Thinking about all what you said and how much our decision play a big number on all what is happening.
I think that at this point, the most important is to learn that nothing in life is guaranteed. I have been learning that it is important in any angle of my life.
Now, I can even understand why in the Asian culture it is so symbolic the "bonsai tree". In order for it do not die, it needs to be nurtured every day.
The right amount of light, of dark, water, cutting the right branches, talking to it, singing to it. It's a very intense care and constant love.
I suffer with the loss of something I tough would be forever... but I am thankful for the lesson I have been learning. I will never be the same person and I am sure many of us in this board won't be the same as well.
You are very hurt, regretting some of the decisions you made that became this serious and painful consequence. But life is giving you (us) a chance to learn the important lesson of being more patient, loving, attentive, fun, take life one day at a time and make it count as it would be our last.
We now have a chance to learn to forgive, to let go, to see people as humans and imperfect creatures that are seeking for perfection. I am a very passionate person, I react with big swings of emotions, but I am paying attention in all the lessons I can learn.
I hope you will see things more or less this way and learn as much as you can from this painful time.
I agree with SunnyB, your W seems to be going in circles and is having a very hard time. I also believe that she will eventually go back to a more normal person, caring mom that she was.
She is confused, lost and dealing with the side effects of menopause. Of course she is making this choice, and is right now thinking that this is the only way to resolve her problems.
Like me, and most of the folks here, we do not have control over what WAS do. We need to let them go and just hope for the best. We need to make ourselves better, more loving, more caring and somehow find ourselves in a better place in life.
You are helping every day and I hope to help you every day too. As long as we have a good heart we can always write what make sense for us to be better people in this world.
You are an amazing person and maybe you just needed to know this a long time ago and many things would be different. But, now we can tell you that you are an amazing guy, an amazing dad, an amazing husband for enduring it all and still think that you can give a little more.
Be strong RD, you are my amazing friend.
And by the way, if life put us in each other's path, the drinking, eating a nice meal, dancing at the moonlight, getting that bike ride to the water. Oh well, it would be probably time to go back home since we have so many kids... kkkkkkk
Hi RD, interesting to read the last few posts on your thread. I guess we all look back now and see things we could have done differently. But as others have said - history is history - and the main thing is what we are doing now, and how we are moving forward towards happy lives in the future.
I think with M & S, it can be hard to maintain enthusiasm and a freshness to ML. I know for us it became rather 'routine' and this contributed towards where we are now. It's certainly something I would nurture more carefully going forwards.
I agree with what others say about your W. I don't think her lifestyle or degree of unhappiness are sustainable in the longer term. I suspect things will shift at some point. How they will shift is unknown. But the important thing is that you are happy in your own life, whichever direction things head in...
Take care RD xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks all for the support. Just an update. Got a good few texts from EXW yesterday and none needed. EXW used to stay on a Wednesday but not any more. When I got home EXW was still here and I asked her if she would be ok to sign passport papers She agreed with no problems I then told her that her text on Sunday about being homesick was very sad and I didn't answer because I didn't know what to say She started crying and said she wouldn't send anymore texts like that and she was sorry. I said it wasn't about me but it's was hard to know that she was sad She then said she didn't know why she was doing what she was dong but felt she had to do it at the moment. I vaildated by saying she had to do what she thought was right. She started crying again and I said it was tough to see her get upset and maybe she should try changing a few things in her life She started to say she didn't know if where she would be in a year and she was looking for a new job. I said I wanted her to be happy and if that meant she climbed the Himalayas I hoped she did it.
She started crying again and said she i had the wrong impression. Of her new life and her friends. I couldn't help myself and asked if she wasn't in a relationship with her friend , what would she call it She said it wasn't a realtionship it was just a friendship. She went on to say there was nothing romantic in it and even though I had told her we couldn't be friends she still considered me to be her best friend and she could only turn to me if she was really in trouble I explained again that I couldn't be her friend and she just smiled and started crying again. I told her that I had to go shopping and ended the chat.
While I have given up on the R it still saddens me It feels as if it would be so easy to reconcile but I suppose that's just my view
That's one of the hardest parts RD. I wonder if our WAS's realize how much work we're doing. I'm a completely different man than the one my W left six months ago. COMPLETELY. Everyone who's still in my life has told me they've never seen me like this.
Even my W has told me she can tell how much healthier and more actualized I am now, and it almost seems like she's using my progress as a way to justify staying away, making it all the more frustrating.
Trust DB, trust the process, keep moving forward.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
She then said she didn't know why she was doing what she was dong but felt she had to do it at the moment. I vaildated by saying she had to do what she thought was right. She started crying again and I said it was tough to see her get upset and maybe she should try changing a few things in her life She started to say she didn't know if where she would be in a year and she was looking for a new job. I said I wanted her to be happy and if that meant she climbed the Himalayas I hoped she did it.
Hello Rd,
Thanks for all your supportive posts in my thread. I finally have a little spare time.
I feel you validated her feelings in a perfect manner and, because of this and you hanging so tough, you have her "flipping around" as Sunny put it. Well done! You are an inspiration to me and many others on this forum.
I liked PigPen's post right after your last one. Especially "That's one of the hardest parts RD. I wonder if our WAS's realize how much work we're doing?" PP is rght on the mark and, who knows, maybe your EXW is starting to notice?
Hang in there, mate! One step at a time . . .
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Hi RD, just stopping by to say Hello. I read your convo with your W. I'm sorry she still sounds so lost, and think you did well just validating and being there in an emotionally charged situation.
I still think your focus on OM and the precise nature of their friendship/relationship is a cheeseless tunnel for you. She may tell you X or she may tell you Y. It may be true. It may be not....I think it is best to focus on areas where you do have more control.
Now then RD, I notice that people are still mentioning a little GAL for you....and you are not responding to that. Would now be a good time to plan a little something? When was the last time you went out to a social event without your kids??
Take care RD (((RD)))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Toots. Thanks for checking in. You are so right re OM. I may never know and need to let it go.
I'm taking 3 of the kids to Spain for a week and the enticement is great to see. Due to Dyalisis over the last no of years I havent been able to get away for more than two days so it a really different things for us to do and first time we've been away since D11 was born
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
seems like you are doing ok and i suspect its a good thing you are pulling away a little more from your W. There is something going on there and to be honest its not something anything you do will influence much.
the holiday in spain sounds like a really good plan (my recent holiday was well worth it).
I (unsurprisingly) agree with Toots regarding OM and it seem lie you recognise it as an issue. Do you have any kind of strategy for dealing with it?
Anyways im pleased you're ok
Take care
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
