That lady singing - is she fat?

[Bob723]

Hello my friend,

How was your day today, Pyrite? Thinking about you...

Bob

[Pyrite]

Thanks Bob,

WARNING: long rant ahead. Don't feel obliged to read it all. How are you going? I haven't been able to catch up with everyone since being back I am straight into single Dad duty.

Slowly regaining PMA. I bottomed out after coming back down to Earth following my holiday. Just bouncing back up.

I am just in shock and disbelief how my partner of 12 years is a different person. She has treated me like crap since BD, and actually before that I now recall. She always had such a kind heart and would reel in disgust at the thought of anyone being subjected to what she now subjects me too.

She has been deliberately malicious, and I can understand that. Now she is on cloud 9, in love, rid of me etc. We had a discussion recently and she really believes she is being compassionate and comforting me by telling me she is in love with OM and it doesn't matter if it lasts or not because I was a thorn in her side and she is so happy and free now.

That's lovely for her. It really hurts for me. Why on earth would she think telling me that would be comforting? The only possibility I see is that she thinks she can push me into moving on. But I know her well Bob, and she doesn't think two steps ahead.

Just writing about it now - I think she is still trying to justify ending the M.

I am really tired of getting kicked while I am down. I do/did love her and I want the M to work, but the reality is that the odds of the opportunity presenting itself to be a family again are incredibly slim. It certainly won't be an option for a few years yet. In the meantime all of the stimulus to get there will dwindle.

Already I am feeling much better about myself (usually). My relationship with others are at an all time high. I am not constantly vetoed on parenting decisions. I always had a fantastic R with d4, good with d2, but now I also have a fantastic R with d2. The house is much cleaner without W there, and I am not miserable/suicidal/depressed.

My girls are already used to the lifestyle. They would probably prefer it if we R, but hey. Actually d4 is constantly on about it.

So why does it hurt so much that she is telling me "NEVER EVER AGAIN"? It hurts because I love her, I never meant to hurt her, and I want to make it up to her. I want the family back. But I dont want to go back to what we had, and the biggest part of that was that I didn't feel wanted/desired/loved. W hasn't said as much (yet), but maybe it was simply the case that she didn't feel "that" way about me. I have given her plenty of opportunity and she hasn't denied it either. It seems even more remote in this case.

Nonetheless, anything could happen right? What I have to focus on now is what I have and how to best move forward in the immediate future. Unfortunately as you know this has got lawyers.

My L today advised that we will give her another week to respond, then hit her with a letter advising that we are seeking a court order to force the matter. She told me today that she is looking into getting a L. I probably have nothing to worry about. L is confident of ruling in my favour. But I suspect this is always the case. I tend to agree as it is just common sense.

In summary, she wants to move the kids (and by extension me) for no other reason than her convenience. I will be VERY inconvenienced and it is on the other side of town from all of our family.

Sorry you copped the rant Bob. Just working through things.

[Vapo]

Remember, do not trust a word you hear from her...

Fist bump buddy, you are getting stronger each day...

[Huddy]

No problem with rant Py, anytime. We hear you buddy.

[Bob723]

Thanks Bob,

WARNING: long rant ahead. Don't feel obliged to read it all. How are you going? I haven't been able to catch up with everyone since being back I am straight into single Dad duty.

Hi my friend!

There's nothing to be sorry about - rant away. That's what this forum and the DB Family is all about. A place to vent and seek advice and support.

I am hanging in there, thank you for asking.

You are really going thru a rough time. Wow. I understand the "shock and disbelief how my partner of 12 years is a different person" all too well. It may not help much, but please know you are not alone. I feel the same way about my W of 14 years.

Some points MWD pointed out in an email I received today. Maybe you got it, too.

Parts from Michele's e-mail:

"But I say, "Congratulations to you for realizing the importance of making your marriage and family work." You understand the impact of divorce and the havoc it can wreak in people's lives.

So, in this journey that you're on right now, I want you to know that I appreciate your decision to fight for your marriage. If no one has said that you this week, let me be the first.

You are brave.

You are caring.

You are strong.

Keep up the good work."

That describes you, Pyrite!

Bob

[NDY]

Hey dude

So why does it hurt so much that she is telling me "NEVER EVER AGAIN"? It hurts because I love her, I never meant to hurt her, and I want to make it up to her. I want the family back. But I dont want to go back to what we had, and the biggest part of that was that I didn't feel wanted/desired/loved. W hasn't said as much (yet), but maybe it was simply the case that she didn't feel "that" way about me. I have given her plenty of opportunity and she hasn't denied it either. It seems even more remote in this case.

Yea, I get this. But I've had so many 4 X 2's over the last few days my head is spinning. Simple answer. You, just like me have expectations on her actions.

Hard as it was I have learned to let it go. I've been lucky. I have a couple of vets helping me and yes, they are not shy of telling you how it is. And that's a good thing.

So this is the mountain we both have to climb. She doesn't 'not care', she just doesn't love you right now. I'm here in the same position. Whattya gonna do?

I know.

Stand up and fight. But for yourself. We will not allow this to be the defining moments of our lives.

[Zues126]

I think WAS's are conflicted and afraid of becoming "weak" and succumbing to their regrets and ending up going through the pain of a terrible M again...so they try to burn the bridge so there's no way they can end up there again. She's running as far as she can from the M and trying to make sure you're not running after her, and that the door is slammed shut and locked, so she's 'safe'. Then she'll try to live her new life and find happiness, assuming that her sadness and regrets are just part of the necessary pain she has to go through before she can really enjoy her new life.

After she runs far enough away, goes through her own grieving process, has a series of rebounds and realizes the grass isn't greener and that all R's have their problems, and that she brought some herself...maybe she grows a bit, or realizes that your M might have been salvageable. But I think this is closer to the true road to R than a moment of "why are we doing this?" So it really is a journey measured in years. And one with no guarantees, because she may never come around, or when she does she may be remarried and just end up deciding to make her new R work (like the story in DR where the lady regrets Ding her first H with what she learned, but only 7 years in to her new M).

That's why you can't look back. You truly have to let go. DBing is a good road as long as we don't let it keep us tied to our WAS's road. You know this. Find your own path, and keep growing. The worst pain is over, but you're just starting your REAL journey.

[Pyrite]

Thanks everyone. I am feeling stronger today. I have been better than this, I am just backsliding - or did, on the way back up again

NDY hit the nail on the head -

Simple answer. You, just like me have expectations on her actions.

This is exactly what I have been doing. Even though I did stop. It wormed its way back in through the hurt and pain. Another quote from NDY -

"she doesn't love you right now" - although perhaps pessimistic, I would change this to "she doesn't love you anymore". This doesn't mean she can't again. Although as Zeus summed up it will be years (if ever) before she comes to those realisations he discussed, and we could all be wrapped up in other lives. I think this is the realistic situation for me going forward.

The important part of DBing for me (and likely all of us) is to not rule R out of the future because of anger and grow through my failures that brought me here.

Back to the "crisortunity" outlook.

[Bob723]

The important part of DBing for me (and likely all of us) is to not rule R out of the future because of anger and grow through my failures that brought me here.

Hi Pyrite,

What a great post by Zues, just what I've come to expect from him.

I'm happy to hear you're feeling stronger today. Good for you!

I really liked the part of your last post that I quoted above. Well said, Pyrite.

Take care of yourself, you're hanging in there! I'll be thinking about you.

Bob

[Pyrite]

thanks Bob for all your support and encouragement. Thanks specifically for the email snippet you posted. I'll get around to catching up with everyone soon.

I have been checking in on Smothy as you would know - I expect this will be a rough few days for her. Off the top of your head you know what day is touchdown in the UK for her?