Thank you, Matt. Wish you were in the neighborhood so we could commiserate in person.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Happy Monday. Another week, another round of slogging through all this mess.
Last night, I went around the living room turning off the lights on my way to bed. She was laying on the couch, her head positioned near one of the lights I was turning off. She grabbed my hand, pulled it to her cheek, and kissed it. I squeezed it back and said, "goodnight babe... wherever you are hiding in there." She said, "What do you mean?" I just smiled and went to bed.
I don't know what happened yesterday to incite this little thaw in our recently very cold interactions. Of course, none of this changes anything with regard to our separation plans. But lest she think I am going to be more available to her, I made sure to leave the house this morning and go to the open work space. I feel good that I've been confirmed to start working my new job in mid-July, and I have a few freelance projects to work on till then.
But today is an anniversary, of sorts. The anniversary of our first kiss (dates, unfortunately at times like this, stick in my mind), and it was such a lovely day - back when I was her dopamine high. It makes me ache for what was, so after I post this, I will focus on work, at least the rest of the morning.
This afternoon, we are due to look at land together (I know, against the good advice of some people on this board.) But, looking at property together is also one of those things we used to do and enjoy doing - my DB coach recommends we try to do a few of those things whenever we can as an opportunity to engender good, warm feelings... a good memory in the midst of her madness, if we can keep from fighting, that could serve a greater good down the line.
Until then, I just have to remind myself: she says she loves the OW, but she doesn't. The OW says she loves my WW, but she doesn't, either. They are in a fantasy land. I am the real thing. And it will take a long time for her to realize this, if she ever does. I just need to be true to me.
Wishing everyone a peaceful day.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Clearly, I did not drink enough STFU tonic before heading out this afternoon with my WW. Or maybe we were just out together too long. I'm not sure. Because for a good hour, I was a calm, steady rock.
But she crossed one of my boundaries again... by calling the OW in my presence, in the car, where I can't escape. Ostensibly it was about real estate business, but it doesn't matter what it's about.
I called her on it, and she said, "I'm trying to make a living, and this is a $3000 deal for me, okay?" I actually did STFU after that, but at some point, we both cracked.
I suggested, as we were looking for land, that she move out as quickly as possible, and I rent out the two upstairs bedrooms in order to pay the mortgage until I find just the right land. She thought it was a "brilliant" idea, and then, stupid me, I just couldn't help myself.
I said, "Yeah well, since all the issues surrounding your leaving me had to do with finances, look how quickly I fixed them? Got a good job, have a plan to pay the mortgage, and then some... I mean, if you wouldn't have gone off the rails like you did, you wouldn't have a thing to worry about financially. But instead, you are taking a course to become a minimum wage physical trainer for five hours a day ON TOP of your relentless real estate career and affair, and moving into a rat hole in the worst part of town."
Sigh. As you can imagine, this did not go over very well.
"Off the rails? Because I am trying to pay the bills? Because I don't love you anymore? Because I have a new girlfriend? You can't make me come back to you."
"Seriously? I don't want to come back to the woman you are right now."
"Well good, because I have changed, and this is who I am. Get used to it. And you had a lot to do with it."
"Excuse me? I will not take the blame for this insanity."
"Fine. Don't take the blame. But if you'd only gotten a job sooner..."
It all comes down to that. Money. Whew.
Anyway, not proud of how I handled myself for a few minutes this afternoon, but if I can't be honest here in the forums, where can I be? I guess I am just looking for reaffirmation that I AM NOT TO BELIEVE ANYTHING SHE SAYS.
And gentle reminders that going forward, I just need to STFU.
She's off to spend the evening with the OW. "I'll be late tonight, okay?"
She always asks if it's okay.
I just said, "God bless you."
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I usually start my mornings (when I get out of bed, that is) on the back porch. Headed out here this morning only to find her here - unusual.
She was all sweet, "Good morning, hon, how did you sleep?"
Kept my answer short and simple, and got to work on my first editing assignment of the day. She just sat there, looking off into the distance, which isn't like her at all these days, either. She's so overstimulated, needs her phone or iPad or computer to fill her mind.
She said, "I just wanted to come out here to think this morning, and enjoy the weather. Usually I go right upstairs to work. Just felt like I needed this." I nodded, said nothing else.
Going to be gone most of the day today anyway, so this should help avoid stupid interactions. It's so much easier not to believe anything she says when I don't hear her talking.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I am taking all the energy I would have put toward talking and fighting and directing it toward prayer. I have other people who care about her doing the same. Even praying novenas, like a good Catholic should. Of course, I'm also praying that I will be more charitable, more genuinely loving, detached, and effective at DBing and GALing and all those things.
I thank you Wonka and everyone else for your continued support in this forum.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
It happens, we all speak out when these emotions get the best of us. Keep learning and growing from each interaction until you are an expert in controlling your own reactions. You're doing great considering the circumstances so don't discount that.
We could easily react and tell our WAS's off with our true emotions every chance we get, but we understand that's going down another cheeseless tunnel. Keep moving forward
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I am taking all the energy I would have put toward talking and fighting and directing it toward prayer. I have other people who care about her doing the same. Even praying novenas, like a good Catholic should. Of course, I'm also praying that I will be more charitable, more genuinely loving, detached, and effective at DBing and GALing and all those things.
I thank you Wonka and everyone else for your continued support in this forum.
Dif
Sometimes you have to just give them to God and allow Him to work on them for a bit, I truly believe that. I have said here before without going through this I know for certain my faith would not be where it is, and I would not have become the stronger individual I am .... just as I trust He has plans for my W, we know He also has plans for yours. He does not want us to suffer, trust in this, sometimes it hurts to grow, but its worth it.
