Hi Bob - hope you are doin OK after the toxic email. What are you going to do - leave it alone and continue DB ing?
Today kids and I went to church, picked up some chicken and met with a friend at the house for a lunch and the kids spent the afternoon on the trampoline in the back yard. My friend has a S9 and they had a blast playing together.
Since the last negative interaction with W on last Monday we have not spoken or emailed. I feel like meh and just want an end to the chit ya know? Whats done is done, I just want to pt it behind me and hopefully have learned a few lessons.
Yes, I know I had my friend over and some others over last night buts life is not the same and I think everyone on the Board knows what I mean. I miss physical touch, I miss my W even though she is currently "not herself" lately. I miss the security and now I can see how quickly how all of that can be taken away. I just miss the life I used to have is all.
I am keeping up my meds, keeping up the exercise and just trying to fill my time with projects and things to do. My famiy comes over on about 2 weeks and we take our vacation to the islands for a little while which I am very very grateful for.
Tomorrow starts the first day of Smmer Camp for kids. I have to make sure they have plenty of sun screen, hats, clean clothes, etc... so it will most likely be a late night for me. I also have to clean out the car and have that ready for the week too, get it gassed up, etc..
See what I mean? I fill my time with stuff and chores of life. Am I going through the motions, yes but it beats the alterantive.
When the the unreal feeling of this go away - rhetorical question I know but seriously. I have read that the rough formula for me is 2 years recovery. Almost 1 year down and I didn't die. That is amazing becuase there were many days the pain was so bad that I wanted to die. Thankfully those feelngs have passed.
I remember when my Father died, it felt very unreal for a long time because it was a sudden death, no warning, no goodbyes, just gone. Just like that.
So what have I learned for all of this?
I am learning that all of this mess is not my fault.
I have learned that control is a subjective term.
I can now recognize that I am codependent.
My reactions have become more controlled and way less reactive.
I have learned I am way more stronger than I ever thought I was.
I have learned to value friendships and what they bring to life.
I have learned not to be so smug, thinking I had it all. Great career, happy marriage, etc...
I have learned how to have more compassion, for myself and for others.
My priorities have shifted dramatically. What is important now is no where near what was important before bomb drop.
I know I have it pretty good as many on the Boards have to move and uproot their kids, etc... and for that I am deeply grateful...again with the grateful. The word grateful keeps popping up in my thinking and writing, it must be a theme. Yes, I do have a grateful journal. Today I was grateful for the coolness of the early evening. I was gratful for the birds that danced in the watering of the grass. Little things now mean so muc.
So no real news friends, just wanted to reach out and say Happy Sunday. The Lord is with us and we have much to e grateful for.
