Am going to church this afternoon. It helps me a lot. I am trying so hard to remain positive despite all that looms ahead of me.
H has been saying he wants a d for nine months now. Nothing has happened. He is depressed and distant. He has appraised the house and is talking about taking a loan out to pay me off and get me out of his life. Says he wants a fresh start. Then, he starts calling me and not mentioning d but still being distant and strange.
I don't know what to think. I guess I just have to go to treatment and go to jail and deal with my messes and not focus on him. He can do what he wants...I can't control him. I am trying hard not to fight with him about anything, yet not to give in to him on things that I shouldn't give in on. It is difficult to say the least. I don't want to make this easy for him...and yet, I don't want to make it hard on him either. I love him.
I am really confused today. I guess I need to stop thinking about things. I need to just enjoy my son and go to church and praise God for what good things I do have in my life.
I need to stop obsessing about H and what he is thinking. The focus has to be on me.
I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. Thank God for that.
I hope that things continue to get better.
I continue to honor and pray to St. Rita, patron saint of the impossible.
AG, Sounds like you are making the proper steps to me!
Talking to yourself, even in your head is a way to keep yourself in control. Know it is normal to go through all those emotions. It's ok to be scared, sad and even to cry!
LOL, I never thought I had the 2 x 4 out, so I need not put it away! LOL
Just made a few points and wanted you to see the right path. Keep on working on you. And learn to detach, you can't control what your H thinks or feels, no matter how hard you try. This is a very hard step, I for one need to keep working on detaching.
Deb, glad the 2x4 is not out. I am really fragile right now and don't think I could handle a whack.
I am trying hard to db and take care of myself. I've been taking my meds and sleeping regular hours. I've been trying to eat right. I have NOT been drinking.
Simple things that are not easy for me to do. I tend to forget to eat and forget to sleep normal hours if I am not taking care of myself and then I forget to take my meds regularly....which leads to me getting manic and drinking. So, I have to be really careful.
I sure hope this new drug cocktail they have me taking is the right mix. I am taking welbutrin XL, trileptal, and abilify.
I feel better and am having an easier time not calling my H at work. Used to be I was really out of control...beeping and calling several times a day.
I am positive on the phone when he calls. It is hard, but I do it anyway.
I am learning to be all alone. That is perhaps the hardest thing for me. I have to work hard at liking my own company. I need to really learn to love myself. I'm starting.
Well, Deb, that's it for now....thanks for posting.
Checking in this morning. Today is the day you have to start working on the detachment thing. For your own mental state, focusing on the hope that hubby calls is filling too much of your 'me' time. It will be a wonderful thing when he calls. But for now, step back and away from that.
I'm not trying to sound like a broken record, but take this time right now to find things for YOU. I would like to see some short term FUN goals here. Have you thought of painting a room? Brightening up a play area for your S?
I'll check in again after my dentist (ahrgh ) appointment. Probably from too much cheesecake you know
Well, I am going into treatment on Wednesday or Thursday and will have a week with no phone calls at all. Then, I can only call out...so, won't have much contact with H.
It's the equivalent of going dark for a month in many ways.
Still, YOU ARE RIGHT. I have to detach. I have to get from Monday to Wednesday or Thursday without dwelling on H so much. So, here's my plan for today...
Monday...post here. Eat breakfast. Take meds. Do some writing. Eat some lunch. Go to DR. appointment, cancel water delivery, schedule dental appointment for H...while in town, get a good movie to watch tonight. Call girlfriend and see if she wants to do dinner and a movie this evening at my place. If not, make popcorn, watch movie with dog from 7-9pm...those are my worst hours for obssessing about H.
While in town, go to Salvation Army. Buy something old/new for self. Also, get bubble bath.
Post at bb.
Wash purchase while watching movie, take meds, and then, take bubble bath after movie. Go to bed.
That's as exciting as I can get right now. I'd love to paint a room, but H would freak out. The entire house is winter cloud white and that's how he wants it. He would be pissed off, if I changed something.
Thanks Dazed Boy...I know you are right. I am proud of the fact that I didn't cave last night and call him. Tonight I may have a legal excuse to call him, as he wants to know when I am going into treatment and I find out today. I think what I will do is just beep him and tell him what I found out in a sentence or two. Then, I will wish him a good evening.
Beeping him keeps me to one minute or less. It's less needy than calling. Calling would end up in phone conversation that I would have a hard time ending.
So that's my plan. I think I will beep him as soon as I know something...then that will be out of the way.
What do you think?
The alternative is to not beep him. Let him call me if he wants to know.
Maybe I should do that. I'm already leaning toward doing that.
Great job not calling him. And going "dark" while you are in treatment may actually work for you as he does seem to care about you and will likely think about you while you are in there.
Do you have any leftover cheesecake? It sounds SOOO good.
This may sound silly, but when I call my H, I always end it first (180, I used to keep talking and talking). Before I call, I think of my reason to end it and then do.
Remember that we are all there for you in spirit. It will be tough, I don't envy you. But the good karma you will get from meeting your obligations will be excellent!
Saw my shrink. Went to the store and got movies. Ran into an old friend. It's now a little after 3 and I'm home again.
No news from treatment center.
No calls from H.
Shrink says community service is a good idea...write it up and he'll look it over and may back me up on request! Totite are you out there? He wants me to do presentations to schools. Totite, I could use some ideas on what to cover in a nutshell....
) appointment. Probably from too much cheesecake you know 
