The Dance of Uncertainty Continues...

[PigPen]

Thank you again Heavy, Sunny, Matt, Roiste, BW, Arleen and Defacto. I truly appreciate your kind words and reaching out.

Yesterday was miserable. Part of it is the fact that my W just up and left, and we live in a very small town. Thus I still run into people that don't know about our separation and ask me how she's doing. I even had her cousin reach out to me yesterday and he didn't know. It's like one day she just decided to disappear on everyone and left me to pick up the pieces while she enjoys her new life in her new town without having to hold any of the responsibility for leaving.

I do realize that coming back from abroad is a process in itself as well. Even though it's been six months, I spent two of them in a complete bubble and now I've most definitely left that bubble. Now I see all of our old memories everywhere I go. It's awful.

On another note, I've been reading a great book called "To Be A Man" and it has made me realize how much of a fear of rejection I had not only going into my M as my wife and I had broken up twice before getting married - but also throughout it. I'm sure that the fear of rejection made me more controlling, less open and vulnerable, and less tolerant of her sense of independence and need for freedom. While I would tell her that I would support her in doing anything she wanted in life, part of me viewed her individuality and need to do things outside of our marriage as a rejection of it.

I'm not sure if that's co-dependence, fear of abandonment, or a different flavor of insecurity - but it was there. It's something I'm going to be working on with my IC.

Trusting the DB process is certainly a journey in itself and today I'm going to focus on doing just that - trusting this process.