Abuse

[Zelda09]

To my list of flags, I would also offer some examples from my personal experiences.

Overt (father)

Some of the nastiest, most violent things you can imagine. At 13, I had a shotgun fired at me. But I remember seeing my mother in tears as a little kid, a scene that repeated itself too often, having been kicked, punched...her screaming like a mad woman ..and when I'd walk into the room he would sit calmly and explain to me how unbalanced she was. How he had to unfortunately treat her that way. How her PMS made her crazy. Made him crazy. It was all very creepy how he could go from ferocious to Freud instantly. Would even sound sympathetic to her after extreme harm minutes earlier. And sometimes he didn't bother with that act if he didn't feel like it. And he was big on big gifts when the next day the house was undeniably in ruins. Once in a while would actually get disgusted enough with himself to promise change. He was well respected around town and a great provider, inventor, successful business owner. Out of his mInd drunk each night, successful charismatic by day. first time she left him he promised counseling. When she came back he threatened her within an inch of her life if she ever embarrassed him again. What about counseling? And the response, "you aren't so stupid to think I meant it?" The sad thing was they worked together very well by day, quite a lot of evidence of mutual respect and admirationof each other's efforts in building the business.

Covert (H)

He had a unique brand. The first year there was a overt physical incident and I broke it off immediately. "Z, I am glad you have these boundaries." And we got back together and then it was random insults about how I was a slut. Later, he attributed to how insecure he was, "yes, Z, inappropriate I am sorry. You are just such a powerful and free person I'm intimidated" later, outright nasty verbal abuse. But here the pattern changes. No apologies cuz I am in deep love. After boundary enforcement convo, yes I understand, I can respect. We must have had to revisit that ten times and the insults ceased being foul and became simple name calling. I had to explain that throwing things and punching things around me were acts of intimidation. No, it did not matter that it was a basket of laundry and was too light to actually hurt me, H. It is the action demonstrating you are dangerous! Oh, the twisting. "Z, it is important how we got here, can you not see that?" Finally...finally, he might acquiesce in the face of enough evidence that his behavior was abusive and no, nothing I did caused it. Ok. After enough trust had been built, we were engaged. It seemed Id succeeded, his damaging behaviors disappeared, boundaries are respected! No.

In calm discussions..."z, obviously you are unhappy. We should not be together anymore." And of course I'd protest. "You are just a miserable person." This, with reasonable and assertive requests. Did I dare be disappointed and try express to him why? "Z, can you not see the anger seeping out of you? You need counseling." Or I would try to explain hurt feelings. "Z, you are lying to yourself. What is your real agenda here?" If he picked up on annoyance- "aRE you in a bad mood! How do you ferl right now Z, do you even know?" (said growling) if I did not say fine (or even if I did) he would repeat that louder and louder until screaming at me. I found myself afraid to answer with a certain tone of voice he'd get. In trying to talk about fights - "z, how many people do we know? Wouldn't you say they'd all consider you pretty forceful, domineering? I am considered gentle. Are you really sure this happened the way you said?" Then there were the times he would tell me how I didn't understand myself or anyone else either. I almost got to the point I believed him. His particular brand of abuse was in telling me all about who I was - selfish, cold, uncaring for him, a poor listener, how much damage I was doing to him simply by being myself. He was patronizing. He finally found a way to control me and get me to back off of my assertiveness for my needs and wants. He would tell me to F off, all bc he was hurt by something I said, and ask five minutes later where I was. I left and drew the boundary I would not be talked to this way, he knew that. "As if you even cared about me, Z!" There was lots of silent treatment during the last two years. Where he would be pointedly nice to me in public and treat me as though I was invisible once home. Once in a while still the physical intimidation. Threats of suicide in middle of fights. During Robin Williams thing this started...he kept trying to make the point in normal conversation that his wife was surely responsible. I was having none of it. Stance changed to, "Z, I don't think you're prepared to be much of a caregiver. H, how do you need a caretaker anymore? Later, "I need someone who can be there for me." I worked three jobs supporting us, and meanwhile he pretended to be unable to drive, hid EAs. I tried to reach out to him emotionally to meet his needs, become s better listener. Then I was just insulted for being who I was, and it was hopeless for me to even try. So I tried harder to please, to be softer, more agreeable and...

There were more creepy sociopathic things. His absolute apathy one minute in front of me and then running to my family with alligator tears the next. Isolation attempts through telling a good friend of mine to stay away from his wife.

What you allow will escalate and continue. Once I owned that I was going to look at improving myself to improve our M...tried to pressure me into sex in same breath he was telling me he wanted to date others and be separated. Then, in between the sweet spots of piecing...lots of emotional blackmail, veiled threats, increased condescension, patronizing, psycho babble about the work I had in front of me, flat out told me he didn't care about my feelings, and if I brought them up it was back to "how would you feel if I had committed suicide? How much therapy are you going to need, Z, before you understand how bad you are for me?" Or he'd lock himself in the car and act timid and afraid if I said I wanted to discuss something. If I was crying, he was screaming at me for being angry at him. The last episode was denial and back pedaling and I refused to shut up and go away as he wanted....and so he threw heavy bowls at me, destroyed a 'life proofed' phone, screaming "you don't care about me" with fists an inch off my ears, "I'll break every gd dish in this house if I want to" and slammed front door into me as I walked out. Texted my mom out of 'concern' wondering where I was and then told her how I pushed his buttons, made him crazy. She had none of it. I got dilent treatment for three days, he ran up my debit card and had zero remorse when I confronted. Was just done with our M, hundreds of thousands of dollars of a settlement check in hand that week. And now will not sign the papers he drew up, or get the rest of his things. I have been in NC for a month and it is healing.