I think there is a lot of load in admitting to even closest friends and family that there has been systematic abuse. Like you, when I realized it was over, I did. And started learning many things others had seen with my STBX. No desire to hurt his character, or mine, but I found honesty has been crucial for real support IRL.
Your levels are a great tool. Maybe to develop further so we have a common reference. I feel like 4,5 and above is a good point to say this is abuse/abuser. Everything under can be situational and occasional to a lot of good marriages under stress, or grey lines, and is easy to say these are generally toxic behaviors. Almost like gateway abuses? Places where boundaries can often be set and respected. I am shaky on this point, but it would seem over the top to me to call someone abusive for a rare spew. Behaved abusively...yes.
What comes to mind is that affairs break vows, trust, but are selfish matters done in the space of someone's own choices. The STD issue is huge and this poses risk for spouse. But abuse comes into our space.
An Abuser uses two tools to keep their behavior going:
- a level of protection 'victim' offers in secrecy, whether rooted in pride, fear, dignity, whatever reason to not tell others. Abuser trusts this. ( I think this is why mine finally chose a psychological style. I had no hesitation in calling out early level 4+ verbal and physical for what it was thanks to childhood. And telling him my nearest and dearest were aware and we discussed. More difficult with a wannabe psychologist making me doubt everything about who I was and what the games and gas lighting were. The overt abuses still occasionally surfaced.)
- image management. Most abusers will make such efforts to present as 'good guy' or 'victim' and start planting seeds of doubt about how awful you are to others, socially.
I don't believe it is helpful to remain silent because these tools become further affirmed.
But if my STBX ever did seriously want to change and was one if the rare ones who did more than lip service - it would be impossible for me to have support of friends and family in that marriage at this point. When I weighed my risks, this is what I have chosen because it represents a healthier reality for me. Safe, well-being with support. No longer alone and enabling these two tools above, because I have hope that this is a changeable dynamic.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
