Fogg, thanks for the encouragement. No more cheeseless tunnels for me.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Hey CaliGuy... you're doing Retrouvaille? I really hope it works for you...
Thanks for your words of wisdom and faith here, too. I know God has plans for our Ws... did you know mine was just baptized this past Easter??? That's what makes this all the more baffling. A year of study and embracing the faith, and then, bam... I need my freedom to explore sex with other people, this one in particular, never loved you anyway, I want to be happy, goodbye.
Went to a Divorce Care group tonight and the topic was anger... so apropos for me after a week of constantly blowing it. I guess in the corner of my room I can have my rage... she really has decided that it's over?? I'm supposed to just accept this? The OW is really her "partner" now, and I'm just an ex? How can this be? Who is she, anyway? How can I just stand off to the side and let this happen???
That's what fuels my anger whenever it emerges. And yet I know it's futile. I know the strategies here are the ones I need to follow. I know that all I can do is put her in God's hands, I control nothing. It's so hard to accept, even as my intellect fully grasps it, even as I know while I'm blowing it that I need to stop.
I have such respect for all the people in this group - those who keep trying and failing, those who've been there and continue to stick around and guide the rest of us, and those who have the strength and will to do the right things and trust in the process... and trust in God. A very special group of people indeed...
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Anger is part of this process Dif. It's real. It hurts. It comes from pain and from the perceived unfairness of our situations. I know I have it too. Boxing has helped. There are a lot of benefits from hitting things in a socially acceptable form.
God has a plan for all of us for sure, but it doesn't mean we won't feel emotions while going down the path. Lots of people on here have said that anger is the fuel to keep us out of depression. I know on the days I'm angry I get a lot more done than on the days that I'm depressed, even though neither day is fun.
All of the unanswered questions will unfortunately eat us alive if we let them. Sometimes I believe that even getting answers won't help. It's like learning why someone has passed away, it might settle your mind, but your heart still has a hole in it.
The direct contradictions between a year of study and embracing faith followed up by bad behavior makes it all even harder to swallow. My W and I housed a good friend who was going through a break up the month before she left...and she said nothing. We even counseled my sister in law on how to get her H to therapy with her weeks before my W walked out. She was the one who told my sister in law that therapy was the best option, not walking away...
We can dwell on it, and it will drive us mad. Or we can try our best to accept it and move forward. Trust the process, but also trust that the process only works if we throw ourselves into our own self development and self improvement.
My heart goes out to you over the OW. That must be gut wrenching to know about. Keep your faith in God and your faith in your own ability to handle situations that you thought might break you. You're stronger than you'll ever know.
Big hug,
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Pig Pen, thank you. You are right, and thanks for the encouragement. We had to talk this morning about housekeeping matters - moving the kids out, cleaning their apartment, what to do with our home, her buying me out of our business. Painful stuff, actually, and she tried to drag me into a fight - but I kept my cool. In the midst of it, of course I got to hear again all about how she's fallen out of love with me, how she has a new lover in her life, how she wants to live alone for at least a year (in a run down place in the hood) before moving in with her new girlfriend, how I need to just pick myself and my broken heart up and move on. All these things.
Whether reconciliation is possible or not down the road, I know all this is true. It just really feels, in the moment, that it's all a quixotic pursuit. She seems so determined to start this new life. I can't worry about that, and I know there's a big picture and a long view that she can see no better than I.
I'm just praying for God's will, and God's best for her.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
