Abuse

[Vanilla]

Thank you for putting up this thread, Zelda and Vanilla. Your journal was interesting to me, Vanilla, I could relate a lot to the ignoring, etc. The first few years of our marriage we did stuff together but at some point everything we did involved an electronic screen. When I complained about that he got defensive and angry and said that he didn't like .... well, basically anything that DIDN'T involve a screen.

His dad is pretty verbally abusive to his mother, though most of the family says "That's just his way..." STBX told me to shut up one time when we had to make a 15 minute detour to get his wallet (this is in the first three years of our marriage), and though I laid into him on that occasion and he never was that overt again, he did find sneakier ways to express his contempt for me.

I've been really examining the history of my marriage and there are definitely some flags in there. But I don't know if I'll ever know if there is fire where I'm seeing smoke or if my eyes are clouded by how things turned out.

Thanks for putting this up here, it is definitely needed.

Thanks Maybell.

With regard to is it abuse or not. Wanting a hobby even if it's an electronic screen isn't abusive, but spending 24 hrs a day or week ignoring your family, forcing them to watch with you or enjoy what you enjoy may very well be. Just my view.

Ignoring was something H did to control, intermittent rewards. I would cook a meal and he would sneer and disappear to the pub. Occasionally a breadcrumb of deigning to eat with me. random.

Contempt is an emotion, a primary limbic one and uncontrollable as emotions go. I agree with Z, one thing to feel an emotion but quite another to convert that into directive behaviour designed to hurt.

A family history of abuse can also be a red flag.

If I told you that my H told me STFU three or four times a day in one way or another, would that add perspective? A good day at one stage was a 2 rant a day score.

Sounds like situational abuse rather than reactive or systemic, but you would know as you lived with it. One abuse is one too many though.

V