First post. Desperate for advice.

[Elly4]

Hi Last,

I somehow missed your questions to me earlier. I'm so sorry. So, let me address them now.

"Eirinn, It looks like you have been doing the in-house separation thing for some time. What systems do you use to create a separation? Do you have kids? If so, how do you handle that?"

At the very core, I lie my head off and have a PMA even if it kills me. I've been in a pretty dark place the last few weeks, and yet as far as my H has known, I have had a great PMA. He even mentioned a few days ago how less anxious I am this June compared to other years. I'm not saying it's easy....it's not, but DBing really seems to work. I picture my H as a roommate, which kills me because he was my best friend. I'm light and casual with him, read Sandi's rules regularly, and I have the validation cheat sheet on my phone so I can pull it up when I need to.

At night, after the kids have gone to bed, I generally went up to bed too if I wasn't going out. In my room I would come on here, read a book, or listen to some music. As time went on and I was a little more detached, I would stay downstairs and watch some tv as he was headed to bed.

My S was actually a great way to detach. I would say hi to my H when he came home, ask how his day was, validate, and then go to play with my S. For a few weeks after I started DBing, my H would pace in the next room or text on his phone. Eventually though, he would start peeking in the room and finding out what we were doing. I would invite him to come in and play, but had no expectation that he would.

The hardest thing with the kids is helping them to understand, especially your 10 year old, why your W is distant. Is she with them too or just you? With my sitch, my H is distant with us both and has a lot less patience with our S. It's very hard for me to not step in when he loses it over something small, but as it is nothing abusive emotionally or physically, I have to stay out of it to give my H some space.

The best thing about the kids is the countless opportunities for GAL activities.

It is very, very hard to have your W still in the house but the other good part about having an inhouse separation is the ability for you to take the time to find out who the best Last is and become him. It really is a gift in some ways. Take the time to find out who Last is and what can make him a better person. Get introspective and open minded. Like Michelle says, we need to let go of preconceived notions and look at things in a new way. Your W is giving you the time to do this, while she is screwed up.

Detach, GAL, and 180. Oh and post on here lots. That's my problem area. I am always ready and willing to answer any questions you might have.

Hopefully my ramblings help somewhat,

hugs

E