Good job with your daughter. I think you did a fabulous job navigating that. Believe me, it will come in handy in a few years!
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My parents have been completely absent. Here I am with all this work and anxiety on my plate, and they have been completely disengaged.
Okay, from what you've posted here about them and your R with them, I have to ask why you keep expecting things to be different? It's like expecting a cat to bark because you keep wishing your cat was a dog.
I'm not making excuses for your parents and how they parented you. I wouldn't be close to my parents if I were in your shoes, either. BUT... in the interest of creating some peace in that dynamic, have you ever considered reminding yourself that they're doing the best job they can? Granted, it falls short of the bar you've set for your own relationships, but consider how they have been parented and how they have been unwilling to dig a little deeper to see what's there? Some acceptance of who they are might just go a long way for you?
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and my mom's general attitude is that she doesn't want to come visit me because I don't say, "Yes, Mom, it would be WONDERFUL to have you come visit." She doesn't seem to understand how difficult it is for me to muster up that kind of enthusiasm about anything.
Um, Maybell, can I tell you that this is a complete double standard? You're expecting HER to understand you without actually extending the same to her. You're a tough nut to crack, dear. Think about how she might perceive you? Maybe pray for a little softening of the heart so you can meet her where she is? After all, you'd be willing to do this if this was you and your D12, right?
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hey are ZERO help, except in passing on the second-hand advice they've gotten from their new friends in their retirement neighborhood (which tells me they've been gossiping about my situation).
And how is it different that you talk about D12's struggles here? Parent just care about their kids, MB. It goes with the territory, no matter how old you are.
Like I said, you can't change them. But you can change how you approach them. From the distance, I see a variation of a Mexican standoff. You want something from them which 1) I'm not sure you have asked them directly for it; or 2) you don't share how you feel with them when things affect you; hence, they couldn't change even if they were willing because they just don't know what you want or feel. You can't do things the same way and expect different results, and it's unfair to all of you to keep that expectation in the forefront.
Just put yourself in D12's shoes and maybe you'll come up with some sort of creative idea on how to be at peace with your R with them. Just sayin'.
One last thing - you touched on this in this post. It's the part about holding on to the anger to mask your grief. MB, I think it's beyond time to allow yourself to identify with what you feel and coming to grips about it. It doesn't mean you have to blather all over the place in front of your kids, but work toward some level of authenticity in private. It takes courage to admit what you did, so let mother nature guide you. Pray and meditate through your feelings. It's time to let go of this righteous anger, sweetie. It no longer serves a purpose.
Hugs, Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
