"It's so hard not to try and make them see the light, Fogg. But I know it's futile at best, counterproductive at worst."
Well said Diff - our wisdom is the last thing the WAS wants. They'll run a mile from that! And probably the wisdom of well-meaning friends too. At this point, they only want to spend time with people who will support (or at least not loudly challenge) their actions.
Normally that changes in time, but those changes happen within. It is much better to leave it all alone and let it percolate quietly within the WAS.
Keep going Diff, you're doing really well :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hey Bob, good to see you here on my thread, and thanks for the hugs.
I tend to clean a lot, so it's nothing unusual. Lighting the candles is new, but I do blow them out before bed. On Sunday, she came home while I was still up in the living room and commented on how "delicious" the house smelled before she gave me a hug and said she was sorry for hurting me, but she "couldn't help it."
Hey DifRent,
You're welcome, it's my pleasure. Thank you for clarifying about the cleaning, so fo course keep doing that.
The "couldn't help it' comment indicates to me that she is still letting her emotions take over (I see our friend Toots touched on this, too).
You are not alone about the way you felt about the thunderstorms. Being a man, it might sound "wimpy," but since my W has left I feel the same way.
Keep doing what you have been doing!
Many *Hugs* to you (save some for the next storm).
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Oh, just too much time in the same space with her today. She actually touched my knee with affection at one point, then pulled her hand away as if she forgot who I was, or who she was with. And way too much talk about moving, stuff, yard sales, etc. She acts like she wants me to be happy about all this awful changes, and her new life.
Why am I trying to reconcile with this woman again?
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
At this point, they only want to spend time with people who will support (or at least not loudly challenge) their actions.
EXACTLY, Toots. She has pretty much run away from all our friends, and is cultivating new ones through the OW, mostly. No challenges there.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Just try to remember that you're not trying to R with THIS woman. You're trying to ready yourself for a better relationship in the future with someone. It's certainly possible that once you get there, you won't want anything to do with the person your W has become. So don't worry about it!
By the way, I'm not sure which way is "easier" - DBing while staying together with plans to separate or ripping off the bandaid and DBing while separated. Maybe both suck equally?
Matt, I have no idea. But I'm not sure being in the same house is helping with DB efforts. Today was one of those have her cake and eat it too days, for sure. Because I was here all day, and she kept talking to me, sharing things with me about the business as if we were still together, coming down to see me, touched me once... just relished having me around. Especially because I wasn't being bitter, I think - I was validating, albeit in as detached a way as possible. So she got whatever it is she gets from me today, and now she's off to get what she wants from the OW. What a great day for her!
And then still, I wasn't perfect with my attitude. She told me earlier, "I'm going to be late tonight and tomorrow night, okay?" As if a response of "No, that's not okay" would change anything. I said, "If you feel the need to announce these things, might be better to tell me when you WON'T be late. THAT would be news." She laughed and said, "That's true." I just want to smack her...
But on her way out just now. "Do you have plans for tonight?" I was able to just respond, "Yes, I have plans." "Oh, it's with that meetup group, right?" "I have plans." "Good, glad you have plans."
I was able to stop myself from saying, "Quit asking as if you really care about me. You only care about yourself, you stupid, self-centered, tearing our lives apart bitch."
Instead, I said a prayer for her as she left the driveway.
I still find myself absolutely blown away that this is my reality. I keep waiting to wake up from the nightmare.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I can relate to everything you just posted, even wanting to say that comment (which I laughed at). I've had some pretty vicious ones thought up about my W's situation that would have been devastating if said. Self restraint, don't say it lol.
My W does the chatty nice person at times, but I don't get the physical affection or her asking about what I'm doing. She mostly just talks about her own situation. Its rough validating and listening without appearing too interested or cold. Just find that balance where you're the friendly neighbor and keep eye contact when shes talking.
Pretty sure they are cake eating the conversation to some extent. The way I see it, they are showing their hands in some way. They hate us so much, don't want to be with us, really? Well, were still a drug to them and they cant resist the temptation. There just so consumed in the A they don't realize they are showing us they care through actions, in some way. If they really didn't care about us at all they wouldn't care what we thought one bit. One day they might see what we provided was real where what the AP gave was fake.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Fogg, I couldn't agree with you more. My good friend tells me that as much as the affair with the OW is a drug for my W, I'm the bigger drug, the one she REALLY can't live without. I have wondered if part of the reason why she is so anxious for us to split is because on some level she needs to test that, or to quit me cold turkey.
Every now and then I see glimpses of my real W. They're just very fleeting. She is having way too much fun with her fantasy life. (A fantasy life that makes no sense to me. Have I mentioned that this is a much older woman, not particularly attractive, needy and clingy and even kind of creepy... and that my W is drop dead gorgeous? Doesn't add up... well, except the money part...)
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Fogg, I couldn't agree with you more. My good friend tells me that as much as the affair with the OW is a drug for my W, I'm the bigger drug, the one she REALLY can't live without. I have wondered if part of the reason why she is so anxious for us to split is because on some level she needs to test that, or to quit me cold turkey.
Hello DifRent,
What a day of mixed signals for you. Ouch! You may be on to something -- W may indeed want to test her "theory" out. Very keen observation by you.
What do others think?
Hang in there, please. *Hugs*
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Screw her DifRent. She sounds like a fool, I say you are better off without her, live your life, give some thoughts as to what make YOU happy.
You dumb bunny wife will get the picture when you are gone. I would not give her the time of day. Let her see how "great" her life is without you. Her bad. Sounds to me like you are the catch!
