The end

[mustardseed]

It is not fun to go through this with your kids. I am sorry you are all three struggling.

For myself, I found that being as honest as I can has been the best thing I can do for my kids. I decided on that course of action after talking to a lot of adult friends whose parents had divorced when they were kids. My kids don't yet know about his dating (the boys are too young; and I just can't inflict that kind of hurt on my daughter), but they know I am hurt and angry. They know he isn't spending the kind of time with them that other kids' dads do, even the ones who are split up.

I haven't told them what he's been up to, but I have promised them to be honest if they ask me questions. I do not feel like I would be doing them a service to keep their story a secret from them. So far they haven't asked.

This is not to tell you what to do. I sympathize with you, and as hard as it is, I'm almost glad that all this is happening when the boys, at least, are too young to understand. I'm only telling you who I've decided to be, as a parent. I decided when I was a teenager that life would be easier if I were the same on the outside as I am on the inside, and to the best of my ability I try to make myself the best person I can figure out to be. That is my goal as a parent, too. To balance compassion and honesty. They are both critically important -- for me, it is the only way I can teach my kids to be people who perpetrate the kind of hurt their dad has dealt out to his family. If my children grow into adults who honor their commitments and deal compassionately with the world, then I will have succeeded as their mother.

Thank you for sharing that. It is how I want to be to. I consider myself a very honest person. I don't understand secrets and lies. That is probably why I am so hung up on trying to read his mind. I also still believe things he says, and right now he is saying nasty things about me which makes me second guess my choices when it come to communicating with the kids.

The thing is they ask me questions, not him. They don't feel comfortable asking him questions or letting him know what they are thinking. S13 told me he wanted to tell ow on the last day of school things that have been bothering him about her friendship with dad. I asked why he couldn't talk to dad about it and he said it is too hard to. I advised him that dad would be a better person to talk to about it. I said, I don't like their friendship but dad and I are getting divorced these are the choices he is making. I told them that they should not feel like they need to adjust their relationship with ow or her kids based on what they think dad and I want.

I think d12 is having a hardertime with that piece. Her friendship with ows daughter has gotten much closer this year but ows daughter has been trying to isolate her from other friends. She has struggled with peer relationships and can be pushy. D12 has told me that sometimes she doesn't want to do what this girl wants but she feels pressured because of dad's friendship with her mother. I am trying to stay neutral, giving the same advice I would give if it was any other friend. I told her that she should be honest about what she wants and doesn't want and not be afraid to communicate that with her friends.

I want to give the right advice without my emotions getting in the way. The thing is h and ow are convinced that I am poisoning the kids against them. Anything they say to h about it gets labeled as being my doing. I hate that the kids are in the middle of it. I feel all three of us are to blame for that. Me for failing to k keep apoker face and talki ng about it with h in co conversations that the kids might have overheard. Them for not having the decency of keeping it away from the kids. Or to put it on hold until after the marriage is over. Part of me thinks that maybe once they n o longer have the game of torturing me to keep them going the relationship will just fizzle. That's why I have to detach but the kids continuing to be subjected to it makes . It even harder.luckily they are done with school. Maybe they won't have to see anymore of that inappropriate display.