we were having a nice few moments getting ready for work. shortly later the conversation turned to the house. This has been an issue for her in the past. She has said that she felt trapped in the house. Issues there were thought to be that she didn't feel like her opinion mattered in the decision to live in that house and she felt like I forced the issue of a renovation instead of moving 8 years ago.
she has stated that she understands that my motivations were 'what I thought best for the family'
she also said that this was a big part in her 'issues' over the years that she has been trying to let them go, that she has not been able to stop dwelling on the past.
I didn't offer up solutions or excuses, in fact I listened and validated & apologized for any pain I caused.
but back to it, I did tell here that I realize this was not the first time that I've heard this and that I am trying to see things from her point of view better than I had in the past. She was upset that the damage with her being too far away from her family was already done, that she just needs to learn to get past it. I told her that was definitely a different perspective than I had, I grew up pretty secluded from extended family where she was always together with cousins & second cousins.
I asked where she would want to live instead or if she wanted to get a realtor in to do some kind of analysis to see where we really stand...that I didn't want to ignore any options. She said that she has already tried to figure that out and that there aren't really good options for as good of schooling, low taxes, big house, nice neighborhood, while not getting even farther away from family or current jobs (both have been working at same place for long time and commute would be an issue, she even said that she didn't want me to resent her for having to drive to work first time there was bad weather if we lived far away from office). As for the house, we're not sure if we will even break even on the renovation or if we are underwater still a bit.
I know I am not telling things perfect. what I hear and what I understand sometimes are close, but subtly different things...and my 'exact' memory is poor...no telephone game for me, I have always been terrible at that. important thing is that I am trying to HEAR what she is saying and fix my end...think it was CADET who mentioned earlier this week about 180's when sentiments sting...what can I do differently than I had in the past. I would rather not let any options go unexplored and I definitely don't want to just let things be sit just because I am comfortable...because there is something wrong there. (I don't want this to be me trying to just fix things either).
Anyway maybe I am leaving out details, so any help sorting this out would be greatly appreciated.
I'd wait for the vets to chime in before REacting on this.
I have a very mixed reading on this.
First of all it is just a house and in it are all of your bad years. So to me it is worth a lot less than a home. If it is really a big issue four her and uyg tigyis uys really one OR THE source of her issues, the house really takes second pace. r That being said moving may not create a better environment for your wife and may not solve her issues.
I think it is important that your W feels listened to on this. Really listened to. I would let her lead in finding the best solution. Do not solve this for her. She has to own the decision (assuming you agree). If she decided it is best to stay, ask are there things that she would like to change. Could be a good project together.
Lastly don't jump through hoops for her. Listen, be actively involved but don't overdo it. Respect yourself.
Rambling but I hope somewhat coherent.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Thanks Roiste! I think you are right that I cannot solve this for her, she needs to come to a conclusion on her own. maybe she already has and she is just conflicted with the her answer.
Just got text from Wife saying thank you for listening this morning and sorry for the timing...was late for work because we were involved in convo.
I replied that the timing was fine, didn't mind that at all. Also said that I was glad she was able to speak her mind. that what she said was important to me and that I was sorry that I was not as receptive to her in the past as she had needed.
If it is really a big issue for her and if this is really one OR THE source of her issues, the house really takes second pace.
Sorry for typos..... am on phone.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
The more I think about this, the more I feel like crap. How do you make a mends for the errors of the past without poking old scars or pealing old scabs.
I have owned the fact that in the past I did not hear wife's opinions well enough and made decisions I thought was best. I've apologized for this at length and have been acting accordingly since. Taking her opinion and making sure this was present in making decisions for family matters.
The more I think about this, the more I feel like crap. How do you make a mends for the errors of the past without poking old scars or pealing old scabs.
I have owned the fact that in the past I did not hear wife's opinions well enough and made decisions I thought was best. I've apologized for this at length and have been acting accordingly since. Taking her opinion and making sure this was present in making decisions for family matters.
Don't know how to do any more than that.
Don't let it make you feel too bad,maybe what your doing is already a great improvement. Sometimes the S just wants to know their opinions are heard and understood even if the solution they want might not be possible. I'm sure she appreciates the validating and maybe there is a solution that can be found later. Don't beat yourself up too much for not having an answer, just keep listening and putting yourself in her shoes.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Don't beat yourself up too much for not having an answer, just keep listening and putting yourself in her shoes.
Hello Zephyr,
I was going to advise the exact same thing Fogg did. Please go easy on yourself. I am the same way, many times. You are not alone.
Please try to keep a PMA!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Thought a lot about your situation last night and I just wanted to add something. We all would love the power to change the past but we can't. The past is the past.it is what it is. Our perceptions of the past can change but that is another topic.
You have accepted that you could have dealt with your W's concerns better at the time, and you have apologised. How you are dealing with the interactions now is great. That is what is important. That is who you are now.
Finally (and I would like the vet's opinion on this) I have read that repeatedly apologising for the same thing is perceived as weakness. Validate validate validate.....but stop apologising.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
