Thank you both for stopping by, I've simply had a miserable day of missing my W.
I think detachment is a myth in my case as two simple texts, and driving through her new town have turned me into a basket case all day. I wrote an email to her this morning that I didn't send. I didn't send it but I had to write it. So much for yesterday's epiphany of holding space...
ALL DAY I've been seeing her car here in town, waiting for her to walk in the door of my office (she would come almost every day), and missing the hell out of her. I keep telling myself that this will pass in time, but here we are six months in and it seems like yesterday that she was an integral part of my life and future.
Maybe I did put her on a pedestal and think that my life would be ok as long as she was in it. I definitely didn't address my own challenges, and maybe I needed to be on my own to make things that were screwed up me unscrewed up.
I'm grateful for the changes, so many positive changes. And I mean it when I say I'm truly grateful and can't imagine going back to how I was living before with her. But damn if I don't think we can build on what we did have and make it what we always wanted now that we've both done so much work on ourselves.
I may need to come back on rant later, today is kicking me in the backside.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I'm sorry you had a tough day yesterday. Stay focused, PigPen. You've been making great changes for yourself. Today is a new day.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Sorry you had such a down day. I think that will happen for a while. Even though it has been 6 months, you were away for a bit of that time and did not have to deal with the situation right in front of you. I see that just from my business trips. Think you were gone for a couple of months right?
I am doing better and better, but have really hard days where I miss H like crazy. I travel overseas for work a lot and have always looked forward to flying back home to see H. This last flight home was almost unbearable. Sitting closed up in a plane for 11 hours with no where to go to escape showing emotions. Realizing I was no longer coming home to an H even though we still live together. I got my $h!t together over the weekend and had really good days. Soon those will start to outway the bad days. Since this weekend, I have really made an effort to see a stop sign any time I focus on H or negative feelings and turn my thoughts to myself and what makes me happy. Thoughts of graditude. Seems to be working.
Hang in there. You can do this!!
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Agree with rd. Don't use the word love to and probably should drop the please too. Wait for a vet with better wording if you can.
Oops I missed a page where message already sent.
Best if luck
Last edited by roiste; 06/16/1502:30 PM.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
And I mean it when I say I'm truly grateful and can't imagine going back to how I was living before with her. But damn if I don't think we can build on what we did have and make it what we always wanted now that we've both done so much work on ourselves.
PigPen, anyone that's been here a while totally gets this. We don't want what we had, but we don't understand why our WAS won't try to build something better. It's just that they don't want to, and we are never going to understand why. That doesn't fix it for you, just trying to let you know you aren't alone. Knowing that so many others had gone through the same thing meant a good deal to me. It took the pressure off me, let me know I wasn't the singular Epic Failure of the World. You aren't either.
Thank you again Heavy, Sunny, Matt, Roiste, BW, Arleen and Defacto. I truly appreciate your kind words and reaching out.
Yesterday was miserable. Part of it is the fact that my W just up and left, and we live in a very small town. Thus I still run into people that don't know about our separation and ask me how she's doing. I even had her cousin reach out to me yesterday and he didn't know. It's like one day she just decided to disappear on everyone and left me to pick up the pieces while she enjoys her new life in her new town without having to hold any of the responsibility for leaving.
I do realize that coming back from abroad is a process in itself as well. Even though it's been six months, I spent two of them in a complete bubble and now I've most definitely left that bubble. Now I see all of our old memories everywhere I go. It's awful.
On another note, I've been reading a great book called "To Be A Man" and it has made me realize how much of a fear of rejection I had not only going into my M as my wife and I had broken up twice before getting married - but also throughout it. I'm sure that the fear of rejection made me more controlling, less open and vulnerable, and less tolerant of her sense of independence and need for freedom. While I would tell her that I would support her in doing anything she wanted in life, part of me viewed her individuality and need to do things outside of our marriage as a rejection of it.
I'm not sure if that's co-dependence, fear of abandonment, or a different flavor of insecurity - but it was there. It's something I'm going to be working on with my IC.
Trusting the DB process is certainly a journey in itself and today I'm going to focus on doing just that - trusting this process.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
