Lol FY ... You might be on to something with that T shirt idea ... sounds like a money maker!! Thanks for your encouragement ... coming from you .. the Man of Patience I know I can learn a few things from your style.
Yesterday was fairly dim communication wise with W. I focused on work and stayed a bit later, called her asking where I pick up S as it was my night. She sounded a bit off, and said they had just got home so I told her I would pick up S soon.
I arrive and was of the mindset just to pick up S and get home, clean up .. dinner .. the typical schedule. W seemed like she wanted me to hang out... honestly I really did not want to. She then asked if I wanted to have dinner the next day ... I told her I really have some things I need to get done. Then we hit a mini R talk ... I expressed the fact there is a big difference for me between 'family' time and 'her and I' time touching on one of the issues I have had in our M as S since he was born was put between us almost as a shield for her ... something that in the New M if it gets to that point will have to change for me.
I also told her I am not sure where I stand nor what to do, I have no clue how to go about 'this' as we are not connecting ... she said she is 'trying' and I told her I understand she is going through alot, with the job search and figuring out what she wants out of life ... seems she is at a real cross roads at the moment and I told her I did not want to add to that pressure. She told me I have been distant ... I calmly told her its a no win for me .. I am either distant or I am suffocating as she has said both those things in the past month.
Looking at this and how I feel. I just do not know, I am struggling still with the A, the OM and the lingering things she said during the Anger/Replay stages ... things I can not unsee nor unhear ... most days its not an issue but the strangest things can trigger me. TV shows .. commercials ... even taking S to her place this morning the way she answered the door was like when she was in LaLa land with OM and I was treated not as a guy she had been with for 24 years but more like a pesky paper boy. These are MY issues ... and I feel like I want to sabotage this whole thing .... its a strange feeling, I wanted to save my M this whole time but now that there might just be a chance for that I feel like subconsciously I am trying to act out ... make sure she feels the hurt that I did in some way ... and that's just not me. Something for me to look at ant work on ... my head and heart says one thing ... but the hurt little boy has really been screaming and acting up as of late.
I think you are doing great, and your feelings of uncertainty, wanting to sabotage your R, acting out, etc. seem like very normal feelings as your Retrovaille weekend approaches.
I suspect you may have some fear also? What if the weekend doesn't "work" (whatever "work" means)?
Let your feelings work through themselves. And don't try and force anything right now. Let it all come to you. Keep up the good work.
So as fate would have it. I am at work and decided to take a break, I wrote out my faith story for the church so tomorrow we can go over it and trim it down to fit in the time frame. Writing that out I realized how far I have come, how much I have learned both here and in my faith ... and yeah Wet ... in a word there is fear there, mixed in with insecurities creating anxiety.
I will be OK regardless ... I know that. I have been giving this "Limbo" thing some thought ... its not really Limbo at all, I am not sitting around doing nothing, nor am I 'waiting' on anything. I am living my life ... sure I would prefer to be married and happily ever after but that blew up almost 2 years ago. I am at peace ... I am proud for the most part how I have walked this ... sure I made mistakes, we all do .. we all will .. but its learning from those and pressing forward more then we go backwards.
I am stronger and better for this ... and will continue to become stronger and better.
Hi Cali, that's good timing with your church script. Nice that doing the talk has helped you already and will be helping others.
You know, I think DBing is so much easier in so many ways. You get into your groove after fits & starts, you have a bit of a plan and you feel on a steady course, in charge of your own destiny. Open to possible R, but closed to the day to day chit that comes from your Spouse.
But when you are at your stage, and there is some reconnection happening, those tender parts of you start to get exposed again and you feel much more vulnerable. I can see the urge to just blow it all up before it has a chance to fail or succeed.
However, you have short term plan and that is Retrouvaille, which will likely be a growth experience for you both. And after that who knows?? The good thing is that you do now know that you will be great either way. It's good that you can look back now and see how far you have come.
I hope your talk goes well - based on your wisdom on this forum, I expect it will!
Good luck (((Cali)))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Ya know ... I would have to agree. During that hardcore DB thing sure you are sifting through what works and what does'nt, then you have to figure out how to just let go, allow them their journey and continue on your own.
Then as you said .. a little reconnection hits .. and as I have expressed this before I was not prepared for those feelings I locked up to flood back so hard and so fast .. it honestly flet like I was being cheated on all over again. Truth is I thought I dealt with those feelings and moved on, but in fact I simply put them in a box and forgot about them ... they were there all along waiting to come out and be dealt with.
I currently wrestle with wanting to do the work and get through these issues, and just tossing in the towel knowing I could just box them up and hide them again, would they be there in a new R? Would a new R in fact not be easier? After all these changes can W even give me what I need after all this? How can I heal these wounds that run to the core of me?
All unanswered questions I have, at times the mind will race and I get anxious with them rattling around ... then I will do something, or read something and I am back to those DB days of calm and clarity ... the 2.0 reset.
Hey sweetie. Yep, when we are in the thick of it, we are just trying to get through it. We are doing everything we can to save the marriage. Then we hit our grove and we are detached.
For many, reconnection is the most difficult part. You feel like you have to rip the scab off and that all your hard earned changes are being challenged. You arent sure if you even want the marriage saved and whether you have the strength to get through it all.
So, first things first. Yes, if you dont sort through all of that stuff..the affair, etc. you bring it with you. Whether in this marriage or another relationship. That has to be reconciled in your mind in order for you to truly move forward. And its ok for you not to know what that looks like right now....as long as you are working towards it.
Luke, you seem to still be looking at everything she says and does. You look closely at her moods. You are back to allowing all of that to influence how you think and act.
You cannot control her words or actions. You can only control yours. The key here is to get back on your path. That means allowing this to unfold as it will. It means that you are who you have become REGARDLESS of what she is saying or how she is acting, yea?
She is still working through the tunnel. You have to let her.
As long as you still worry about what it all means when she is distant or not, you will get frustrated.
You do not have to figure it all out now, my friend.
Be Cali 2.0. Every single day. Be the man you want to be...for you.
Allow her to figure out herself. You are still dancing the dance with her. You get distant, she pulls you in...she gets distant, you pull her in.
You are allowing the OM to have your power. Dont give it to him.
So, do your thing. Work through your stuff.
Get to gettin...or I am going to start fluffing up my 2 x 4.
(Note to newbies ... do not snoop, 80% of these issues were from snooping .. I was better off not knowing)
This seems to be a painful lesson we all learn the hard way. When were early in the sitch we just want answers and to feel connected in some way, even if it hurts. I can already see how those images and thoughts are burned into my memory only to resurface later and cause more destruction.
I can feel for all those emotions you're going through lately with the uncertainty of what you really want from the M, or if its even possible your wounds can heal. I don't have the answers and I have been wrestling with the same questions myself lately. I can only imagine being 2 years in and still having the same thoughts but I believe deep down the faith we have will allow them to heal. We may never be able to forget them, but I do believe we can get to a point where they no longer cause us the pain that controls our actions in an unhealthy way. A place we can be happy in our MR no matter who we end up with. Yes, running away and sabotaging may be the easy route for now, but I highly doubt it would be anything more than a temporary band-aid for the current pain. I think your doing great with what you have been through, keep moving forward and trust in God that things will work out. We might not be able to see it yet, but its there past the horizon waiting for us.
Originally Posted By: uRworthy
Get to gettin...or I am going to start fluffing up my 2 x 4.
I laughed, lol
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
"(Note to newbies ... do not snoop, 80% of these issues were from snooping .. I was better off not knowing)"
I'm going to have to disagree with this to a certain degree. Sometimes snooping is good if it's to protect the assets and rights of the LBS. There have been times that the WAS gives the OP their whole life savings without the LBS knowing. And they're left penniless. And there are those extreme cases, where the OP is a complete nut job and wants to do harm to the LBS.
It's good to protect yourself first and foremost.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
