So do MLC'ers think we are stupid. I got home last night and H had mowed my yard. Very nice yes. I knew he was in different clothes then what he came over in. So I casually said oh you didn't even get all grassy (the yard was wet from all the rain and there wasn't a lick of grass on him) he said oh I changed my clothes I brought some over. I said "did you shower too"? (at my house) he said yes. and he was headed for the door seemed to be in a hurry so I said where you off to? He said home.
so does he expect me to believe that he would shower and change clothes just to go home? I didn't say another word I just thanked him for mowing my yard and said I appreciated it.
It seems it can't give a straight answer to save his life. I know it is none of my business but why can't they just be honest?
Alright I am done with that just needed to vent the things H says makes me feel like he thinks I am stupid to believe it.
MLCer's don't have a clue as to whether we know something or not. He may have gotten wet and sweaty and needed to take a shower before getting in his vehicle. Yeah, he could have taken a shower, changed clothes and then gone home. Don't "assume" anything when it comes to the MLCer.
BTW, you will not get straight answers from them. Why? Because they do not want us to know what they are doing. They look upon us as authority figures. You are the "mom" to his boy persona right now. What "mom" doesn't know won't hurt her and then she can't point finger out me and make me feel bad.
Think about it...teenagers act this way quite a bit.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ah thanks for the explanation. That was what I was wondering why not just say I changed because I am headed to so and so why say I am going home. He lives 15 minutes away why on earth would you have to shower and change clothes to drive home. I think he was going somewhere else and didn't want to say.
Yeah I feel he is that way like he needs permission or thinks I won't approve so he won't tell me. Whatever whenever he does open up like last Saturday he told me he had worked half day and then they went to a bar and played pool. I just teased him a little and said that was a nice way to work and that is it. He laughed.
I am trying to make him feel like its ok to tell me things but I feel like last night was a set back or maybe he really did just shower to go home. Who knows.
Have you done any homework on reading up on MLC? If not, you might want to do so because they truly go back to a young age and learn to grow up from there. Some do, some don't...no way to tell until much, much later.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So I have been reading Codependent No More. Wow what a eye opener I think H and I were both codependents. I think my codependency was toward trying to always make sure our R was working and worrying about it which in turn I think made h feel like I was controlling.
I realize now that it should be two people working on the R and you shouldn't need to worry or feel like you need to keep your finger on the so called pulse of things because if they are going to cheat they will no matter how much you look over their shoulder. I think I always worried about that and so tried to make sure H was always happy, and our M was good, and that we did everything together and if we didn't I would worry that something bad would happen in our M.
I am pretty sure I got that from my parents marriage where my mom would take us kids away for 3 months in the summer to our summer home and my dad would stay home and work. He ended up cheating on my mom while she was away. I am sure I got it into my head that if you didn't spend all your time together other then work and my H's 3 weeks vacation by himself it would fall apart.
I don't think I was overbearing in the sense that H never did things with friends because he did his vacations etc but I know I did worry about our marriage/cheating a lot.
So I have been reading Codependent No More. Wow what a eye opener I think H and I were both codependents. I think my codependency was toward trying to always make sure our R was working and worrying about it which in turn I think made h feel like I was controlling.
he may also have felt scrutinized and in fact, to an extent he was being scrutinized. That usually feels like a negative, or as if someone is judging him. My bottom line is that taking the temperature of a relationship tends to cool it, fast.
When you believe that you are a great catch, inwardly content with who you are, it'll radiate and that matters! And constantly doubting yourself and trying to assess how "it's going" with h, also shows.
Can you see how important it is for YOU to work on you and your own feelings about yourself? It starts and ends, with you. Make sense?
FYI, I've recommended the book Co-dependent No More, a hundred times. Glad you found it.
I realize now that it should be two people working on the R and you shouldn't need to worry or feel like you need to keep your finger on the so called pulse of things because if they are going to cheat they will no matter how much you look over their shoulder.
to put another way, if you're a good catch who gets it, then he's not likely to cheat
AND IF he does anyhow, that's on him. You're still a great catch.
I think I always worried about that and so tried to make sure H was always happy, and our M was good, and that we did everything together and if we didn't I would worry that something bad would happen in our M.
Sometimes we let our fears steer us so much, that we bring about the very event we fear the most. For instance, constantly checking our spouse's phone records and snooping b/c we FEAR them cheating,
can actually lead to them feeling suffocated and can make them a lot more vulnerable to affairs. So yes, I truly believe we can create the circumstances that morph our fears into reality.
Of course then we might argue that "we were right to fear it" But that misses the piece we should learn from, which is how we ourselves hurt our cause.
And let's say that the constant insecurity does Not result in an affair...we know the fear did NOT reduce the chances, it is, at best, a neutral in the marriage but it's still self inflicted misery on our part.
I am pretty sure I got that from my parents marriage where my mom would take us kids away for 3 months in the summer to our summer home and my dad would stay home and work. He ended up cheating on my mom while she was away. I am sure I got it into my head that if you didn't spend all your time together other then work and my H's 3 weeks vacation by himself it would fall apart.
There's usually a thread of truth in our fears. Prolonged time apart does tend to create emotional distance too. But you know, you CAN change the tape in your head. It's your head and your tape.
Imagine your life is a novel. Be the author of your life. How do you want this next chapter to go? And how about the rest?
I don't think I was overbearing in the sense that H never did things with friends because he did his vacations etc but I know I did worry about our marriage/cheating a lot.
I am learning better now.
((( Yes I believe you are )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Wow, I mean, wow. 25 always gives golden advice but this is over the top!
I don't know about you, but I am going to read and re-read 25's thoughts and advice (thanks 25 from me, too!)
Hang in there.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I have read some and have learned a lot from around here. Thanks for the information!