The book of Lou - Chapter 3

[LouR]

Thank you for the Birthday Wishes job, Bright, Bea and Gwen.

Thanks Gwen for your kind words, they mean a lot to me and I always love hearing from you.

Well, what da know, h tm again this morning - that is twice this week. I am happy he tm and not calls as it gives me time to stand back and think of my answers.

The jist of this conversation -

H - Morning, hows your weeks going? (have to check in on my elders ) -this is because I am older by 3 months - He then said his started off badly when he reversed a work van into a car, not a good first impression!

me- Oh Dear! Killer week, but getting into a routine now. You ok?

H -Yep, job less intense than last one. Home is still the same, settling in to work before I look to cause upheaval there. Glad you settling into work, hope your managing to build a life around it.Can I ask a favour? I have to pay the excess on the insurance for the accident and I am now paid weekly (he used to be paid monthly) so can I defer this months payment to you.

Me - Yes to money (figure that he has never been late on a payment yet and first time he has asked for a defer. Now I know this could be seen as fixing, but it could also be seen as doing something kind which puts me in a good light) Yes I am building a life, I am off out right now actually (was going to a g/friend for coffee before work)

H - Thank you for holding off on the payment.

Then we talked about s18 for a couple of tm

Me - Have a good weekend x

H - You too - apart from having to work x

I know in DB world I was not supposed to ask him if he is OK or give him an inch on the money or add the sentiment, but as we are trying the "friendship" thing, I need to give on something.

These past tm I am ok with, just carrying on as normal, like he is just someone I know.

Anyway - enough of the h talk, he is just happening in the background atm - its all go with the GAL stuff, just been invited to another party and a couple of coffee dates. Then a girl I work with (who's party I was kidnapped from) told me she loves crafting and finding old stuff to recycle -snap - so she is going to show me around the best secondhand places.

Today I bought some really cool fabric to make cushion covers with.

My stuff has arrived back in NZ and is clearing customs atm, so hopefully I will have it with me very soon. I have not seen it for 6 months while it went around the globe!!

Last shift tomorrow and then 2 days off. I am off to the pub Sunday afternoon with a new friend and then into town to have a pamper at the hairdressers on Monday.

Life is definitely looking up

[job]

Lou,
I think you handled the conversation via tm quite well. You were kind and willing to work w/him because of the accident. He sees that you are not vindictive and wish to punish him for his mistakes.

I'm glad to read that your belongings are now back on NZ soil! I'm sure you will be very happy to have your belongings back safe and sound. Have fun looking for things in the second hand shops. One person's trash is another person's treasures. I bet you will find some really cool stuff.

Enjoy your weekend!

[LouR]

Grrrrrr, vent time –

H rang s18 today, started to arrange s going to visit him. I overheard them discussing flight times and asked what they were doing – s18 explained and I asked what happened to him looking for a job so he stops getting behind in his rent – he answered “ I will look when I get back” – they were talking 4 weeks’ time for the visit so I was not happy. I am currently subsidising him and I struggle with that on my wages, plus he also owes me a lot of money that he has neglected to pay back, another reason for getting a job.

This did not deter s18 so I asked to speak to h, I explained why I was objecting to the visit, said it was because he struggles to pay the rent and that I am currently paying my half, plus all the bills and food, so to cover s half as well is impossible for me. H agreed with me, said he was not aware that s was not keeping up with rent and yes he needs to get work. I then said I can’t afford the other half of the flight yet, so h replied that he was paying the whole thing (yep, after he asked for a defer payment) and s was going to work it off by doing jobs around his house (good luck with that!), so I pointed out that while everything is up in the air with him its maybe not advisable to have s visit – h replied," she is away that week so it’s an ideal time, yes I know things have to change and soon and they are, I am just staying put because she allows me to stay here financially, that is all she is, I know that is really selfish of me." (you think!!)

I was so p@#$ed with this statement so I went against all non r talk and said “seriously, you know being with her affects how we interact” (this was because we discussed this as a boundary of our new friendship) h replied “yeah I know, things have to change” so I said “ I am not getting into this now, this is a conversation for another day” he said “yeah ok” . I passed him back to s ( I took the call away from s) and h talked to s about not coming down, that he agreed with me and perhaps he can come see him instead. That he needs to get work and needs to start paying rent regularly. He asked how much he owes and s mistook his question and ended up telling h that he owes 3 weeks rent plus the money he borrowed to buy a car, new clothes (after we had to throw his out when I came back), a speeding fine and fuel for his car (he called me from the gas station post top up!) – h was not impressed and did back me up – whether he thinks me right or wrong I am thankful for that.

So of course now s18 is not a happy chappy with me as it was me who said no and got his d to back me up. He has thrown a wobbly and now is moving out, leaving college, moving to his b or d, he is not going to find work out of principal blah blah blah

He will calm down, he is just venting and I know that, just normal teen stuff, I have been surviving the teen crazy for yrs now!

Is it too much to ask for a couple of days off this rollercoaster?!

[job]

Lou,
It never seems to end...does it? I'm sorry your son isn't being cooperative about a job search and repaying you. Given that he's in a snit, he'll runaway for a while and then return home. He needs to learn that people aren't going to take care of him forever and the only way to do that is to be broke and have no funds to spend. I do hope that he'll wise up and come to realize that you have been more than generous in helping him out.

As for your xh, I can't believe he's got money to spend for an airline ticket and yet, cried the blues to you about not having money to send you. Boy, that one takes the cake and either he thinks you are deaf and stupid or he didn't think you would pick up on that little tidbit so quickly. If he does fly out to where you are, I certainly would ask for the money he owes you. He certainly isn't hurting in the wallet as much as he has indicated if he can afford a flight.

I do hope that today will be a better day for you. Gosh, you need to catch a break from all of this crazy stuff.

[LoisB]

Lou,

I had a similar situation with my daughter last winter. I took on a more expensive rent with her assurance she would contribute to the monthly expenses. When I signed the lease she was so excited because the townhouse had this spectacular view and everything we wanted. Anyway, she didn't fulfill her part of the bargain.

After 3 months, she left. I made it clear, if she chose to leave, she wouldn't receive financial help from me. She would be on her own.

Since this time, she has pulled things together for herself and things have settled down for me. In the five months since she left, she has worked two jobs, received a promotion to supervisor, re-enrolled in college, handled financial aid alone, has her classes scheduled, gotten herself an apartment, made some car repairs, even purchased some furniture!

I'm really proud. I'm still disappointed she couldn't see the potential here and follow through, but I'm accepting she had to do things her own way. And, things were very overwhelming here.

I would encourage you, based on my experience, to allow him figure this out on his own. Sometimes, I think, we lose sight of the positives of our situation because of the negative.

While not what I wanted for my daughter, this circumstance has made her stronger and forced her to learn some important life skills.

Just my two cents.

While I'm disappointed she

[LouR]

Thank you so much job and LoisB

After 3 months, she left. I made it clear, if she chose to leave, she wouldn't receive financial help from me. She would be on her own.

Unfortunately this is round 2 for s, he left home last year, set himself up, went to college, got government assistance and a job to top up his funds, then things started to slide and he eventually contacted me while I was overseas - he was living like a tramp, he was getting chest pains and palpitations, his c attendance was suffering and he was not eating as he had no money.

I came back and we got a flat together, I got him back on track and now 3 months later we are back to the beginning again. I know that underneath he is aware that living with me is his cushy option so he needs to sort himself out (because he told me the other day). He was just reacting and stomping his feet toddler style because he wanted to go away and I stopped it. If he wants to move out he can,I am not stopping him, but it does mean I will have to move too as I cant afford rent on my own, plus he was the reason I moved to this part of the country and have ended up working a dia disgusting job. I just got to keep him together for another 5 months, then college will be over and he can go do whatever he wants and I can move to wherever I want to.

As for your xh, I can't believe he's got money to spend for an airline ticket and yet, cried the blues to you about not having money to send you. Boy, that one takes the cake and either he thinks you are deaf and stupid or he didn't think you would pick up on that little tidbit so quickly. If he does fly out to where you are, I certainly would ask for the money he owes you. He certainly isn't hurting in the wallet as much as he has indicated if he can afford a flight.

Yes, well job, as he has already confessed to not having any money and being in debt so I know that the flight would have been put on the cc. He has dug himself a big hole financially, the latest being the purchase of a motorbike - his justification is that it is cheaper to run for work than the ute. I think its more a case of him not thinking at all, not that I am gullible.

What got me is his screwy thought process - to stay with ow as she is convenient, she keeps him financially afloat was his words - he is seriously messed up. In a way ( and its only a teeny weeny bit) I do feel sorry for her, I mean, she has been sucked into his crazy world, he feels nothing for her but she serves a purpose so he sticks with it, a means to an end - how can a guy do that, how can he feel nothing for someone yet carry on, be a user? I just shake my head in dismay. Its what he must have done with me before he gave me the ILYBIANILWY speech - so to see him repeat it again with someone else is an eye opener.

There is one thing for sure - hence the boundary I set about being friends - he is not going to have me as an emotional friend and her as his cook, cleaner, financial aid and bed buddy - that is NOT going to happen. He knows what he has to do for me to be in his life, I reinforced that yesterday, so now the ball is back in his court.

The other thing that hit me yesterday was when he said " I know, its selfish of me" in regards to staying with her because he can't be bothered to do the hard yards and get himself out of his hole - its the same thing he used to say to me about staying at home instead of going to college or getting a part time job - he used to stay "I love you being at home, I know, its selfish of me" - its patterns, its an easy life option.

This past few weeks, with the renewed contact and his confessions, his emotional ups and downs, hearing about the mess he has got himself into and his skewed view of the world has bought home to me that he is soooo lost, I have glimpses of the guy I m in his vulnerable moments, its heartbreaking to know he is still there and is struggling to pull himself free from the world he is in - the conflict and confusion he must be living with must be terrible.
Only he can break free from it, only he can change things - I hope that he is strong enough to find his way through, no matter what happens between us.

Last day off back to work tomorrow. Not sure I will last much longer - the girl before me lasted 10 weeks before she said move me to a different department or I am leaving !! I have managed 4 so far lol. Some customers are just ferral and I am sick of beng treated like the lowest of the low by them. I think I have now cleaned up most things that can come out of a body - yep, in a supermarket

Have a good day everyone, I am so glad I am on this crazy ride with you all as companions, mwah mwah x

[LouR]

Update time:

Work has been full on, this week’s delights from the customers have resulted in me having a tetanus and diphtheria booster injection – the job hunt continues ……..

Next weekend is my last shift at the motel – although I am not sure the owner believes I am actually leaving !

I caught up with some girlfriends for lunch today, it was a really lovely day, although the 2 ½ hr drive home in the rain and dark was not so nice. We have started planning our trip in Feb, set a date and decided on some places to visit. I know it’s still a while away, but it gives me something to look forward to and save for.

Update on h sitch:
He rang me again, spent an hour talking. Too much to write down so will give you the short version.

He and ow are really over, both of them know it, she is less accepting but understands that he doesn’t have any feelings for her. He said he has been sleeping in the spare room for the past couple of months. He has been away with work and they spend little time together so have agreed to meet up this weekend to discuss the moving out arrangements – both of them moving out of their current place. He is selling his Ute to cover the financial expenses and clear his debts.

He spoke about us, what he is feeling, his thoughts and fears. He asked where my head is regarding him and us since we last talked. We both agree that we are concerned that one of us may get hurt if this goes further than friendship for one of us and not for both of us and is it a gamble we want to take? Do we want to potentially ruin what we do have now …..

End result is that until he has completely left ow and got his own place our contact will remain as occasional texts and emails – as set by my boundary. Once in his own place we have agreed he will take some time to develop his own life as I have an independent life and he hasn’t and its important that both of us have that. We will start slowly with developing a friendship, getting to know each other again, with the possibility (and it really is only a possible at this stage) of this moving into a relationship. We jointly have agreed that we will no longer date other people (he does not know I have not dated at all, and he said he has no interest in dating anyone else).

I change nothing – the no dating rule …ha ha, easy one to achieve. I don’t live anywhere near him so my independent life carries on as usual. If he wants this, then he will make it happen ….. the most important question right now is: Do I Want This - What Do I Want

The rollercoaster ride continues ....

[NLW]

Lou,
OMG... my mind boggles in respect of your customers. How do they do whatever it is they do????

Anyway... on a more serious note, I am always a little stunned to hear of the matter-of-fact way in which mlc-ers appear to make their returns.

For a long while I dreamed of the day that my previously loving H would come to his senses and re-approach me for a reconciliation. I would have screamed from the rooftops and exploded with joy, imagining it as some sort of miraculous moment.

But when you hear about it, it all seems to happen in a much more matter-of-fact way.

Thinking about things, it seems like a much more hopeful circumstance - that you can both discuss your concerns without getting all carried away with the high emotions that have characterised the journey to date.

Anyway, Lou, you just sound so in charge of your own life now.

I'm very glad for you. And that trip in Feb sounds like great fun!

[123Gwen]

Lou- Have to say that I have so much admiration for you. All along this journey you have been determined and graceful. Even now you are navigating this situation with a calm and measured approach to things.

I am glad you are doing what is best for you and keeping boundaries with H. It sure sounds like he is starting to reflect on things but then again who knows what is in their head. Reread DBusting and stay the course.

Sending you good vibes.

[BrightFuture]

So, the grass is truly not greener on the other side, LOL. Very interesting turn of events… I would be asking myself the same question about “what do I want”. Lou, you are doing great, keeping everything in prospective. You go, girl! He will need to win you back!