Hey there T2, Thanks for your input. I have one small problem, however. We are not allowed incoming calls. We can only call out after the first week of treatment. So, I would have no contact whatsoever with him for a week. Then, I could call him if I decided to call him.
I think I have to seriously give this some thought, set up a schedule for contact, and stick to it.
Perhaps one call a week to H after I am able to call out?
Or do the majority of you think no contact whatsoever?
Quote: I have gone a week without contacting him. He usually contacts me if I go three or four days without contacting him.
Then once a week would be good. Have you thought to ask him if he needs you to call? Maybe just say that you want to do it out of courtesy and respect to let him know you are OK, and does he want that?
I don't think asking him is a good idea...only because if I do things he accepts them...but if I ask he immediately says no. I don't think he always wants to say no, but feels like he has to say no to keep the wall up between us.
In this specific instance I am going to go against what are the normal 'rules' of the last resort technique and going dark. Let's be perfectly clear here, the time you are going to be in treatment, and the possible time in jail are going to be tough. No easy way to say it.
For this reason alone, I would suggest that we have to look out more for your physical and mental well being than the relationship with your hubby right now. I would make those calls to him regardless of whether you tell him now or not. (I probably would tell him though) He doesn't strike me as an ogre.
I still believe there is compassion on his part, and a desire to see you succeed. Just like all of us out here who have come to know you and your sitch.
Unfortunately, recently you've made it more difficult for him to love you. You are taking bold steps to get back to being the woman he fell in love with at the beginning. He will see and respect those efforts.
I think that you may have more trouble allowing yourself to be loved, than he giving it to you. Only you know the answer to that one.
I think that I have had a hard time allowing him to love me in the past. I now really want him to love me, but he's not ready for that. He's been hurt and doesn't trust me. I have a lot of work to do to earn his respect and trust again. I don't know if he is even willing to let me try and earn it. We have not spoken about the D situation since I emailed him a list of my wants. He was not happy and made a comment to the effect of "all I will end up with is a house, house payments, and a chair." Since that day, after he found out the house did not appraise as high as he wanted, he has not spoken about the D. He has not indicated in any way that he wants to work on things, at least not out right verbally.
I guess when I go to treatment, I will call him at least once. If he is nice, then I will call again. If he is not nice, then I will protect myself and my peace of mind and not call him for the remainder of my treatment. He does not want to be involved in my treatment in any way. He has made that clear to me.
So, there we have it. That's my decision folks, what do you all think?
Dazed, thanks for your input and kind words. It's so nice to know there are folks that do really care about me...even if they are folks I may never meet face to face.
I like your plan and it was something I was thinking about--if you called him and he was grumpy (and that could be because of a bad day, not you), what type of impact would that have on you? Would a bad phone call do more damage than none at all?
But if you go at it with the mindset that this is an experiment I'm going to do, I'm going to call him and be real excited about everything I'm learning and the new person I'm becoming, and if he doesn't respond well, then I won't call again, I think that is a real healthy plan.
Kudos to you for all you are doing. Will you have internet service while you gone or will we be missing you too?
--if you called him and he was grumpy (and that could be because of a bad day, not you), what type of impact would that have on you? Would a bad phone call do more damage than none at all?
Jackie, I guess I am going to have to go with the mindset of this will be an experiment. I won't call him the first week, because I am not allowed to call anyone for a week.
I think I will wait until halfway through the second week to call him. I hope that is enough time for him to be at least curious as to how I am doing.
I have to call again today to find out when I can go in to treatment. They are waiting for a bed to open up for me.
I will not have internet access and will miss everyone here terribly!
Akgal
PS Thanks, Jackie, your support is so important to me! It helps a lot.
Well, then print out this these posts before you go so you can reread.
AKGal, we will miss you. We are thinking about you and wishing you the best. We know you will be strong and come out of this a better person. It will be hard at times, but just know that there are plenty of people that care. Not just the ones who post, but the multiples of lurkers as well.
