Sweden beyond rescue it seems.

[Bob723]

Tulo,

Zues is right on! Wow.

Bob

[Tulo]

Hi Tulo,

Tomorrow will be a better day. Try to do something to take your mind of these troubles, even if it's only for an hour or so.

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

*Hugs*

Bob

Thank you so much dear Bob! You are so kind to check in.. Feel just awful and hope your prayers can make the man upstairs help me a little..

Big hug!!!

[Tulo]

Sorry this is so hard Tulo. Sending you strength.

What would you do if a guy you dated and broke up with 6 years ago started having sex with another woman and went out dancing?

If you answered shrug your shoulders because it's not your concern anymore and he doesn't really have a place in your emotional life, then you're spot on.

Not saying you can get there overnight...but that perspective should be a beacon towards where you want to be from a detachment standpoint.

No, none of this makes sense. He's lost. He doesn't know himself what's going on.

Dear Zues,

Thank you so much for checking in.. You are so right and reading your words made breathing a bit easier!

I have to detach and go on, he's as you say totally lost and I can't expect to see in him the things I wish for. And this is truly breaking my heart and I need to start to heal.

Lost 9kg (more or less 20 pounds) since this mess started, due to the fact that I feel so bad. So I look great, but I need to stop this weight loss and start to feel strong and good again.

My heart wants to call him and ask about this, but I know it's no use so I'll try to keep quiet.

One question dear Zues, since I'm picking up my stuff tomorrow, don't think I'll see him but IF I do, what approach? Happy, breezy and not show how sad I am?

Big hug!! You really have a gift of putting things in writing that helps..

[Huddy]

Hi Tulo

Yes, he's lost. He doesn't know what he's doing. If you see him, just be your normal self and don't show him any emotions.

[Zues126]

[quote=Zues126]
One question dear Zues, since I'm picking up my stuff tomorrow, don't think I'll see him but IF I do, what approach? Happy, breezy and not show how sad I am?

Thanks Tulo, glad we can help each other down this path.

I get fake it til you make it. I get DBing, 37 rules, light and breezy. Yes, you're right.

How I'm feeling is I'm more concerned about you detaching than I am about how you portray yourself to H. H is lost, and so deep in his own problems he's not coming back soon. The tone of one exchange is pretty small potatoes. The "talk" was such a big deal for you (understandably so!), I'd love to see you get to a spot where you don't really care how he interprets your actions.

There's a fine line between being your best self and trying desperately to control something out of your control. When you focus on what's out of your control (your H's views) you will suffer. When you focus on what you can control you'll do better. So yes, light and breezy is nice, or as Dr. Joy Browne (who's book I'm really enjoying) says, "cheerful and stupid". Like you don't understand why you'd be offended. But really, I want you to keep steering away from dwelling on how WAH will perceive you.

I just posted something on BW's thread, please check it out. I feel like I repeat myself a lot, but that's ok. Different ways of saying similar things, and I know we have to work through the same questions every day, many times a day, as our brain and heart try to make sense of what's going on. So maybe it's worth repeating.

Take care Tulo.

[Tulo]

Ok, so a few days have gone by and I'm going to try to put this mess I got myself into into words.

You know what Cadet said, how do you know they are lying? Their lips are moving.. Well, hate to say that all my thoughts of him being the exception was so misplaced. He wasn't.

On our very first date, we spoke about lots of things. Among those honesty. I asked him, and have asked him many times, to always be honest with me and I've always felt so secure with him and the fact that he has been. I've told him how grateful I've felt that I had the feeling that he was true and now I feel as such a fool. Just last Wednesday he sent a text, saying that there is nothing he's been dishonest about.. Me, as the halfwit I am, believed him.

When we had our big "talk" in the beginning of May both of us cried. I asked him if he was in contact with anyone else (OW), and he looked me straight in the eye and said no. And I felt that he was honest. We had sex several times and and have had sex several times afterwards as well, last time 2 weeks ago today.

On Sunday I was supposed to go there to pick up my stuff. I had asked him to leave it outside his door and didn't think I'd run into him. I had the plan clear. IF we met, I was supposed to be as dear Zues had said. Be easy breezy and not ask questions and so on.

So all went to sh*tsville within a few minutes. Obviously I ran into him, as he was coming out the door as I was about to go in. We said an awkward hi and he started to go with me up the stairs. He opened the door and we took a step in the apartment and all went to hell.

Ok, I'm closing my eyes, taking a breath and now I'll tell you the sordid mess I made of it all.. You remember the flowers I found out he'd sent?

So I said to him in a pretty easy tone -I just want to thank you for making this much easier for me.
H: -What?
M: Yes, easier to move on and putting this behind me.
H: What do you mean?
M: Well, the only thing I've asked of you since day one was that you'd be honest with me and since I now know we don't see this with honesty the same way..
H: There is nothing I haven't been honest about.
M: Well, when we sat in your living room you lied to me and it hurts that you didn't feel that I was worth that from you.
H: I have been honest!!
M: You and I both know you haven't and I don't want to get into it, but to say that it hurts.
H: So, what haven't I been honest about? If you say A you have to say B too..
M: You know it yourself, so why should I need to say anything?
H: So you don't have anything to say after all? And if this is about OW, I have known her for 2 years and there hasn't been anything going on.
M: You sat here when we broke up and and lied straight to my face and 2 days later you sent her flowers!
H: How do you know that? Who have said that?
M: It doesn't matter. The world is smaller than you seem to think.

Well, he went CRAZY!! So ANGRY that I have never seen him that way. Screamed that I was like all women who has to snoop and that he thought this was because I probably never been dumped before. (Yes, he used the world dumped) I said that he could put his on me all he wanted, but all I wanted and have asked for was the truth and he could have saved me the embarrassment of trying to make things good between us in the first place, making special dates for us, baking for a picnic outing with his kids when he already had made up his mind.

He was absolutely crazy angry and that he didn't want to discuss this any more and if I want to think him the worst most dishonest person in the world (he screamed at the top of his lungs)he didn't care!

As we were going down the stairs he repeated this and I said again that he can put this all on me, but in the end I asked for honesty and he didn't think me worth that from him.

We went through the door, not even saying goodbye, and I haven't heard anything since. I think he absolutely HATES me and it feels awful. I look back and can't believe I made such a mess of things and I'm so embarrassed that you all gave me such good advice and in spite of this I somehow went on auto-pilot and did/said this to him.

And now if feels awful and I just want to set everything straight but I know the last thing I can do now is to contact him. He is so angry, and mad at me. Never seen him so angry.

I feel so bad also for the fact that you all have given me some excellent advice, taken from your experience and also your time, and I just went right against it in a heartbeat.. So what's the use, really?

I made a mess of it, can't see anyway out of it, and I have only myself to blame. Only defence (and it is none) is that it crushed me to hear him say it was nothing he's been dishonest about, knowing full well that it was. And the pedestal I put him on as a man just came crashing down.

I'm lost.

Hit me with the 2x4's.. I know I deserve it, big time!!

Hugs from a very bad DB student.. No graduation for me..

[Matt777]

Tulo -

No 2x4s here. This [censored] is so damn hard. It [censored]. It hurts. It's just an impossible road to walk. We all make mistakes. We all have regrets.

The key is what you learn about this for yourself and for your future relationships, whoever they may be with.

Pick yourself up. Dust yourself off. Move forward, step by step.

[NDY]

Hi Tulo

Sorry you are having a hard time right now. I don't really have much to add except to comment on this part

I feel so bad also for the fact that you all have given me some excellent advice, taken from your experience and also your time, and I just went right against it in a heartbeat.. So what's the use, really?

Because you are still operating on your feelings, and those feelings are still very very raw. It's going to take time so don't beat yourself up about it. It happens. Get back on the horse.

[Cadet]

You know there is no reason to continue to feel bad IMHO.

You made a mistake.
You are no different than most of us tbh.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back to living your life and believing in DB and not your current relationship.
Can it be better again, YES, will it take a lot of WORK, YES.

Is this the right time to work on your relationship - NO.
Work on yourself and when the right time to work on your relationship comes you will know it and then be able to work on it.

DETACH, LET GO, and drop the rope.

[Tulo]

Tulo -

No 2x4s here.
The key is what you learn about this for yourself and for your future relationships, whoever they may be with.

Pick yourself up. Dust yourself off. Move forward, step by step.

Thanks dear Matt.. You are so kind!

So hard to let go of the feeling in my heart if he hates me or not, if he can forgive me although in my head I'm thinking that I wasn't the one who lied.. Don't know why I can't be more angry instead of this deprecating feeling all the time.

I have planned a big GAL activity this weekend and I just hope that I can detach my thoughts enough for it to be a pleasant midsummers evening celebration. It's a big thing here in Sweden and we eat certain foods and dance and celebrate the longest summer day of the year.

Thanks again for your reply, dear Matt! Means a lot!
Hugs!