That lady singing - is she fat?

[Pyrite]

Thanks for stopping by and the encouragement Bob.

[Pyrite]

I had a great week last week on holiday. Back at work, down to reality this week. The "discussion" I had with W last Monday is killing me now. It really hurts when a few months after BD, W admits she is in love with OM.

It hurts for what it is. It hurts that only a month ago she was still denying it. It hurts that she absolutely does not see it as rejection or betrayal. It hurts that she considers that she has been the victim this whole time and needed the support from her friends and OM. It hurts that it seems so normal to her. What does she think I have been doing while she has been going through this "worst" time in her life. I haven't been screwing another woman and falling in love, for support.

I have lost faith that she will ever, eVER see it. She will see it in others and criticise perhaps, but she will never see herself in this light.

I will get back to where I was soon enough. It just hurts .

[HeavyD]

Oh Pyrite

I am sorry - yes those words hurt deeply. Especially from someone who promised to God and in front of family and friends to love and cherish you. What's worse is that there are children are involved but the walk away spouse always puts their feelings before anyone elses don't they. Their wants and needs trump all.

[Bob723]

Pyrite,

You're welcome, my pleasure.

I can't imagine the pain you are going through right now. What a broken heart you must have.

You will be in my prayers soon.

Maybe you will find some comfort in this:

"The Spirit of the LORD is upon Me, because … He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed” (Luke 4:18 NKJV).

Bob

[Pyrite]

It just sux man. For the most part I am over caring about what W thinks, how she remembers this whole mess in the tears to come.

I spoke already about the last letter I sent to her. I really don't think I will ever get any further than where I was after this - WRT to her outlook. In that case I doubt there will ever be another letter between us. There could be in another future, but right now it is time to build my immediate future, based on my immediate present.

Siggghhhhhhh - this is tiring somedays.

[Bob723]

Siggghhhhhhh - this is tiring somedays.

Pyrite,

How true...many times I feel the same way. Please don't give up just yet.

And yes, "It just sux man." No truer words have ever been written.

We're here for you!

Bob

[Zues126]

It hurts that she absolutely does not see it as rejection or betrayal. It hurts that she considers that she has been the victim this whole time and needed the support from her friends and OM. It hurts that it seems so normal to her. What does she think I have been doing while she has been going through this "worst" time in her life. I haven't been screwing another woman and falling in love, for support.

I have lost faith that she will ever, eVER see it.

She's saying the same thing, "I have lost faith the Py will ever EVER see how deeply he hurt me, why I had to leave to protect myself, and that while I'm sad about how things played out I needed help from others to get out of a spot that was killing me. And that I love OM because he supported me through the darkest days of my life like I believe a man should do."

You're awfully sure you're right and she's wrong. There's a big difference between remaining faithful and being a good H, and DBing for a few months doesn't mean you are a different man and suddenly have God on your side (also, there's a difference between DBing and criticizing WAS's behavior on a forum for validation). The righteousness and judgment doesn't strike me as much of a 180. Especially when not long ago you were taking accountability for your actions and feeling humility, regret, and shame for your shortcomings.

Look, I'm not suggesting I think her behavior is justified or noble. And I felt exactly the same at 5 months in as you do now. I get it. So vent away. Just make sure once you get the support from us you need (and you have mine!) to get through a difficult night and you calm down you go back to working on your behavior and attitudes. I know you'll agree when I say you have a long way to go (as do I), and I care about you too much to sit back and watch you fall into the trap of thinking your new narrative is any more real than hers is. Take care brother.

[Pyrite]

I know. You're right of course. But even to third parties it does seem that she is behaving very selfishly, immaturely and callously. Whether this is justified is another issue. Even if it is justified, is she not also subject to the same scrutiny, expectations that I am now placing on myself. To rise above "that".

I lament that we will most likely never have this discussion. I am flawed. I am acknowledging these things. I know my W. We were together for 12 years. There is no point in pretending that she is anything but flawed as well. Perhaps more so than me in all honesty. The M is in the past now. I made mistakes and so did she. But there is no denying that she had the EA/PA and put an end to the M. I am "still" open to R, but there is no one on the other end of the rope. So I drop it. This doesn't make it any less sad. This doesn't mean I am saying it is her fault.

But this does not mean I should make excuses for her either. She chose this path, and that is her choice. She is responsible for her choice as I am mine. I did not force her to do anything. She may feel that she had no other choice, but aren't we all subject to "you can only control YOU". As in Sandi's description - it happened gradually, this guy at work was flirting with her etc. I have friends(women) who acknowledge this has happened to them. There comes a point when they have said - "Ahhhh - i'm M with kids - big picture". My W didn't. Maybe I was such a bad H that even though she was 10 times better than these women friends who turned away - she eventually succumbed.

Maybe she wasn't at all, and I was a great H and she is just a selfish s**t. The truth is somewhere in here, but it doesn't matter where. It never did, and it never will. All that matters now is that it has happened. There is no WE. There is I. So what am I going to do.

I am not trying to bring myself up by putting her down. And she is NOT subject to any personal growth regime, DBing, or any other aspect of my life. Her life is completely her own and has nothing to do with me. I am not saying that I'm right and she's wrong, and certainly not that I was a good H, but I never subjected her to this. I never made our parents cry and our children. Or is everyone wrong and she is right. She is the victim. Absolutely she is entitled to her own interpretation, as is everyone.

There is no denying reality, regardless of my reasons or hers. All I am saying is that it is like my nephew when he stays home because he is too sick for school. But then Mum comes home and he is on the trampoline. Should we make excuses that he was sick, just in a different way etc etc. Or do we just call a spade a spade. School is not that great. OOOOhhhhh - here is a way out. Then 30 minutes later, trampolines are fun, and Mum isn't looking. Meanwhile, next-door, I am the kid who is home from school, sick and in bed.

[Zues126]

Even if it is justified, is she not also subject to the same scrutiny, expectations that I am now placing on myself. To rise above "that".

She isn't subject to scrutiny and expectations from you. In fact, that is part of why she wanted out- because she was tired of being perpetually criticized by you. Yet you continue. What are you gaining from focusing on your WAS's shortcomings?

[Pyrite]

well actually I didn't criticise her perpetually, but enough to be unfair.

I am not getting anything out of criticising her now, nor am I focused on that. I am just saying it hurts to have your W tell you that she is in love with OM and having sex with him.

Maybe I am asserting that her behaviour of late IS selfish etc. Still waiting for response from her L, but it is very likely that court will form the same opinion. We can add qualifiers all day but in the end, the ruling will come down the same. Who called "no marriage"? Who refused too try? Who had EA/PA? Who wants to move whole family? Who is going to benefit from that?

Yes we absolutely need to do the best we can to be the best people we can and provide the best future we can for our kids and enjoy life to the fullest. But this can be done without absolving STBX of any responsibility.