Okay... I know I'm resilient, and I know I have strong self-esteem, and I know I'm highly skilled at managing my emotions, but isn't this a little soon to be feeling okay about things in general? I mean, great, but what the--?
I am sure that this thread (and the previous one) had something to do with it. I was told (and realized, and accepted) that my poor feelings were coming from my unwary insistence that my marriage was NOT over, and that there was still something I needed or wanted from my STBX-- remorse, regret, apologies, who knows what. But Claire and Toots helped me see that it really is done and dead. And it's better just to enjoy what I have in my life right now.
Which means that I finally gave myself some time to grieve. I had thought I had grieved before, but I hadn't really; I'd experienced the pain of the loss, and I'd told myself that it was over, but I hadn't really felt the sadness of grief. And I think I recognized it when it hit me. It was the first time that I felt bittersweet memory of what had been, rather than a grinding fury of what couldn't be. My thoughts filtered themselves through a wistful lens of calm sadness rather than a gut-twisting wrench of anxiety and pain. It was the first time I experienced strong feelings about the end of the R and was still able to function perfectly well (if not being particularly good company). I just spent that time marinating in the mournful understanding that these were happy memories, but now are gone gone gone.
And now I have a job (full time, if temporary), and I have a car, and shows to perform in, and friends to hang out with, and even the occasional romantic date. If anything, I need to slow down and do less. I'm missing a life partner, but I seem to have a life.
I know I'm not done with STBX yet. There will be times, and places, and pictures that remind me of her, and each time I will feel a pang of disappointment. And I will miss her.
