I have been doing some reading, soul searching .. even a little journey back in my sitch looking at how far I have come, but more importantly sitting down and pushing myself on how much further I still need to go.
Yesterday I received a call from my church. Was John, he is in charge of the RCIA groups, who I know on a small level. Anyways he was not there our last meeting, where we received our Certificates and I gave my Faith Story. He said that several people recommend me .... for what I asked ... well Every years Father G likes for someone who has gone through the process to give their story in front of the entire church during mass. Only what ... 400-500 people or so. I was humbled ... I think the RCIA group was at about 80 or so this year, sure the nervousness is there. But I have been asking in my prayers to be shown how I can give back ... guess this is a very loud answer. If my story can help someone else, I am more than happy to share. I meet up with them Wednesday to go over what I will share.
Went to go for my "God-Walk" as I call it .. I do this twice a day at work, 10 minutes I walk around the facility and have a nice one on one with God, for the past year or so you can imagine how those talks have gone from "Fix my wife ... to fix me .. to Thank you, help me continue to improve" Just as I leave my phone rings ... 'Retrovouille" ... they received the check and as per their process they conduct a quick interview with both spouses, I found this to be interesting. Logistics at first then some questions/almost boundaries ... No third parties involved (OPs ... sorry you are not allowed any longer) Willingness to work on the M, attend all 7 sessions. I ofcourse have no issue with this .. nor do I think at this point the W does ... just nice to hear someone else reaffirm some of the boundaries I know we need. They said they would call W and do the same thing, then give us the location where we will stay next weekend. W has not said anything as of yet but wants me to meet her and S for lunch.
I called my good friend, he knows all about my sitch .. we talk about once a month or so. Just to confirm he has my gig that Friday covered ... and to thank him for the $$ he paid me for the speakers I tried to give him. We also talked about my sitch, faith, his sitch ... he had a WW and they D'd ... even though his faith is very strong, he admits he is still bitter towards his XW, I simply pointed out that I have known him 20+ years, honestly he is so much happier, his family is all built around their faith, he can be himself, his W accepts and loves him for who is is and the struggles (drugs/alcohol .. but 15 years sober) he has overcome ... rather than holding on to the bitterness .. he could just as easily thank XW for leading him down this path he is currently on ... a lightbulb moment for him, and it was really nice being able to help him see something differently. Maybe he can let go of that hurt ... just a little.
That being said I feel good, I know I cycle a bit .. struggle with detaching, but as of late I feel strong and know what I need out of life ... either way I am good .. I really am, at peace more than anything.
Hi sweetie. I see my bud, Mach, has stopped by. I have been following along. .
You know, Luke, I liked this post. It wasnt about your wife so much and more about you, ya know?
I especially liked this part:
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
rather than holding on to the bitterness .. he could just as easily thank XW for leading him down this path he is currently on ... a lightbulb moment for him, and it was really nice being able to help him see something differently. Maybe he can let go of that hurt ... just a little.
Hi Cali, I enjoy reading your posts. I think the peace you now feel is evident in what you write and it is good to see the transition is possible from - help fix my M!! - to 'thank you for this opportunity.' I'm not there yet by any means, but it is good to see glimmers of that ahead.
So Retrouvaille just around the corner for you guys. I'm pleased that things are headed in a generally positive direction with your W, and I'll be interested to hear how everything goes. Nice to get someone else confirming boundaries for you!!
It's lovely that you have been asked to speak at church. Great that you have grown so much through this difficult experience, and have found new meaning in your life. I'm reading Man's search for meaning by Frankl (Holocaust survivor) just now. In this he says that 'forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess, except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation....you can always control what you will feel and do about what happens to you.'
I think you are someone who (like many of us here) has been given lemons and has chosen to make lemonade (or maybe a smoothie??) Have a good weekend!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi sweetie. I see my bud, Mach, has stopped by. I have been following along. smile.
You know, Luke, I liked this post. It wasnt about your wife so much and more about you, ya know?
I especially liked this part:
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
rather than holding on to the bitterness .. he could just as easily thank XW for leading him down this path he is currently on ... a lightbulb moment for him, and it was really nice being able to help him see something differently. Maybe he can let go of that hurt ... just a little.
Nice job there..^^^^.
Agreed. Perhaps it's good advice for everyone to everyday, "let go of the hurt", right? Maybe just a little each day...
After a while, you may wonder where it went or why you spent so much time with something you cannot control anyway
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I agree AJ ... letting go of that hurt a little at a time... I think its the only way.
Bit of an update.
Fridaynight worked as usual. W TM during saying the dog was acting up ... not surprising as he had surgery (nothing major) and was most likely out of it from the drugs. She told me she could not handle him, I let her know I would pick him up as soon as I got off work (That's not till 2:30 a.m.) So I ride home, grab the car and let myself into her place to take the dog home, she wakes and tells me to just take him out .. walk him .. and stay there. I was tired so I went ahead and took him out came back in and was really on the fence about just going home or staying .. she asked me again to stay. I had to move S who was sleeping in 'our' bed ... put him in his and got into bed with W. In a way this has been more of a power move by me, one with the issues I am trying to overcome with the A/OM and that bed .. but the other is me not sleeping on the couch nor S's bed ... W has not said anything about it. One of the mistakes I felt we made in our M was putting S between us, and we never spent time together .... something that will need to be fixed in the new M if we are to work things out.
Woke up early Saturday, W took the dog for a walk and I got up and sat with S for a bit .. W returned and was concerned I did not sleep enough. She offered breakfast but I declined, took the dog home with me and did some cleaning as W had a phone call with her Dr that morning she needed to take. W called a bit after and asked if we could celebrate Fathers Day together as her and I will be doing Retrouville next weekend, I told her that would be nice. We went to the Mission in San Juan Capistrano, was beautiful. Spent a few hours there and caught Mass ... drove back in some brutal traffic on the way S asked if he could stay with me that night ... I think W is really noticing that S gravitates towards me and its starting to bother her, I have been good about not getting involved in the R between them .. thats all on them. S and I watched some movies, relaxed a bit ... woke up Sunday .. made breakfast for S and I, went to my football game. Was fun getting out there with the guys, S enjoys watching. Went out for lunch after then back home and I let S play his video games while I snuck in a nap.
Did not hear from W much, she did call after her class ... seemed more of a touch-base to let me know what she is doing and testing to see if I am upset with her...detachment to a point has helped me tremendously, she could be with OM, or a OM2, its not that I wouldn't care, its more that I am not going to live my life in fear of that ... if that's what she wants she can have it ... she is doing her thing, the never ending quest for happiness is still alive and well with her MLC crisis ... out of work but she is focused on photography and starting her own business. Its just an observation, I am not sure if she is really going for this or if its just another 'fix' .... either way it really does not matter that much for me but I am noticing she will talk as if we are married, I just STFU and listen.
Work looks to be busy this week, S is with W all week till she takes him north to be with BIL as we go to Retrouville. If anything maybe it will give me direction. I though about my sitch a little last night ... its hard for a relationship of 24 years to get that 'spark' back .. I see how a new R would provide that excitement so easily... understanding the drug effect an A would have, I am still slowly processing and getting over the pain of the A though I rarely bring it up. Baby steps as with all things .... I have just come to the conclusion it will take me a long time ... and I think like many you never really heal fully from it .. but the pain and hurt will not control my life like it once seemed to.
Cali - I am keeping up with your posts and watching how you are dealing with all of these changes that are happening in your life. I don't comment often as I am not in a position to offer advice - however I do want to offer my support to you.
What interests me is the way you seem to be able to remain detached and carry on with your life as usual whilst still allowing your w to spin gently in the corner sorting herself out. This is something I am having to learn to do myself and I find it really difficult to not jump ahead at times and let my imagination of the "could be" take centre stage in my head.
My observation though is that your barrier is well and truly still up - a totally natural instinct - do you feel that it is beginning to lower? What will it take from your w to convince you she is committed to you and only you and that she is committed to making your m work?
I definitely need a few of your smoothies, its an area I am particularly useless in, I am a naturally chatty person and now being more independent and head strong I tend to fight my corner - something my h has noticed in our latest conversations lol. This is who I am now, like it or leave me alone kinda thing .... Like I say, I need a few smoothies, cocktails or some duct tape
Good luck for retrouvaille, I hope you both get something out of it, its not something we have in my country so a bit of an alien concept to me! If it helps you communicate better with each other in whatever capacity - friends, lovers, parents, then its got to be a good thing right?
I think the detachment area ... I could be better at honestly, through out this whole crisis I admittedly struggled with it and at times continue to do so .. not detached enough got me reeled in during the touch n gos ... so now I am still guarded knowing W is not all in, heck nor am I, she continues to test, as recent as yesterday calling out of the blue consistently asking if I was 'ok' to which I have replied "Im Good" each time ... she is not allowed 'in' just yet as I know its another temp check.
As far as the barrier ... no you are spot on... its not lower, I have many questions/concerns/hurts that I am dealing with... and I still have no answer to "What does reconciliation look like". I think the difference is I can withstand the temp checks better without being sucked in nor without them effecting my moods ... I find it hard to be myself around her completely ... she does not get to see that charming side of me that I know is one of my better features.
I think recently I have stopped pressing because I see she is discovering who she is now... with W losing her job the process of her really trying to find herself is evident, she is still lost and looking for direction. And like MLCrs looking for my approval in alot of these things. I am just staying calm, continuing my personal journey as I still have more growth to accomplish regardless of the M. I can not tell her who to be, nor would I ... she must figure that out on her own... then maybe given all that information I can look and see if she is someone I will even want to be with. There are still bouts of selfishness with her that currently I just do not care for nor would I want in a M .... time will tell where this all goes ... regardless I know who I am and who I still am striving to become.
Some things for me this week ... writing out my faith story for the church. I also thought ... read it somewhere .. that I would write a letter to W and to OM ... hoping to let go of a few pounds of hurt with that process ... just write out my inner most guts .. print it .. and set it on fire ... just to try to release a few of the nagging things I still struggle with. (Note to newbies ... do not snoop, 80% of these issues were from snooping .. I was better off not knowing) Later this week take a trip to see a buddy ... GAL Clean my car and Bike .. Summer is here and its time to enjoy this Cali Sunshine.
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