Yesterday was fairly dim communication wise with W. I focused on work and stayed a bit later, called her asking where I pick up S as it was my night. She sounded a bit off, and said they had just got home so I told her I would pick up S soon.
I arrive and was of the mindset just to pick up S and get home, clean up .. dinner .. the typical schedule. W seemed like she wanted me to hang out... honestly I really did not want to. She then asked if I wanted to have dinner the next day ... I told her I really have some things I need to get done. Then we hit a mini R talk ... I expressed the fact there is a big difference for me between 'family' time and 'her and I' time touching on one of the issues I have had in our M as S since he was born was put between us almost as a shield for her ... something that in the New M if it gets to that point will have to change for me.
I also told her I am not sure where I stand nor what to do, I have no clue how to go about 'this' as we are not connecting ... she said she is 'trying' and I told her I understand she is going through alot, with the job search and figuring out what she wants out of life ... seems she is at a real cross roads at the moment and I told her I did not want to add to that pressure. She told me I have been distant ... I calmly told her its a no win for me .. I am either distant or I am suffocating as she has said both those things in the past month.
Looking at this and how I feel. I just do not know, I am struggling still with the A, the OM and the lingering things she said during the Anger/Replay stages ... things I can not unsee nor unhear ... most days its not an issue but the strangest things can trigger me. TV shows .. commercials ... even taking S to her place this morning the way she answered the door was like when she was in LaLa land with OM and I was treated not as a guy she had been with for 24 years but more like a pesky paper boy. These are MY issues ... and I feel like I want to sabotage this whole thing .... its a strange feeling, I wanted to save my M this whole time but now that there might just be a chance for that I feel like subconsciously I am trying to act out ... make sure she feels the hurt that I did in some way ... and that's just not me. Something for me to look at ant work on ... my head and heart says one thing ... but the hurt little boy has really been screaming and acting up as of late.
