So I have been reading Codependent No More. Wow what a eye opener I think H and I were both codependents. I think my codependency was toward trying to always make sure our R was working and worrying about it which in turn I think made h feel like I was controlling.
he may also have felt scrutinized and in fact, to an extent he was being scrutinized. That usually feels like a negative, or as if someone is judging him. My bottom line is that taking the temperature of a relationship tends to cool it, fast.
When you believe that you are a great catch, inwardly content with who you are, it'll radiate and that matters! And constantly doubting yourself and trying to assess how "it's going" with h, also shows.
Can you see how important it is for YOU to work on you and your own feelings about yourself? It starts and ends, with you. Make sense?
FYI, I've recommended the book Co-dependent No More, a hundred times. Glad you found it.
I realize now that it should be two people working on the R and you shouldn't need to worry or feel like you need to keep your finger on the so called pulse of things because if they are going to cheat they will no matter how much you look over their shoulder.
to put another way, if you're a good catch who gets it, then he's not likely to cheat
AND IF he does anyhow, that's on him. You're still a great catch.
I think I always worried about that and so tried to make sure H was always happy, and our M was good, and that we did everything together and if we didn't I would worry that something bad would happen in our M.
Sometimes we let our fears steer us so much, that we bring about the very event we fear the most. For instance, constantly checking our spouse's phone records and snooping b/c we FEAR them cheating,
can actually lead to them feeling suffocated and can make them a lot more vulnerable to affairs. So yes, I truly believe we can create the circumstances that morph our fears into reality.
Of course then we might argue that "we were right to fear it" But that misses the piece we should learn from, which is how we ourselves hurt our cause.
And let's say that the constant insecurity does Not result in an affair...we know the fear did NOT reduce the chances, it is, at best, a neutral in the marriage but it's still self inflicted misery on our part.
I am pretty sure I got that from my parents marriage where my mom would take us kids away for 3 months in the summer to our summer home and my dad would stay home and work. He ended up cheating on my mom while she was away. I am sure I got it into my head that if you didn't spend all your time together other then work and my H's 3 weeks vacation by himself it would fall apart.
There's usually a thread of truth in our fears. Prolonged time apart does tend to create emotional distance too. But you know, you CAN change the tape in your head. It's your head and your tape.
Imagine your life is a novel. Be the author of your life. How do you want this next chapter to go? And how about the rest?
I don't think I was overbearing in the sense that H never did things with friends because he did his vacations etc but I know I did worry about our marriage/cheating a lot.
I am learning better now.
((( Yes I believe you are )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
