The Dance of Uncertainty Continues...

[PigPen]

Since I still have the gift of time and not the gift of communication I spent last night reflecting on how my fear of rejection effected my M and what I can do about it without contact.

How it effected my M:

- stopped me from expressing my own needs. This in turn led to future resentment as they weren't being met. Instead of just speaking what I needed, I hid it, or tried to meet them myself. Or tried to meet them in unhealthy ways.

- turned any need expression from my W into a potential threat. If she needed something and expressed it I took it as "this is her way of telling me I'm not good enough and wants to leave me". Such a weak position to be operating from and one that's rather embarrassing for a grown man to have in hindsight.

- led to a constant level of stress that I did not express to her but instead used pot and alcohol to keep at bay. If I didn't have to feel it, it wasn't happening. This is turn led to a whole host of other issues.

- didn't let me operate from a place of strength. Therefor so many decisions that I made personally were weakness and fear based. This just added fuel to the fire.

Since we're not in communication, I'm using my real life as a practice ground and being honest with people both privately and publicly about my struggles with addiction, my decision to get sober, and also some of the more unique aspects of my life that are different from most men. I'm doing this with the spirit of "if people don't like what I like, that's absolutely ok and speaks to them and their wants/needs, not my value."

It's a new way of operating and is rather scary, but so far has been also very liberating. If I can't talk to my W, I'm still determined to get the fear of rejection into a different space in my life.

Thanks for listening DB'ers.