Heartbroken and Despondent?

[DifRent]

Happy Monday. Another week, another round of slogging through all this mess.

Last night, I went around the living room turning off the lights on my way to bed. She was laying on the couch, her head positioned near one of the lights I was turning off. She grabbed my hand, pulled it to her cheek, and kissed it. I squeezed it back and said, "goodnight babe... wherever you are hiding in there." She said, "What do you mean?" I just smiled and went to bed.

I don't know what happened yesterday to incite this little thaw in our recently very cold interactions. Of course, none of this changes anything with regard to our separation plans. But lest she think I am going to be more available to her, I made sure to leave the house this morning and go to the open work space. I feel good that I've been confirmed to start working my new job in mid-July, and I have a few freelance projects to work on till then.

But today is an anniversary, of sorts. The anniversary of our first kiss (dates, unfortunately at times like this, stick in my mind), and it was such a lovely day - back when I was her dopamine high. It makes me ache for what was, so after I post this, I will focus on work, at least the rest of the morning.

This afternoon, we are due to look at land together (I know, against the good advice of some people on this board.) But, looking at property together is also one of those things we used to do and enjoy doing - my DB coach recommends we try to do a few of those things whenever we can as an opportunity to engender good, warm feelings... a good memory in the midst of her madness, if we can keep from fighting, that could serve a greater good down the line.

Until then, I just have to remind myself: she says she loves the OW, but she doesn't. The OW says she loves my WW, but she doesn't, either. They are in a fantasy land. I am the real thing. And it will take a long time for her to realize this, if she ever does. I just need to be true to me.

Wishing everyone a peaceful day.