First post. Desperate for advice.

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I think it may have lifted the fog. In the aftermath of that she is crushed by her perception that these people now think less of her.


It probably did assist in lifting some fog. Now, to see if it worked in getting her to stop contacting these guys online. (Which she did not agree, right?) It is highly addictive. She gets a rush from it, just like a drug. If she decides she will stop the online activity, she will be hit with the withdrawals, and if she is not aware of what to expect, she will make excuses to herself and return to what lures her.

The other part of this newer situation is her feelings of embarrassment and shame that her family has been alerted to her activities. It would be good if she could deal with this the way she should, although, in many cases the WW involved in online sexual conduct, turns her embarrassment and shame into rage directed at the "informer". Instead of owning her bad behavior, she shifts the blame onto you. "This is all your fault. This is my family and you had no right! I hope you're happy now, b/c you have ruined the relationship with my own family. Thanks to you, things will never be the same again".

Many WW's try to shift the blame onto the H for everything wrong in their lives, and even blame him for her A. This may very well be the approach she'll use with her family, trying to save face as much as she can. In making you the bad guy in the eyes of her family, it takes the heat off her. So, you may want to brace yourself for this likely possibility.

I think it was you who said something about going nuts and couldn't help yourself from saying too much, when you should have backed away and STFU. Here's the thing, you must learn how, b/c to say you can't help it........doesn't work. After the exposure, you then sounded regretful and said you were "controlling", trying to get her to stop.
It is up to you to accept the advice given, or cast it aside. That's fine. But don't try to control her when you use the excuse of "couldn't help it" for yourself. There is only one person in this world you can control, and until you achieve control over yourself........why do you think you can control someone else? No offense intended, just want you to view this from a different angle, okay?

That is not to say you need to look the other way or excuse her online A's. I am not saying I agree or disagree with what you did, in seeking help. I simply want to prepare you for what may be coming, and also hope you will be emotionally receptive to a different method of dealing with these problems.

No you are 100% right. When I say couldn't help it, I am not taking responsibility for my actions. Very true. I WANT to accept the advice. It's the only thing that has worked so far. I will do better.

I have read more on exposure today and I am now starting to understand that it may have been my single greatest mistake. I have likened it to dropping a nuclear weapon to stop a fistfight. There are now so many variables in play. All the people I have told have the power to tell people and create a cascade of fallout that I never intended.

Also, W told me today that she is sorry for the Online EA, but then went into a lot of the "why" which is based on what our marriage was for years before she made the choice to become a WW.

She is listing a lot of the things that I am targeting with my 180. I know what they are. That is the saddest part. I know what about me drove her away. We've fought over the same things for 15 years. I just never had the skills to change. I kept doing more of the same. I know she owns the EAs. I am furious over it. But, it's a hard sell to beckon her back to a loveless broken marriage that had been on life support for years. The only way this works is if she sees wholesale change in me.

The next thing you'll say is "if it's so broken, why try to fix it?" Well, I love her. She is the woman I love. When it is good between us, it's amazing, electric. I just need to increase the number of those days. I had let them fade into memory. Well....no more.

As for the exposure she is doing as you say. Focusing on me as having betrayed her by telling people.

Regarding the EAs. She continues the conversations. Her justification: She is now separated from her husband, estranged from her sister, and her parents are ashamed of her. Who is she to talk to? She cannot talk to me. She is clinging to the EAs for the "someone to talk to" outlet they provide. I am approaching this as a WW who refuses to end the affair and following the DB rules.