WARNING: long rant ahead. Don't feel obliged to read it all. How are you going? I haven't been able to catch up with everyone since being back I am straight into single Dad duty.
Slowly regaining PMA. I bottomed out after coming back down to Earth following my holiday. Just bouncing back up.
I am just in shock and disbelief how my partner of 12 years is a different person. She has treated me like crap since BD, and actually before that I now recall. She always had such a kind heart and would reel in disgust at the thought of anyone being subjected to what she now subjects me too.
She has been deliberately malicious, and I can understand that. Now she is on cloud 9, in love, rid of me etc. We had a discussion recently and she really believes she is being compassionate and comforting me by telling me she is in love with OM and it doesn't matter if it lasts or not because I was a thorn in her side and she is so happy and free now.
That's lovely for her. It really hurts for me. Why on earth would she think telling me that would be comforting? The only possibility I see is that she thinks she can push me into moving on. But I know her well Bob, and she doesn't think two steps ahead.
Just writing about it now - I think she is still trying to justify ending the M.
I am really tired of getting kicked while I am down. I do/did love her and I want the M to work, but the reality is that the odds of the opportunity presenting itself to be a family again are incredibly slim. It certainly won't be an option for a few years yet. In the meantime all of the stimulus to get there will dwindle.
Already I am feeling much better about myself (usually). My relationship with others are at an all time high. I am not constantly vetoed on parenting decisions. I always had a fantastic R with d4, good with d2, but now I also have a fantastic R with d2. The house is much cleaner without W there, and I am not miserable/suicidal/depressed.
My girls are already used to the lifestyle. They would probably prefer it if we R, but hey. Actually d4 is constantly on about it.
So why does it hurt so much that she is telling me "NEVER EVER AGAIN"? It hurts because I love her, I never meant to hurt her, and I want to make it up to her. I want the family back. But I dont want to go back to what we had, and the biggest part of that was that I didn't feel wanted/desired/loved. W hasn't said as much (yet), but maybe it was simply the case that she didn't feel "that" way about me. I have given her plenty of opportunity and she hasn't denied it either. It seems even more remote in this case.
Nonetheless, anything could happen right? What I have to focus on now is what I have and how to best move forward in the immediate future. Unfortunately as you know this has got lawyers.
My L today advised that we will give her another week to respond, then hit her with a letter advising that we are seeking a court order to force the matter. She told me today that she is looking into getting a L. I probably have nothing to worry about. L is confident of ruling in my favour. But I suspect this is always the case. I tend to agree as it is just common sense.
In summary, she wants to move the kids (and by extension me) for no other reason than her convenience. I will be VERY inconvenienced and it is on the other side of town from all of our family.
Sorry you copped the rant Bob. Just working through things.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
