That lady singing - is she fat?

[Pyrite]

I know. You're right of course. But even to third parties it does seem that she is behaving very selfishly, immaturely and callously. Whether this is justified is another issue. Even if it is justified, is she not also subject to the same scrutiny, expectations that I am now placing on myself. To rise above "that".

I lament that we will most likely never have this discussion. I am flawed. I am acknowledging these things. I know my W. We were together for 12 years. There is no point in pretending that she is anything but flawed as well. Perhaps more so than me in all honesty. The M is in the past now. I made mistakes and so did she. But there is no denying that she had the EA/PA and put an end to the M. I am "still" open to R, but there is no one on the other end of the rope. So I drop it. This doesn't make it any less sad. This doesn't mean I am saying it is her fault.

But this does not mean I should make excuses for her either. She chose this path, and that is her choice. She is responsible for her choice as I am mine. I did not force her to do anything. She may feel that she had no other choice, but aren't we all subject to "you can only control YOU". As in Sandi's description - it happened gradually, this guy at work was flirting with her etc. I have friends(women) who acknowledge this has happened to them. There comes a point when they have said - "Ahhhh - i'm M with kids - big picture". My W didn't. Maybe I was such a bad H that even though she was 10 times better than these women friends who turned away - she eventually succumbed.

Maybe she wasn't at all, and I was a great H and she is just a selfish s**t. The truth is somewhere in here, but it doesn't matter where. It never did, and it never will. All that matters now is that it has happened. There is no WE. There is I. So what am I going to do.

I am not trying to bring myself up by putting her down. And she is NOT subject to any personal growth regime, DBing, or any other aspect of my life. Her life is completely her own and has nothing to do with me. I am not saying that I'm right and she's wrong, and certainly not that I was a good H, but I never subjected her to this. I never made our parents cry and our children. Or is everyone wrong and she is right. She is the victim. Absolutely she is entitled to her own interpretation, as is everyone.

There is no denying reality, regardless of my reasons or hers. All I am saying is that it is like my nephew when he stays home because he is too sick for school. But then Mum comes home and he is on the trampoline. Should we make excuses that he was sick, just in a different way etc etc. Or do we just call a spade a spade. School is not that great. OOOOhhhhh - here is a way out. Then 30 minutes later, trampolines are fun, and Mum isn't looking. Meanwhile, next-door, I am the kid who is home from school, sick and in bed.