Thank you, job. I appreciate it very, very much. Excellent description and perspective.

Unfortunately, he got to me tonight. I am pretty ticked off. Not like I used to be, but he can still get to me. And because it's my kid... it makes me nauseous.

I don't know the full extent, but all I need to know to be so disgusted.

Xh texted d14 and asked her to be honest, why is she distant. She said something along the lines of:

Because you got some ho pregnant and left us, lied and said you were coming back and left us again.

He told her that he has already told her that that it didn't work out with him and me. And she needs to move forward.

They went back and forth, but I'm not totally sure what was said. D14 let loose, that's what I know. Didn't have many nice things to say, but in it, was expressing the hurt of how he left us, pretty much high and dry, for a different family.

xh's comment... "Those sound like your mom's words."

Seriously.

Pissed.

Then he said something about, "your crazy mom"

I have bit my tongue... I have walked away... I have tried to be neutral... I have defended that baby, and even hww's first illegitimate child,


The r between xh and the kids FIRST started going sour when hww started controlling xh... before we even knew about her. She dictated how and when he saw the kids. And, he allowed it.

I talked to him then about it.. how he was handling things with the kids... and it was affecting the r.

That was the beginning. When he told the kids about his sitch, they flipped. I wasn't there. He acknowledged to them how messed up it was the first time.

So how is this all my fault?

OK, so now he has something on me. I'm crazy. OK. Whatever. I'd say human. Hurt. You know, running into the selfish, entitled skank who encouraged the demise of my family, had an affair with my h, got pregnant by my h, and spread a std, which I had to take time off from work for surgery, disrespected my children, and threw temper tantrums when my children's father spent time with his kids, and sorry if I said, "What up, homewrecker." I mean, that's the worst thing I could have done, supposedly.

And I am a bad guy. I'm crazy. OK, uR. They have something on me now.

I don't really care about all that. And I know it sounds ridiculous...

but the thing is... I am so over it at this point. I don't care anymore. I know he doesn't know that. And he probably wouldn't believe it. It's much easier to make me be crazy, insane, and pining for him... looking for revenge, which is why their life is so crazy... because of me. Yeah, right.

I don't wish him ill will. I really don't. I just want him out of my life. I don't want to have to deal with anything with him.

Why is he so angry with me? Why am I such a bad guy? How does he all of a sudden become even more delusional. I mean, he expressed so well how he realized how messed up it was, how she is clueless, and how he understands why I was upset... and that it would make anyone crazy. But, really? He totally has NO loyalty towards me at all now. What changed that? Here I am... in his head? I guess it is just so hard to believe....

Ignoring him for the past few months was probably frustrating to him. So, after Wall-gate... easy-peasy... good way to deflect.

Anyway, after this went down and d14 told me, I was soooo tempted to call him. To set it straight. That he needs to stop saying "it didn't work out" bc that is a lame cop-out. And that is the beginning... to tired to even continue with what I WANTED to say... but knew it was moot.

But I think what still gets to me these days is the fact that MY marriage was discussed between them. That they decided for our divorce. She pushed it. He filed. And, yet, that discussion was never had between my husband and me. My r was decided and discussed between them. It is just so disrespectful.

That's actually something I had thought about a few hours before all of this today... how badly they disrespected me. And that... I think I allowed him to... I think I, for sure, would have stood up to anyone who would disrespect me. Except him. I don't think I felt worthy of it, or valued myself enough. But who is he? What does he truly have to offer me? I will never give him power over me again. Wow, I'm taking, now, my earlier thoughts, and what happened w d14 and making them into something more.

I want to say to him, farewell... I don't wish him bad things. That I am not concerned about his choices anymore. (He really needs to get over himself.) But, I know he won't even hear that.

I just cant carry anymore of this. It is to much. To weighing. Too negative.

I had a really good afternoon, before that. And I would love to share that instead. I will not let him diminish those things for me anymore.

I heard d14 telling s18 about it when s18 got home from work. S18 said (while reading the text aloud), "Oh, 'I'm sorry you feel I lied to you,' so he isn't sorry for actually lying to you. He can't just say, 'I'm sorry I lied.'"

Ok, so I'm going to continue to carry on and do my thing. I'm not going to let it bring me down. But, I know that there will be some thoughts surfacing about what I feel I should say to xh. That I'm not that concerned about him anymore and he needs to get over it. Even in a nice way. But, I know it will go unheard. But it will be on my mind, I just know it.