Pink's Journey # 3 - Learning to detach

[Sotto]

Hi Pink, I'm sorry you didn't receive a happy birthday message from your H. The same happened to me (and for our anniversary) and it isn't very nice. Maybe he forgot, maybe he didn't feel it would be appropriate - we just don't know.

Good for you having a big think about the anger his texts incite. As Sunny says, it did seem a disproportionate reaction to a benign message from him. It doesn't seem unreasonable for him to send a text like that, so I think this is more about your anger (and therefore yours to own) about the whole situation. Don't get me wrong, I can fully understand your anger - but I think this is more about self-awareness and processing your anger in a healthy way, that supports your own goals and hopes for your M.

I'll post what you posted below, and offer some comment if I may:

1.First he fired me as his wife. Does not want to share life with me. (His decision isn't something you can control - but you can control how you feel and respond to this.)

2.Why, because there is another woman in his life. (I know - that's rotten, and I'm right there with you. The thing is, SHE isn't central here. If it wasn't her, it would be someone else. It is just where he is right now. I think the important thing is maintaining your own boundary, given the presence of OW. You know the stats - she is not the love of his life...)

3.He picked up his clothes and left like a college kid, left everything else for his mom to resolve. (If he is in MLC, he may well struggle to be responsible for things. You can be responsible for your own stuff, and leave him to deal with whatever is his IMHO.)

4.Comes and goes, playing with my feelings. (Your feelings will only get played if you ALLOW them to get played. It is possible to give his texts less than a minute of your precious headspace and then get on with your day - it just takes practice and discipline.)

5.Does not have any sense of responsibilities with his kids. (You can only do what you think is right by the kids. You can't control the links he chooses to have with them - that's his to own. I would let him take full responsibility for this, and just do what you can to support the kids when they need Mom)

6.Does not care about anyone or anything besides himself. (I think his text says otherwise. He is letting you know of his changed travel plans. Were you worried that he was choosing to stay another night in order to be with OW? You can always check flight information to see if there was a genuine cancellation and then you will know and can move forward.)

7.Said several times, that he loves me with all his heart, that he will never love someone like he loves me but he can't see himself married to me anymore. (Similar to what my H has said - He loves me, I'm beautiful, the best to be married to - but I do want to D. I think this is typical MLC/WAS language. Best not to try and make SENSE of it - because SENSE is, you love me, let's work it out. But we know that things don't work like that, hence we are DBing.)

8.Then slowly I start learning that the best way is to do the real DBing work, follow the process and go NC, dark, move forward and try to make my life as if H won't be back ever. (That sounds like the best plan to me....similar to what I am doing..)

9.Then every day H has something to text. (No problem - his texts needn't have a huge impact on your day...as above...)

10.If he wants to go, just leave me alone. (You don't get to control what he does lovely P. Only what you do..)

I hope this is helpful my friend. I would encourage you to work with the IC on the anger, because processing it and moving forward from it is the best thing you can do for yourself. I hope you have a lovely day sweet P xx