Affair Over but Stuck

[Hurt06]

Thanks for posting again. Your sig says she is a SAHM. Is she not working yet?

I see several alternatives. They are about boundaries, not control/ultimatums, so you might want to brush up on that thread again.

One is to file D.

Another is to file legal separation. In my case we didn't 'file' it, I just had her served which protected me in some financial ways and time stamped it (so if it DID need to be filed it could be put on the record).

Finally, you could just set firmer boundaries. Do you have separate checking accounts? Are you paying 100% of her bills (including the cell phone she uses to arrange her liasons)? Do you have a schedule for when you're going to spend time with the kids and when you're going to be out?

I get it, you don't want to escalate things emotionally. That's GOOD. But neither do you want to be a rug, or enable her behavior (which is unattractive and ineffective).

I think it makes sense to incrementally increase your boundaries. Maybe start by separating finances. Maybe a separation at some point to protect yourself if she wracks up 20K in credit card debt. Etc.

Why don't you list the things you're doing that are enabling her today, and then we can start discussing ways you can draw healthy boundaries without jumping to D tomorrow.

Thanks for the help guys.


Yes she is SAHM. She had a small part time job (15 hours a week) but has been laid off. She is back to no job and looking.

The state laws do not allow Legal Separation so only option is D.

I have separated all finances as she keeps taking trips to see her family that we cannot afford and overdrawing our account.

I am the sole provider and the only one bringing in any finances and I pay for everything, including her cell phone, internet, etc.

I have given her grocery money and one tank of gas weekly because thats all we can afford. Yes this is controlling but if I allow her free access to our income then we don't have enough money to pay the bills. I am at a loss as what to do financially. I do not want to be a rug and I am very tired of being lied to and taken advantage of.

She takes no part in paying any bills or finances. I have tried to give some of these to her but she refuses to take responsibility.

Of Course she says I am controlling but I really have no other choice.

I am open to any and all suggestions.