So the W and I had a talk this morning about "moving forward" details. Although much still needs to be ironed out, one thing is for sure: we'll be living under the same roof for pretty much the next two months... with the occasional exception of my heading out of town to retreat and GAL, and maybe she has a plan here or there, I don't know. I wish we could physically separate sooner, but it's just not possible.
Right now, it's storming out. I've been out all night myself, but just got home and am in bed. She's yet to get home, and there's really no telling when that will be. I just know she hasn't stayed the entire night with the OW yet. I'm surprised, but she also seems determined not to do that for some reason.
So I have a routine before I go to bed, if she hasn't arrived home yet. I deliberately leave things literally dark each night. I don't leave any outside lights on, turn off everything inside. When she comes home, there is no warmth to greet her, and she has to light her own way up the stairs to the guest bedroom. There are nice smells, though... I tend to do a little cleaning each evening, and I light candles. In my mind, she gets two messages here: one, this place that once was always well lit and warm and welcoming is no longer, but two, the familiar scents linger... and somewhere deep inside her newly iced heart, that must evoke a fond memory.
I'm wondering what's the opinion of the group... is this a good way to go? Should I keep things dark (kind of like going dark), or leave on the lights? Should I quit cleaning in the evenings and lighting candles? Are these good ways to get subtle messages across? Or should I not bother?
If I've got to spend the next two months with her, I want to make them as positive as possible to pave the way for potential reconciliation down the road. And also, to keep my sanity. Right now, I do not like the woman she's become.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/24/1505:20 PM.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I've been wondering about you! I think keeping everything dark is a good idea. I'd love to hear what others think.
I do have a question for you. Did you tend to do a little cleaning each evening before? If you did, I say keep doing it. If you did not, W's going to catch on, if she hasn't already, that you are doing this to try to win her back.
That kind of jumped out at me.
Hang in there!
{{{{DifRent}}}}
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Hey Bob, good to see you here on my thread, and thanks for the hugs.
I tend to clean a lot, so it's nothing unusual. Lighting the candles is new, but I do blow them out before bed. On Sunday, she came home while I was still up in the living room and commented on how "delicious" the house smelled before she gave me a hug and said she was sorry for hurting me, but she "couldn't help it."
I will keep things dark each night unless someone gives me a compelling reason to do things differently.
This morning I woke in one of those panics about what I'm going to do next, where will I be/live, how are we even going to begin to sort through all our "stuff." Last night we had thunderstorms, the kind that would remind me how grateful I was for the warmth and love and safety of this home. But last night, they only filled me with dread.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I'm probably in no state to be giving advice, but I'd leave the lights off and clean up after yourself. I think the Andrea are up to you - but I don't see any issue with them.
..."sorry for hurting me, but she just couldn't help it."
Yes, she could have helped. It was a choice. Have you told her you don't want hugs? I think you have, but I can't remember. Does not seem appropriate for her to expect any affection from you with what she is putting you through.
Sending positive thoughts your way.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I think the 'just couldn't help it' is an indicator that she is still 'driven by emotion.'
As BW says, it would have been possible to do something different. To say that she had become unhappy, to agree to work on things, to resist the charms of OP...and so on.
But those all require bravery, persistence, moral fortitude and so on. And when you are driven by emotion, those things tend to go by the wayside.
It helps me to think that my H became involved with OW because he became unhappy and didn't have the tools to do something constructive about that. Instead he made a destructive choice. If he had the tools it may have been different.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Toots and BW... thanks, and yes. She is completely driven by her emotions right now, and I need to remember that. She is usually so practical and logical. To see her behaving this way is really so out of character.
Also... I shouldn't have, but she left her phone downstairs last night and I "couldn't help myself..." driven by emotion, haha, I looked through some texts. Didn't see anything I didn't expect to see, except again, the things my W is saying just don't even sound like her. And promises like, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" don't bother me as much as they would have, say, a month ago... maybe because I think they deserve each other? Or because she is desperately trying to impress and hang onto the OW? Or maybe because they are just words spoken through the fog.
She is equating love with someone making her happy. That's not love. WE all know that's not love. We know that love is sacrificial, that it costs, that it is an action not a feeling. But she doesn't get that - now. I thought she used to, but maybe she never has. If she just wants all the things and feelings she can get from this affair, I don't know that even the "best possible me" could tear her away.
So, considering all that, and since in her mind we are done, and we aren't legally married, and we don't have kids to raise together, and we're moving out of the house, and she's so "head over heels" with the OW, who she doesn't see any longer as an affair partner and instead sees as her "new" partner, and who is far more financially secure and stable than I am... how CAN I be her lighthouse?
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
She is equating love with someone making her happy. That's not love. WE all know that's not love. We know that love is sacrificial, that it costs, that it is an action not a feeling. But she doesn't get that - now. I thought she used to, but maybe she never has. If she just wants all the things and feelings she can get from this affair, I don't know that even the "best possible me" could tear her away.
So, considering all that, and since in her mind we are done, and we aren't legally married, and we don't have kids to raise together, and we're moving out of the house, and she's so "head over heels" with the OW, who she doesn't see any longer as an affair partner and instead sees as her "new" partner, and who is far more financially secure and stable than I am... how CAN I be her lighthouse?
I've struggled with trying to understand if what they have is love quite a bit. I didn't want to accept it as love, hated the idea. Parts of me realize if this was just a physical thing and it ended it would be much easier to deal with than love.
I don't believe it is love, not in the long run because we all have a better understanding of what love is now, and this isn't it. I do think they see it as love right now. I don't think that will always be the case.
I think most of our cases have similarities in their viewpoint, regardless if we are M or have kids. My W sees us as completely done, the D paperwork is just a technicality. Anything she does with OM is completely fine (even thought she hides it from me) since our relationship has ended. To her, its just pursuing the next partner. This is what they say and think for the most part, I still beleive there are deep down parts where they know the truth.
That's tough for being the lighthouse but its still possible. I would say in your case the best option is to get to a point where you don't react to her, don't get pulled into her arguments. You basically show her that you accept what she is doing because its her right to do so, even if you don't agree with it. Be strong and continue to improve your life in any way you can. Let her go, let her make those destructive decisions and maybe one day she will look back and realize you were the lighthouse all along.
And if she doesn't, so be it. You have made yourself so [censored] awesome it wont matter. There are others out there that can and will deserve our love. It will take us time, but in the end we will be OK no matter what.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Yeah, and physically separating is an important thing for us to do. Just now she came down to give me the rundown on how much her business is picking up - she needs some kind of affirmation from me. She sat down on the ottoman in front of my chair, and she just can't seem to "help" herself... she reached out to touch my knee. I think in a way, like my good friend says, having this much contact with me is a drug for her. I'm this safe place, and as long as she gets just enough of me and whatever anchor I provide, she's good. Need to take that away from her.
We had a talk that veered a bit into how the relationship with the OW isn't really love... she got instantly defensive, and I quickly backed out of the discussion. It's so hard not to try and make them see the light, Fogg. But I know it's futile at best, counterproductive at worst.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
