Rebuilding my castle...foundation is halfway...

[kml]

Well - if you were SURE you would be turned down, then you should apply. But what happens if you get accepted? I definitely would be worried about you cosigning a loan for your daughter - you can barely keep afloat as it is, and she could easily relapse on her drinking and default on a loan.

Is there any way to find out in advance whether you would be rejected?

[LoisB]

Ok. I was declined. Before I applied, I noticed in the fine print that I could decline the loan if I was accepted.

That was fun. Nothing like more rejection :-)

[LoisB]

I have a phone interview with another publisher this morning. This company owns several newspapers and regionals in the Finger Lakes.

Yesterday was weird. I need to write it out.

First of all, I get this email last week that the "team" overseeing me and the newspaper was having a team meeting this week, but I wasn't invited. ?

At this point, I'm like, just leave me the eff alone. Whatever. Sorta par for the course with this company. Last week, I was told on deadline that a tab I had pushed and pushed for was coming out...THAT DAY...no warning. Just, hey! we've decided to go with your idea and we're putting the tab out. Decided not to stress you.

So, yesterday comes...

It was deadline day. I was in maybe the best shape I've ever been, as far as having copy done and in place. I only had a small handful of holes on the sports page and last page. I had made sure to get things in early because my paginator had some weird family crisis involving his spouse's husband... IDK. He's a nice guy and put up with me when I was a mess, so I accommodated.

Anyway, he wasn't going to be in until 2 p.m. so I had a nice morning--one local stopped by to tell me about a story and how much he loves the paper--another stops by to tell me she has found me a house to buy (not ready for that)-- I got to the main office at 2 p.m.

3 p.m. comes around and he finally arrives. He's a mess. And, he has another project which needs to go to press at the same time as my paper. There's some problem with the ads and he's all over the place.

Before we even get started, he gets pulled aside to get a talking to from the upper, anal editor about something he is doing with my paper. He's editing on the page. So, this gets his nerves all jazzed up even more. And, I get where they are coming from...but, this guy has been working in this certain way for decades with this company and it works for him and the pages he creates. He crafts a newspaper page like a work of art. Sadly, the men in charge aren't artists, they are anal-retentive types and keep coming down on him about this stuff which is really rattling his cage.

Every time we make headway on a page, he gets a call about the other publication. I didn't get out of there until 6 p.m. I was hoping to be done by 3 p.m. And, in the end, we WERE editing on the page because I was stressed and he was stressed and I just wanted to get the damn thing done. I'm sure I will hear about the editing on the page today.

In the middle of this kerfuffle, the managing editor who hired me...the one who really likes me and supports me...calls me into his office. I asked how my "team" is?

He said, "You know so-and-so and anal-retentive head editor aren't good bosses for you." I got the feeling I was being told not to trust them.

This editor can be a bit of a drama queen, but still. It like..."Ok, you're hired, but here's this new angle to worry about"

I've had trouble with anal-retentive since the beginning. The other was a bit of a surprise. He was referring to the editor who has been mentoring me and was in on the hiring meeting. He's also very anal-retentive.

Editor who likes me said he wants to look over the front page copy on deadline, early in the morning. Ok. I ask, "Is there a problem?"

"No, but I don't want there to be."

Ok. I guess they were bitching about my not following AP Style or something. IDK.

What upsets me is all of the backroom talk which then sifts down to me.

Again, back to not being valued by the company, valued by the community...I feel sorry for this sad, little community, but D12 is really anxious to skip this next winter.

While I've learned a lot here, I seem to continue to come back to the same conclusion. This job has reminded me a lot of my marriage. I'm given a Herculean task to accomplish while others are given loads more support and less criticism, I'm expected to handle the workload without complaint, I can't fully trust anyone, I get a lot of decisions made behind my back which I'm not privy to and I'm not valued for my contribution. That's my marriage to a T. Weird huh?

[LoisB]

But, wait. I have to write the other side of this out too...

I'm not sure I should be an editor. The consensus, and I agree, is I'm a good features writer. That's my skillset. I'm good at finding stories where most wouldn't see them and I'm good at creating stories which convey the human emotion involved. That's what I'm good at doing. ^^^^^

But, what if I never get an opportunity like this again? And, the pay is great and I could take this little paper and build it into something great.

But, I know I will never be an anal retentive editor. I mean, I guess I could, but I don't really want to be an editor. That would mean no writing.

And, this area, as beautiful as it is...honestly, I've never seen such beautiful, rural country... it's impoverished which means there are little opportunities to fall back on. And, it's so secluded, especially in the winter, it's hard to get place which require a drive. In other words, I don't like being in a place where my only other job option, locally, is the Walmart. In order for me to find some other employment in say Syracuse, I'd have to make this really long drive.

Sorry for belaboring this on here. But, I have all these thoughts and feelings crashing into one another constantly.

I guess when you been living in the school of hard knocks, it's hard to imagine another good opportunity could surface, ever.

I would love... I would really, really, really love to be closer to a church that speaks my language. Since this all started with Matt, I've become huge fan of Gospel music and I listen to sermons by gospel/evangelist preachers daily.

Heather's laundry list:
A gospel-type church close by
A strong homeschool community--with strong support groups
Beautiful countryside
A sorta artsy/craftsy community
A decent climate with water close to us--would love to swim year-round
Maybe somewhere closer to more Autism support

I've learned a lot, but I've been fairly miserable here. That's kinda an understatement. I've been steadily suicidal.

And, D12 has been miserable.

Ok. I will send out more resumes today in a southern direction. Asheville, Mobile, North Carolina coast...I won't limit my job hunt to newspapers. Frankly, I'd like a higher pay with a lower set of responsibilities and I will find that in trade publications, tech writing, etc...

[LoisB]

One thing I've learned from all of this...from the moment Matt left...Heather needs a strong support system in order to move forward. I need a group of people around me who speak the same language and push me forward.

I consider this board one of my supports, but I'm ready now to fill the other openings with real-time people.

I'm not sure why, but we just haven't clicked with the people here. We've tried churches, we've reached out...

I don't think it was God's will for us to remain here. This isn't our sweet spot. It overwhelms me to think about all that's involved in moving again. But, I need to turn that over.

One thing about this journey, once you stick with it...keep pushing through...you can never go back to being who you were before.

Transitions are uncomfortable. Shedding your skin, birthing a new you is hard and uncomfortable...but, that doesn't mean there isn't value in the uncomfortable part.

I think God is ok with us being challenged and uncomfortable for periods. Otherwise, we wouldn't move forward.

My goal. My hope. I want to reach that place where life is a steady, sustained peace where there's equilibrium between my giving and my blessings. Things have been out-of-balance here and I've felt hopeless.

HE will bless me when I get in the right slot.

[Mighty]

Sorry you're stressing, but you sound like you are handeling things very well. I can see such growth and strength in you. It's truly amazing. I hope you find your sweet spot soon! I'm rooting for ya, girl!

[LoisB]

Publisher would like an interview.

He is offering a part-time position at 15 per hour, no benefits...

At first, I dismissed it completely. Then, I started thinking about it. I can't afford the medical benefits right now anyway. He said if, within a year, I decided I wanted to join their company full-time, I'd have the option.

Part-time with flexibility to work from home. He said he is fine with that.

This is sorta what I was looking for a year ago. The rents are much cheaper. We'd be close Utica which has a strong homeschool community.

I said I'd meet with him.

He was asking for some editorial duties which I think I'd turn down for that pay. I'd be willing to write with no editorial duties. I'd want a chance to get settled, make friends, write, pick up some freelance gigs.

Worth considering. Not sure. I'd need to be clear about what news I'd be willing to write. I don't want to overcommit, especially on that pay.

[LoisB]

ITHACA. Not Utica.

Always get those confused. :-)

[LoisB]

Drove down to the Finger Lakes yesterday with D12. It's beautiful and we saw some things we loved. The waterfall in Montour Falls is awe inspiring. A nice day trip.

Don't see how I could cut my income to nearly half, without any benefits. I had asked the publisher via email to tell me the pay before he bothered calling. He didn't tell me until we had our phone interview.

I think I will respond that I just can't accept that pay, but thanks anyway.

Woke up very, very down.

I feel like a terrible mother right now. Can't seem to right this ship.

Spoke to my mother yesterday who told me, again, she plans on visiting to help "sometime."

I did reach out to some organizer/therapists/coaches. I may reach out again. I can't afford it, but I can't really afford not to either.

The part of me with some clarity sees that I need to get back on my meds and find someone to help me organize/therapize. Putting that into place seems herculean right now. Honestly, it feels like being asked to move a mountain. I know that's the depression.

So, I'm going to break this down into chunks.

[LoisB]

Father's Day.

I encouraged D12 to get her dad a card. We sat and looked at cards on three different occasions. She couldn't do it. I didn't push. I suggested she write a Thank You card for the concert money and told her she could add "Happy Father's Day."

The Father's Day connection appears to be the part that was too much. She agreed to send a Thank You, but wasn't comfortable sending it for today.

I am going to suggest she send a text message. I'm not sure she will or not. Again, I'm not going to push. It's her decision and I respect it.

I hurt for him. Can't imagine how much it would hurt me to have my kids not want to reach out to me.

I haven't decided if I will send a Happy Father's Day text. I don't want it to appear as if I'm rubbing it in. On Mother's Day, he sent me a text and asked what the girls did. I told him how I received gifts and a spa treatment. Now, confiding that info almost seems cruel.

I know it's not my fault. I know these are his consequences. It all makes me feel kinda sick to my stomach though.

Is it weird that I feel this pain in my stomach... sympathy pain?