That's a tough call Heavy. I'd say stick to your guns and hold your ground. Being friends in this case is more than it sounds. Being friendly is showing your W that you have respect for her and the kids, but more importantly that you have respect for yourself.
Having respect for yourself often comes with a price and in this case it's going through what you are solo. Don't cave on that. She's allowed to be whatever she wants over the fact that you have a L. That doesn't mean you have to do anything about that. If having a L is best for you, then have it and let her deal with that fact however she needs to.
Stay strong.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
No changes from last Monday's demand that I fire my lawyer.
This is very vey hard as summer school has started and I get the feeling now that everything will be a battle - summer school camps, middle school choices, just about everything that involves the children.
Should I just cave in and bring out the white flag and say You win, we get the divorce, I will be your bes friend, we raise the kids together and you do you thing and I do mine. I mean that's what we will be doing anyway after the D right? Feeling like my idea of going this alone is not so smart and maybe it is hurting the kids? IDK, feelings come and go and I am never 100% sure that I am doing the right thing.
Moralistically and emotionally, I am doing what is right for me. But... I don't want to compromise for what is in the best interests of the kids.
Heavy .... your W seems to have some control issues, "how dare you get a L protect yourself while I have an A and chase MY 'happiness'. "
My short response ... Pffffbbttttt. Tough Poo
Remember ... she chose this, its her crisis, her rollercoaster and she is pissed you are not staying on the ride from he##.
I would not change what you are doing, rolling over and giving up only will create more of a monster than what you are dealing with here. When we set a boundary and let them bulldoze over it they continue to do that with EVERYTHING till A.) there is nothing left of B.) We stand up and simply say NO, this is MY life , I am taking charge of it regardless of your Crazy-ville antics.
The later is much more attractive, MLC'rs are teens, they NEED boundaries and structure .... she will kick and scream, huff and puff .... to bad, sorry the D is not going your way, life is so unfair .... blechk
Now is this really about her... or are you reacting from a guilt place concerning the kids and what its doing to them ... again .. out of your control. From what I understood, your kids have been going to this camp for some time and now all the sudden its not good??? Careful here ... what we do not talk much about are the kids, sure they are victims .. but they are also VERY SMART and see whats going on ... we can increase our positions by guilting Mom and Mom ... my kid worked it for a bit as I was so focused in on W ... lil dude tried to take me to the cleaners too.
Boundaries for your W and kids might be needed here.
As far as changing tactics .. don't you dare ... you have fought hard to get here .. stay the course, let W pout all she wants, this is what D looks like , its not about her getting everything she wants regardless of the ninja mind tricks she pulls on you.
Hey Heavy - I agree with Cali - don't change - you are on the right path.
I get being overwhelmed with the kids and second guessing whether it is all possible. It is all possible. ------ My thoughts (others may disagree), but I feel like as parents, sometimes we overcompensate with the shear amount of activities when sometimes all that is needed is love. Please try to enjoy down time with them too and teach them to value and enjoy downtime. Not necessarily lazy nothing time, but loving down time. (though lazy nothing time can be a joy too). When they learn the value in that it is sometimes therapeutic for everyone. It seems that kids that do not value downtime crave constant attention, constant entertainment, and instant gratification. just my thoughts
You are doing great - I sometimes feel that I should give up and give W everything she wants - it would just be simpler - but then Bahhhhhh why would I want that?
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
it just feels like it would be so much easier to just give in to what she wants. I swear things would be easier and more bearable.
Yes, this is the same camp that they have always gone to and now all of a sudden the kids start whining about how they hate it and the W says - See you don't listen to anyone - you call all the shots! So, yeah, maybe some manipulation by STBXW.
I keep on this path and it gets me to 1 thing - D. If I get of the path, I guess I will get 1 thing too D. So there is nothing left to do but continue on the Batan Death March.
So Caliguy - what do I stand to gain if I hold this ground? What do I stand to lose if I surrender it for the greater good? I will gain self respect, self reliance, etc... I will lose family stability, my life as I used to know it.
This is clearly a no win situaion. This is the worst feeling in the world friends.
I know my STBX - she will not back down. She has even told me that even if the OW walked away tomorrow, the D will still be on becuase the last 9 months have shown her what a controlling freak I really am and how she can't stand me. Yawn.
Ok ... lets look at this here, in the safety of a place where no one is judging you at all....here.
Are you in this instance being controlling>? I do recall we had something that I called you out about where it seemed more about winning than the actual issue ..... Does your W have a legit point here ... HONESTLY? Is this something you can work on .. not so much for your M, but for you .. maybe the new relationship regardless of who that is. Mirror work here Heavy .. this is where true growth stems from.
My W ... yeah ... big time control freak and manipulator ... evidently my hints and nudges about this went unnoticed over the years, but from the intel I gathered OM had issues with this so now W is 'working on it' .... Thanks OM ... lol.
Sure you could give in here, if its for the kids, or if there is a logical reason and it makes sense ... if you have dug in on this issue just because you have seemingly given ground everywhere else ... well we both know that's not a reason to 'win' here.
I only say hold ground on your boundaries .. on what is important to YOU .. regardless of the games your W and kids may play or how they twist this. W may toss the "you call all the shots" line at you just because its a button ..... my W did though I truth darted her pretty badly one night and showed her how in our M it was always her way.
For me it was a bigger issue, Conflict/Avoiders and Fixers such as myself at times have to hold ground on silly things .. like where we will meet for drop-offs just to regain some respect. (At one point W thought I should take S to her place on her pick up nights as its to far .... I moved 7 blocks away from our house ... she moved 25 minutes away)
Lets think this out ... could be a good 180 .. but not if it sacrifices what is better for the kids, nor your boundaries as she will no doubt press for more.
Oh Caliguy I am not sure I understand what you are saying.
I do not mean to be dense but are you saying I should be more friends for the "new relationship" between W and myself for the benefit of the kids? Again, she wants to be "best friends" "nothing will change and I am I will only co parent with you. Maybe co parent with her will mean we have to communicate more? The moe I try and communicate with her, the more she shoots me down and I guess I just have to get over this. Is that what you are saying? Based on our last convo where she is spewing spittle and saying "You don't get this do you!"
For example - it feels like I am all alone in this - if I get sick, if there is a car problem, if one of the kids gets sick, so many things to go wrong here. So in that sense, I have to be the the one that plays happy here for the greater good of the kids. I guess that is my answer.
You are in agreement that I need to bend on this friendship issue as long as it benefits the kids. That is what I am taking you both to mean here. That makes me sad but of course if it helps the kids, then I will do it. I am not in this to win but to minimize the damange to me AND KIDS.
Yes, W and I are basically in NC at this point. I can do nothing, say nothing, or even breathe right by her, so I just avoid her. I am too emotionally fraught as it is. I don't need any more stress in my life.
What I basically said about Cali's recent post is that he has asked some really good questions for you to reflect and ponder over. We are all here for personal growth in recognizing some of our patterns that we sometimes aren't fully aware of at times.
As I have said previously, continue on the path you've been on for the past several weeks/months which is polite, cordial, and respectful. That HAS been working. Your W's spews are in reaction to her own loss of control over the D process. It is all on her. NOT YOU.
Continue ahead with the course you've been on and do not deviate from it. It is working...contrary to some sporadic spews and some twisting of words from W.
