hold on! - 10

[u-turn]

Thank you SunnyB - I hope I am proving to the kids that I am the stable one, the boys seem to feel that way, I don't know about D though. I hope also that I am not mistaken in believing that I am the stable one.

Thanks to you too Cali - I feel like I am at the top of the mountain with a little snowball at my feet and all I all I am doing is getting ready to give it a nudge and destroy the whole town below.

Meeting with L happened. It was a long meeting (3 hours) but 1 of which was at his house - he was a former client of mine and I had not seen his final project completed. I learned a lot from him - I don't know if I should get second opinions or shop around though. I do like the fact that I have a working relationship with him (and he is giving me a "discount" rate too - though I am still shocked by his hourly rate (I should have charged him more )

Being in a no-fault state, the "why" does not matter and we did not really discuss it. He made D, sound very much like a business transaction, which I guess that is all it is. Assets, liabilities, and children. That's it.

I know this sounds trivial, but early in the conversation he stated - well, you are here because you no longer want to be married to this person. I knew this, but that statement, want to be married, really made me think. Do I want to be married to this person, or do I feel that I can no longer make a marriage to this person work, or do I think that the person she now is is not someone I want to be married to. I've thought about all of this before, but this is it - this is the decision to make.

He does not believe mediation is the way to go for a D.

I was surprisingly non-emotional through the whole meeting. I just felt again that this is about dissolving our "corporation" (which by the way I neglected to bring up our business that would need to be changed too).

We talked a lot about my distrust of what she could be up to and how to protect myself and the kids from this. He stated that he could run a credit check to verify things.

I also told him my concerns about W's legal troubles (DUI, court case that I know nothing about, currently driving on a suspended license in a car that has my name on it....) He seemed concerned as well and ran a check of the county court public records and verified that her next court appearance is in Aug., and it seems that she has hidden some other prior reckless driving violation from a couple years ago and several other tickets from me.

As we talked further, the why of the matter seemed to be of more interest to him and he really felt that her actions are not fitting of someone to trust. (not really a pro-marriage stance, but what that's what I expected) (that is his opinion though).

He also said he could give my W's lawyer for her DUI case a call to see if she is representing her for any other cases (if she is working up the D on her end). I told him that I didn't want him to do that. But really I maybe should have allowed it. Ultimately, for my own guilt, I guess I would rather her file than me.

I left with the knowledge and paperwork to fill out for filing.

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session with IC went well as usual yesterday. We usually discuss what happened during the week but this time after filling her in on the details, we discussed some deeper things. Something that I said caused her to ask me if I felt shame or guilt about this whole mess. I didn't really know what the difference between these two things. As I described my reluctance to tell anyone about my situation, and how people might think this or that that we got D because u-turn is too boring or too quiet or not forceful enough, are feelings of guilt. I don't know what this means for me, but it seems to be something I should address.

She sort of apologized for "not helping me feel better". I told her that is not really why I am here - It does help me dig deeper. She says many of the things that are said here.