Sit and Spin

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

We are a same sex couple - both women

My apologies. I guess I might have figured that out if I read more. Still, most of what I said still applies because being blindsided like this is a jarring experience. Somewhere along the line will come the time when you second-guess yourself wondering why you didn't see this coming and why (or whether) you still have those loving feelings after this has happened. Like I said, it is and was an expression of who you are. To deny that IS to deny your own being.

It just doesn't make it any easier.

It will still take a long-time to recover, it feels like someone died, etc. I found, what I later found as the 1-2 months of recovery for every year in the relationship, to be generally true in my own life (I knew my wife for 11 years, married for seven when the affair was revealed). Although my fatherhood role changed immediately (and the way I identified with it), it took about nine months before I took those first real steps to identify myself in some other way to establish a revised self-identity. It was 19 months before I felt "recovered enough" to allow myself to be "available" for another relationship. And let me tell you that was really a lot harder than I expected particularly where children are involved.

And most importantly, never use the children as a wedge in the middle of a divorce simply because it has really, really toxic effects on their lives. If there was anything that my ex and I did correctly, it was that. We honored that and our son would tell you (as he has told me) that he knows that his life could have been so much worse just looking at some of his friends that went through divorce. As disruptive as it was on our lives, we worked pretty hard to keep the disruption of his life to a minimum. I had some context to operate with because my parents went through a fairly nasty divorce in that regard.

I wish you luck and clear skies.

The Captain