My kids are what's best for me right now. They give me the love I crave, with out any stress. I guess I concentrate on them right now and let W worry about her problems.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
My kids are what's best for me right now. They give me the love I crave, with out any stress. I guess I concentrate on them right now and let W worry about her problems.
^^This is something I learned a long time ago in this horrible mess. Bet you are like me, a 'fixer'. Well, not only do they believe they don't need fixed they most certainly don't want to be fixed by us.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I'm not going to begin to suggest that I have any real clue how to handle a child with the needs that yours has. I am certainly not suggesting that you do something to put his health or well being in jeopardy.
You did say this: This is the paradox. So, when I started doing LRT, I spent more time out of the living room, playing with the kids, reading books etc. and that just made W even more annoyed. W made pointed remarks about how I was now spending more time with the kids, why was I doing weights etc. and why didn't I do that before (I did, but I spend even more time with them as I don't know when you're going away).
If I'm reading this, you're equating "got annoyed" and "made remarks" with not working, correct? The way I read it is that you made a change and she didn't understand it so she got upset. Of COURSE she's going to get upset. You stopped being reliable ole Huddy, chasing her around. In my opinion, you cut it short before really letting the new dynamics take hold, and now you're back in the same dance trying to "please" her.
I could be way off and if so I apologize. Hopefully someone else with more experience will chime in.
Bingo! You are of course right. I am still attached (I kid myself otherwise) and I didn't like being non communicative. Yes, I am a fixer who has always dealt with all the problems in the house (is that controlling?) and have kept peace when my S kicks off.
So, back to basics for me.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Bingo! You are of course right. I am still attached (I kid myself otherwise) and I didn't like being non communicative. Yes, I am a fixer who has always dealt with all the problems in the house (is that controlling?) and have kept peace when my S kicks off.
So, back to basics for me.
No, that's just normal. The 'fixing' part only becomes an issue when its of a personal nature. In other words if she just wants someone to listen to her and not try to resolve her issues.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
That could be. W still won't talk, but she has let nuggets out. She won't talk to me, counsellor looks like a non runner, so she's only talking to SIL/MIL and they will just validate her position.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Huddy - I'm not sure but have you read the book yet? My recommendation of you haven't is to get it and read is ASAP. If you have, it's time to start over. It's time to set some real, concrete goals. I read your threads and it feels like you're throwing everything at the wall trying to get your W to "wake up".
But as you read countless times on here, that doesn't just HAPPEN. You need to take your focus off of her and everything she says and everything she does and put it on YOU. You can't TELL her you're the better choice; SHOW her you're the better choice. CONSISTENTLY.
That could well be. I've got to say, all the stress of her possibly taking the kids away has sidetracked me for over a month, so I have probably let my foucs go back to telling instead of showing.
Back to revision!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Three potential destructive bombs avoided tonight, so far.
First, W announced on the way home from the station she's going for a two week visit to MIL. No doubt the Wolfs Lair will need to cook up a plan into hurting Huddy some more. Handled in calmly and said 'fine'. When inside the house, I asked W when she was going. 'First two weeks of the holiday' came the reply. I then repeated the dates. That set off a 'Don't you tell me when I can go'. Well, I didn't, I was just confirming the dates so that I can plan some GAL activities. W failed to notice that she will be missing SD's birthday - I'll dodge that one for now.
Secondly, W started a conversation about finances and the fact we have accumulated a bit of debt. I explained that it is difficult when only one of us is earning. That got met with 'You don't appreciate what I bring into the house. I used to earn more money before the children were born.' I didn't react, but used one of the validation posts from my homework (Matt, I was supposed to be working this afternoon, but decided to revise instead!). That got met with 'Don't you start lecturing me etc. etc..
Now this I recognised from a thread on here which is basically another part of the script. I said I was sorry she felt that way, but I have always appreciated what W has done. Another barage of hate followed.
Lastly, she has called the L to tell her I won't be reacting to her letter. As I see it, there isn't a need yet as we're far to early for D (that's 9 months away, if she wants it) and we're still living together.
So, a successful afternoon of revising has helped me through this. Her other reaction is a bit weird. When she'd finished, I just started playing with the kids. This seems to have perplexed her, as she turned and went upstairs for ten minutes. Bizarre, but I think she was expecting needy Huddy (who is lurking underneath) to come out and satisfy her desire for a fight.
Do I class that as a success? See if we can keep needy Huddy at bay!
Last edited by Huddy; 06/15/1504:50 PM. Reason: missing word
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I think that's pretty successful. Sounds like a couple of 180's in there. I'm on my phone so can't quote properly but one thing I've learned is not to expect a 'type' of reaction when deploying DB techniques. You seem surprised at how she reacted to certain things. Don't be, the only certainty here is uncertainty.
Well done you.
Have you read the books?
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
