STFU Smoothies on sale now!!

[HeavyD]

I am so happy for you!

God Bless you and your lovely family

[CaliGuy]

Ok, Luke, first of all...find out when you freakin got married. Sheesh. LOL!

Ok uR ... it was today .. so neener neener neeener.

W is not feeling well .. and with that tends to open her up for depression TM me:

W:"Today we were married at this hour 15 years ago. Who knew I'd be sick 15 years later. That's not fair to you nor S"

I simply shared with her I understood how frustrating it is for her but I had faith things would improve.

Keeping it simple and not to getting sucked in at the moment .... I have been invited to the local Brewery after work with some upper management from HQ, have been invited before but never able to go as I pick up S ... accepted today and looking forward to it .. GAL GAL GaL ... gulp gulp gulp/

[AJM]

Wait. Wasn't it 17 in human years? I'm lost a little on that

Funny you brought up Father D .. in this case G ... as I am going in today to talk with them. I am not so sure they can help me in this specific situation .

If there's one thing that stands out to me, it's that you should not think you need to go this alone. I'm not suggesting the priests can guide you per se. I'm suggesting they can be there to share the burden and to help you organize your feelings and your thoughts.

Seriously though. Give yourself a break. Believe it or not, I think your W is seriously trying and making progress. Why do I think that? I think your feelings are the most telling reason.

And I totally get the pain you feel from it, if that helps. I wasn't told about the details of the OM in bed, but that wouldn't have bothered me nearly as much as the buttons she did push. Looking back - they were *meant* to hurt me. There was no other purpose that I can see for those statements.

The monster looks for ways to share the pain in the most intimate ways. To destroy. To deceive. Sound like anything you are aware of? I suspect so.

The person they are/become is what to watch though. And it takes time to rebuild trust. It's a much more arduous task than to destroy it. That won't happen overnight but it's not like she isn't trying while also figuring herself out.

So what to do? My suggestion is to do what you have been doing while this time period passes. I can tell you that W is not unique in being able to hurt you. She was able to do that because she was close and you let her. You know that and are working on those areas while trying to figure out how (or if) to get close in a way that risks being hurt again.

Not a fast process amigo. Not by any stretch. And it's one that is frail and fraught with danger, excitement, and difficult travels. Not for the faint of heart.

Take a look back at some of the posts and make sure you can answer the questions about YOU and what you want. When you have a clearer picture of your wants, needs, and boundaries you'll be better able to handle the rest.

The priests can help. Hint hint.

AJ

[mleigh4]

So many of your posts hit marks with me. Our sitches are different, but many of the feelings are so alike. The fear, hesitations....We have worked so hard to get to the peaceful place we are....I don't have my H trying to reconnect, but I can only imagine your struggle there. I feel so safe where I am, happy and content. I don't think I would be ready to leave that, so I can imagine that struggle.

Also, I have really become to like myself. I mean REALLY like who I have become. But when I am around H, I feel like the old me, regardless of my new actions, and I can't stand that! Makes me cringe and want to get the heck away from him and anything to do with old me, old M....he is only a reminder of all that, including the pain he brought on....does that make sense or sound familiar? I guess that is part of the process we work through.

Like UR said, makes sense to just stay on your path and take it slow. No decisions needed for now, it will all ride itself out. I am back and forth daily on stand, don't stand. I even have been contemplating filing, which really surprises me sometimes. But for now, I just keep on....

Hope you had fun at brewery! And I am so impressed with your son. What a sweetie, love that he openly talks with you. It really shows how well you have done with him through all of this

[mleigh4]

Dang it, I tried to edit my post but the time expired. I just wanted to add, my back and forth on standing vs throwing in the towel tells me I am not ready for any big decision, and I see that in you too. Take it in day by day, process the feelings and listen. The answer will come and you will know. It will come from within you, just keep listening and don't be distracted by W's struggles. She seems to still be working through her own chit too.

[CaliGuy]

If there's one thing that stands out to me, it's that you should not think you need to go this alone. I'm not suggesting the priests can guide you per se. I'm suggesting they can be there to share the burden and to help you organize your feelings and your thoughts.

I think that for me I am looking for this weekend to gain some tools with all this. I have avoided seeking help and council up to this point as when I look at my sitch on paper, without emotion ... I think I would tell myself I should have walked long ago .... this forum people at the least understand the desire to save the M, even if its on the pretense of rebuilding that person to a point they can make a decision out of strength and not desperation.

Seriously though. Give yourself a break. Believe it or not, I think your W is seriously trying and making progress. Why do I think that? I think your feelings are the most telling reason.

I think so too, there is a WORLD of difference with her from this point and where she was last year... the anger is gone, a much welcomed event I assure you.

And I totally get the pain you feel from it, if that helps. I wasn't told about the details of the OM in bed, but that wouldn't have bothered me nearly as much as the buttons she did push. Looking back - they were *meant* to hurt me. There was no other purpose that I can see for those statements.

The monster looks for ways to share the pain in the most intimate ways. To destroy. To deceive. Sound like anything you are aware of? I suspect so.

The person they are/become is what to watch though. And it takes time to rebuild trust. It's a much more arduous task than to destroy it. That won't happen overnight but it's not like she isn't trying while also figuring herself out.

The OM/bed stuff ... was a button, and I know it came from a place with her ... she felt bad that we had issues there, chalked it up to medical and I accepted that ... my guess is there was some serious guilt there. Regardless is stung pretty hard and yeah .. sole purpose was to hurt me as much as possible and it was successful. Right now I am good ... call it a strong cycle and I feel detached ... but the low points this stuff does get at me, I know its a time thing and I am processing it out of my system but its not an overnight thing as you have mentioned.

So what to do? My suggestion is to do what you have been doing while this time period passes. I can tell you that W is not unique in being able to hurt you. She was able to do that because she was close and you let her. You know that and are working on those areas while trying to figure out how (or if) to get close in a way that risks being hurt again.

Not a fast process amigo. Not by any stretch. And it's one that is frail and fraught with danger, excitement, and difficult travels. Not for the faint of heart.

Take a look back at some of the posts and make sure you can answer the questions about YOU and what you want. When you have a clearer picture of your wants, needs, and boundaries you'll be better able to handle the rest.

The priests can help. Hint hint.

AJ

I have thought about ^^^ recently ... might have been a good reason I was pretty spun out last week as this weekend rapidly approaches.

Truth is I know what I want, I come with boundaries and rules if you will, I will not tolerate certain things and for the first time in my life I am totally comfortable with that, in a strange way its given me a feeling of strength. If W or anyone for that matter can not accept these ... what I consider minimal requirements... they are free to go about their day without me in it, I am not as much of a people pleaser as I was, and its a very liberating feeling.

AJ thank you so much for every single post ... you always have made me look internally and discover some hard truths that I really needed to dig out.

[CaliGuy]

So many of your posts hit marks with me. Our sitches are different, but many of the feelings are so alike. The fear, hesitations....We have worked so hard to get to the peaceful place we are....I don't have my H trying to reconnect, but I can only imagine your struggle there. I feel so safe where I am, happy and content. I don't think I would be ready to leave that, so I can imagine that struggle.

Also, I have really become to like myself. I mean REALLY like who I have become. But when I am around H, I feel like the old me, regardless of my new actions, and I can't stand that! Makes me cringe and want to get the heck away from him and anything to do with old me, old M....he is only a reminder of all that, including the pain he brought on....does that make sense or sound familiar? I guess that is part of the process we work through.

Like UR said, makes sense to just stay on your path and take it slow. No decisions needed for now, it will all ride itself out. I am back and forth daily on stand, don't stand. I even have been contemplating filing, which really surprises me sometimes. But for now, I just keep on....

Hope you had fun at brewery! And I am so impressed with your son. What a sweetie, love that he openly talks with you. It really shows how well you have done with him through all of this

M

Yeah that's maybe why I was all over the place. Looking at my M and relationship with W ... I think one could argue Co-Dependency pretty strongly and I would have little defense. BD hit and I am not sure if I was more scared to be alone .. or the fact I lost W to OM. might be a 50-50 shot there looking back. Now with this reconnection phase, I have had a year and a half to build myself back into a stronger, happier, peaceful being and just felt like part of her coming back also required the old me to return as well ... I was not going to allow that to happen.
A few R talks with her .. but even more ME talks .. .my rules, my new way, dare I even say MY NEEDS not wants.... some of these talks have been lightly touched .. others need to be stated clearly ... and for the first time its on my terms, she can take it or leave it as I know I will be ok. Ironically I feel more like "The Husband only a fool would leave" than I ever have but now its almost to a point of ... Can I accept her as a W, as she has been more of a W only a fool would stay for over the past couple years.
I am heading into this weekend with an open mind, knowing God has me firmly on the path I was meant to be on ... I know this with each passing day, this was how I was to change into the man I was meant to be all along .... I have some words on HOW this happened mind you .. but I accept the pain and suffering was required to change to the level I have, thankful for a second chance at life and will not waste it.

[CaliGuy]

Mini-update.

Last night after work hit the Brewery with a few guys from HQ, was really nice, drank a few beers and talked about the company, got some intel and insight on 'bigger picture' stuff as I run the location that is considered "The Island Sanctuary" Rode home and thought about going out to see another buddy of mine but realized I had a heavy morning so I opt'd to call it a night.

I had just arrived at the brewery and W TM she was getting out of the house with S to take a walk on the beach .. 'join us?!!' I politely declined. S called me shortly after I got home as typical he and W were very chatty on the phone .. more so W getting him to tell me all the fun they had.

I called her up this morning, realizing S was going up to BIL today and I would not see him for a bit .. maybe a week .. not sure .. I wanted to see S and say goodbye so I stopped on my way to work, W told me they were still in bed, she greeted me with a hug (She looked really good) I snuck into the room and began my usually S wake up method that involves booty grabs, raspberries, nipple twisters, thigh squeezes .... I thoroughly enjoy this .. he will get a little mad as he is waking up then start laughing hysterically. W had crawled back into bed as I was doing this and asked me if I always woke him up this way and I laughed as S said "Yes mom he always does this now stop talking and HELP me!!" S jumped out of bed and ran to his room ... came back and gave me a hand written letter, My Fathers Day Card and 3 blueberry muffins.

I read the letter, very touching from S, heartfelt ... and thanked him for the muffins, both S and W said they made a bunch but those 3 were the only ones that survived ... they apologized for eating them, I took one and left the other 2 for them, joking that I did not need more muffins as I squeezed my waistline ... I walked over to W and she gave me the old look and told me not to even think about the tickle torture I pulled on S and that I should go because they are sleeping in today ... I laughed, wished them a good day and left.

Tonight .. chores, hopefully a haircut, and start packing for Retrouvaille.

[uRworthy]

I wanted to write to you before you go. I always go into things hoping to take something out of it. That's it. That's always my mindset. Maybe I will get a ton of things, or maybe just one, either way I feel like it's ok, ya know?

I used to get myself all charged up..thinking that this one thing was going to change my life..only to be disappointed. Because the truth of it is, the only one who can change my life..is me.

But it isnt a bad thing to get some tools and tips about stuff. It isnt ever a bad thing to learn something new.

So I really do hope that you go into this with the hope that you will glean some knowledge about you, relationships and communication.

Try to remember that you and your wife are in different places and mindsets right now. That will help if there is some frustration on your part.

She wont be able to do some of the deeper work, I would imagine.

Just immerse yourself in the experience. Let it take you places that may be a bit scary for you, too. You will be glad you did.

Im so proud of you, Luke. I look back on where you started and where you are and it is so freakin cool.

I will be thinking of you and praying for you both.

[job]

Cali,
What uR has posted to you is spot on. I know quite a number of people who have attended the sessions and went there hoping that this will be the "cure all" to their issues. Unfortunately, they came away disappointed because they didn't go there w/open minds, i.e., that this weekend away provides you with insight into relationships, communications, interactions and will open your eyes to many different tools to help you in your day to day life as well.

As uR has stated, immerse yourself into the experience and remember that you and your wife are in two different places right now and it's still going to take some time for her to finish up her crisis. Some of the work involved will be hard, not only for her, but for you as well...but I have faith in you and I know you will absorb a lot of what you will experience.

I want to wish you and your wife good luck. Stay positive, ask questions and please, please keep an open mind.