Ripken - WW filed for Divorce and I moved Out #5

[Ripken8]

Zephyr,

Your words couldn't have been more timely. Apparently my ww went on a HUGE FB rant last Saturday (when I wasn't in town) about how pissed she was and how people shouldn't F with her, etc. From talking with her sister, that rant was about me! Having no contact with her, she "was told by people" that I had been going out and she didn't like that. Not sure if it was financially or if it was the thought of me moving on to someone else or both.

I have been wondering for weeks if she was having a hard time with things or missed me or still cared about me, etc. While I still have no idea, I have always believed that when someone gets so upset without being provoked, they still must have feelings or care.It's hard to be hurt by someone you are indifferent towards.

I am going to feel my ww out after we tell the kids tonight. I plan on asking her if there's something she needs from me, like cleaning out my things from the house or talking about finances. I realize this may go against what others have said, but my thought is she is hurting. I AM NOT TRYING TO FIX HER or make everything better. But, to not offer to relieve some stress from someone who is clearly hurting (even if self-inflicted) is not me. It feels like spite, anger and hurt that I need to hold onto to stay in that mindset and again, that's not me. I have to at least offer and let her know if she wants my help with things, she needs to communicate with me and not shut me out.

Once done, the ball is in her court an she can decide from there. But, to just ignore it and not offer any type of help, goes against the person I am and want to be.

[Sotto]

IMHO, I would ignore it - as long as the kids are okay...

[Ripken8]

Toot - I understand and get why. However, I'm concerned that she is already of the opinion that I can be manipulative, have ulterior motives and/or never forgive or care about her again. How would the offer to help with things I'd prob need to do anyway and let her know she would have to communicate with me more on those things and not shut me out NOT be keeping the road home paved smoothly?

[Sotto]

I just think doing less would do more in this instance. I don't see that not doing anything is manipulative, or that you would be seen as having an ulterior motive. I think this is more about your need to temp check your W because she has had a bit of a meltdown. And you are keen to see what that means. I think you are wading in with your fixit hat on.

IMHO, I would only offer support if you are concerned about the kids. Otherwise, I would act as though you didn't even get the feedback from SIL. Let your W spin a little. And if she wants to talk about anything to you, you can listen and validate.

JMHO, and I'm no vet....but others may chime in for you. Good luck with whatever you decide :-)

[Bob723]

I have been wondering for weeks if she was having a hard time with things or missed me or still cared about me, etc. While I still have no idea, I have always believed that when someone gets so upset without being provoked, they still must have feelings or care. It's hard to be hurt by someone you are indifferent towards.

Hi Ripken,

That is a great point you mentioned above, especially the part I placed in bold.

I really feel we are in the same sitch - wanting to do the right thing yet walking a tight rope so it doens't seem like we are trying to "fix" our W or manipulate her.

I'm not sure what to advise right now, but please don't give up.

Bob

[Bob723]

Rip, Toots posted just before mine. I like her point of view.

Bob

[Ripken8]

I guess the reason why is because I told her when I was moving out she needed my help, to ask me. She did ask and we both never communicated much after that. I did do what she asked, but she felt I didn't communicate with her and honestly with everything going on, I may not have.

So she does say she's felt like she's just stuck with things (most rightfully so), but I still need to pick up some of my things there, throw away things I don't want and that will also help her from having to do it. It's really kinda my mess anyway.

The more I think of it, the more I will use action and ask when a good time would be for me to do those things, rather than ask what she would want.

I have to do it anyway.

[Zues126]

Ripken- I don't have it in me for a long post, but I agree with Toots here.

Look- your WW is going to behave like a 4 year old/addict. Not just any, one that blames YOU for their problems. All of them. No matter how unreasonable.

I COMPLETELY agree with doing what you think is right for YOU. I felt the same, and got the support of a DB coach, IC, and L to make sure I had a panel of experts advising me what it fair. Then I erred on the side of being slightly unfair in her favor. I did this so I knew in my heart her spew was unreasonable, and that I was being more than generous.

But there's no limit to her spew. If you try to do the right things more and more, not only won't she ever say 'thank you', she'll go to even further lengths to make you the bad guy. She's already MADE UP HER MIND you're the bad guy, no matter what, you can't change that. Oh, and the bigger piece is you'll show her she can CONTROL you that way, because when she spews she'll know you want to do more for her to prove her wrong.

Does that sound like how to handle a manipulative child/addict? Trying to placate them, and prove you're reasonable?

Heck, no. Do what you must for you. But if it's not necessary, don't do it, trying to be nice guy is gas on the fire IMHO. In some ways if you want to take the high road, you have to let her think she's got the high road. It's all backwards, but that's more noble than trying to be the nice guy and then being resentful at her, while she's resenting you all the more for making her out to be the bad guy. It's crazy world buddy. Your only salvation is to run don't walk to detachmentville.

[Just noticed your last post, you're right, if you need to do it just do it, less is more, and don't even let her think it was because it was what she wanted]

[Ripken8]

Zeus. Yes. I don't want to be a doormat or feel like she can control me. I do falter with wanting to help because I still care about her well being. Not necessarily still long for the relationship, but if some I care for is hurting and I can help, I feel obligated to do so.

I realize the extreme instance in my case. I cannot help her. She has fired me and I have to move on. Back to mourning the wife I loved, who more than likely will never return.

[Zues126]

Well said. Fired is exactly right. If you liked your boss, but then they fired you, and then later told you that production was down...would you pitch in on the weekends for free because you cared about them, they are hurting, and you can help?

Of course not. You'd care enough that you'd be willing to entertain taking the job again if you knew that you could rectify the historic issues so it could be mutually beneficial. This analogy is good for their 'temperature checks' and 'cake eating' too, because how many times do they say things to lead LBS's to believe they are reconsidering in an attempt to manipulate? Kind of like an employer saying "come work for free for a while and maybe we'll put you back on the payroll if you do a good job". I can't type the kind of response that deserves!

Take care Rip.