Wow...it is actually nice that W responded with a thoughtful message which does not require an immediate response although I'd shoot off a brief note acknowledging it.
How about:
Wanted to touch base briefly to let you know that I got this message and I'll get back to you on this a bit later as you have raised a question that requires a thoughtful response. Have a good day.
Honestly, I am going to need to chew on W's email some more to get to the real crux of it. She sure surprised tall of us here. Right off bat, I sense that she's fearful of going back to the same broken M and she's not seeing how it could be better from where she currently sits from her perch. She's trying to see how the future could be brighter and more optimistic.
Hi wonka, thanks. I was really surprised as well. Wasn't expecting it at all. Couple of thoughts I've had so far:
Ok, so what I've learned about the last few interactions with WW is this:
Any talk of saving the M will go down in flames (eat the elephant) so need to think small and build it from there (we don't tell her that though).
Any talk of MC will also go down in flames so needs to be avoided.
Then there is the OM. Don't forget about him.
I've broken down her communication into the following points:
Quote:
the alternative to separation and/or divorce
Not sure what to say here. There is only one alternative but can't come out and say it. How do you say something about this but make it small enough that it won't scare her off?
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not meant to be confrontational
Good, lets call the dogs off for a bit and try to talk to each other like adults.
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interested in understanding what you think
Opportuinty for mirror here?
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workable alternative
This to me reads like cake eating.
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give me more insight
Need to tread carefully here. Does she really want to know what's going on in my mind? What am I saying, ofcourse she does.
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I don’t understand your stance
^^This. This is because to her there is no future for us so she can't understand why I'm against D.
So how to say this succintly and in a DB Fashion?
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Thank you for the heads up and I appreciate it. I have given this some serious thought and want to discuss my perspective on this matter.
As said previously, I do not want a D nor agree that this is in the best interests of S9. There is ample evidence and data shows that a divorce has long lasting impact on the children which will be a huge disruption on S9's life. For this very reason, I am incredibly sad that you have chosen to continue on this path.
I am sorry that you feel that working with a meditator isn't working for you. It is my preference that we use meditation to resolve issues in an amicable fashion and I see this as the best course of action.
I'm sure you would agree, S9's wellbeing is paramount and I will collaborate with you in a cordial fashion when it come to school-related and childcare logistics. Lawyers details are as follows:
Feels too formal to me though. She'll smell a rat a mile off.
She's confused on your stance not because she thinks you are talking about reconciliation but because your email basically told her you want to collaborate on an amicable divorce.
This email was terrible and now she's hoping you expand upon the "amicable legal resolution" you'd be willing to consider.
Any niceness you perceive is her hoping to pounce on an opportunity to exploit you, get the divorce done quickly and quietly and be with OM.
Your response should be probably be consistent with "I don't talk divorce. I want to reconcile. Reconciliation is what's absolutely best for our S9."
IF you actually do want to amicable settle and steal the house maybe you DO talk about buying her out of the house at the price she suggested previously.
1. See how she likes having the tables turned 2. Maybe she's desperate enough to amicably resolve that she'll give you the house at that price.
But negotiating the divorce goes against divorce busting where you want to drag out the divorce, detach, be nice, GAL and await the end of the affair.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Ok DBers. Looking for more feedback. She's replied and she says this in her email
Quote:
Can I ask you a question though? What so you think is the alternative to separation and/or divorce? This is not meant to be a confrontational question. I am interested in understanding what you think is a workable alternative so I have a better understanding of your thoughts on this. I am hoping you will get back to me to give me more insight because it is this particular area that I feel I don’t understand your stance or the future that you envisage.
Of course I haven't replied
She may be wondering if you are suggesting some 3 party relationship, where you don't divorce, you don't separate, OM moves in and the three of you live together raising S9. I don't see the actual email you actually sent but this seems to be what she suspects you might mean.
She may be up for that. It's a creep solution but it gives her the best of both worlds and let's her keep the house. S9 gets mom and dad and it's a win-win.
OR, most likely
She wants you to clarify and then use the suggestion as a way to bash you as some creepy swinger who wants to have a three way relationship and as further evidence that you are far worse than her (an adulterer). OM is an honorable guy that cherishes her and would never share her or suggest such an outrageous plan.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Guys...what happened to "no expectations". Until you hear she's not with OM this ins't a "glimmer of hope" and it would be a mistake to build it up as one. Disappointment drains your love bank.
Sure respond but make it authenticate. Something she will read when the affair eventually crumbles and she starts to wake up from the nightmare. Something that will say "if you hurry there may still be hope" or, if the affair lasts too long, "see what you threw away".
Such words will fall on deaf hurtful ears and she will attack the suggestion. So what. You are detached now and GAL'ing. Throw a party at the house this weekend, build a bridge and get over it.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Hi GB. Thanks for the feedback once again. Need to start a new thread but thought I'd address a couple of things first
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This email was terrible and now she's hoping you expand upon the "amicable legal resolution" you'd be willing to consider.
I'm not so sure. yes the amicable legal resolution is on her mind but that wasn't the context of her reply.
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But negotiating the divorce goes against divorce busting where you want to drag out the divorce, detach, be nice, GAL and await the end of the affair.
Yep. she's called in the dogs now. And that usually ends in one way. So, by trying to get her back to the mediators I stall.
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She may be wondering if you are suggesting some 3 party relationship, where you don't divorce, you don't separate, OM moves in and the three of you live together raising S9.
She knows I don't mean this. Funny but no.
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Guys...what happened to "no expectations". Until you hear she's not with OM this ins't a "glimmer of hope" and it would be a mistake to build it up as one.
I have no expectations but given the fact that to her there has never been any 'alternative' to explore. For her it's done, over, finito. Just seeing the photons of those words is a glimmer of hope in as much as she may well listen to the fact that there IS an alternative.She may well still turn her nose up at it. Probably will but up until now you would NEVER have had my WW even ask such a question.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Guys...what happened to "no expectations". Until you hear she's not with OM this ins't a "glimmer of hope" and it would be a mistake to build it up as one. Disappointment drains your love bank.
Personally I meant that it is a positive that he even asks NDY to clarify anything, as that opens communications that I've understood has been down for quite some time.
To me that is a glimmer of hope, because that is the only way he has to DB anything..
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
