I dropped off the kids at MIL's house. STBX was still sleeping. As I was about to leave, MIL suggested that D4 show me her new move in the pool. I didn't want to miss that! We sat out on the patio for a few minutes while I watched D4 play in the pool. MIL went to get her swimsuit on and must of went in to wake up STBX. She came out to the patio and asked if I still wanted to go to lunch. I said sure. MIL seemed to really make it a point for the kids to go along with us. It was probably better that way especially after the conversation this morning. And I thought that this may be the last time the kids will ever get to eat lunch with their parents together so I went along with it.
STBX wanted us to all drive together but I suggested separate cars. She seemed annoyed by that. Lunch was fine. STBX wasn't very talkative but I decided I would have fun and try to enjoy myself. By the end of lunch, she seemed a little more at ease. There was no R talk at all.
I walked the kids to her car and gave them smooches. STBX then walked up for a hug. I gave her a granny hug. We said our goodbyes.
Side note: I did take a small amount of pleasure when looking into STBX's room at her parents house. Clothes, hangers, and stuffed animals were strewn everywhere. That must be so enjoyable to live in a tiny guestroom at your parents house.
Time to go out and GAL! Go Canes!
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
I find this comment from W very, very interesting:
STBX then admitted that L had convinced her to select date to serve me D papers, this Monday.
This suggests that W may have been uncertain about proceeding with having you served so it took her L to convince her. Hmmmmm. In a way, this is GOOD because this tells you that W is not being really decisive about going forward with having you served.
You would want to keep this nugget in the back of your mind for this is a very important clue here. Now, when you meet with your L, tell him/her what transpired and ask him/her to drag out the D proceedings for as long as possible. This way, it will give you a chance to DB your W who seems to be re-thinking her decision to D.
To aid in this process, I'd suggest that you 'borrow' this crib from Cali the next time W gets into R talks with you. This will plant a seed in her mind that the next woman will get the benefits of a new, improved Defacto.
Trust me...W will get insanely jealous in her mind and will not like hearing this at all. Just a reality check for her should she plow ahead with a D that you don't want, but won't stand in her way (i.e. help with paperwork, etc.)
I believe that the NEXT time you two get into R talks, USE this time to pull out the "needs" script on W. Ooohhhh boy, I'd love to be a fly on the wall when that time comes around.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
So during the R talk she said that one of the reasons we do not talk is because it leads to fights (As above) I told her calmly that when she tries to put deadlines over something I am dealing with it bothers me .. we discussed that we do not communicate as well as we once did ... hopeful Retroville will help this. Then she asked what I wanted out of her .. and that weekend. So I told her .. was not emotional about it but I have been stewing on it for some time and it was time to list out the things I want from my spouse ... regardless of who that will be.
I need someone who will not run every time things get tough, someone who will stick it out ... good or bad. I need to be connected emotionally, spiritually, and most importantly physically. I need a date night once a week, just her and I. I need to be able to be myself around this person.
After I told her this I simply said .. if this is something you can not do then I think we should just go ahead and file ... These are needs .. not wants
She then started telling me why she pulled back ... before A ... was a good talk actually and opened things up .. I brought up that whole "not attracted" thing ... Told her it was hurtful, and I am not wanting to be hurt like that any longer, I went on to say unfortunately I am not a Physical Trainer (OM was) and I am not full of myself that way nor as an active father do I have that kind of time to spend in the gym .. however I am not a couch potato either, I am active, in pretty good shape. I told her by what she said its like I have to compete with OM and I am not doing that ... she can go back to that if thats what she needs .... she quickly told me no, that she was done and had moved on from that.
About the OM, I am not sure. I have a hunch, but nothing solid, they are either over or on the skids based on a few circumstantial details I have gathered (OM's W TM from a few weeks back, STBX phone records show minimal contact). But, this is no guarantee of anything.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
I find this comment from W very, very interesting:
STBX then admitted that L had convinced her to select date to serve me D papers, this Monday.
This suggests that W may have been uncertain about proceeding with having you served so it took her L to convince her. Hmmmmm. In a way, this is GOOD because this tells you that W is not being really decisive about going forward with having you served.
You would want to keep this nugget in the back of your mind for this is a very important clue here. Now, when you meet with your L, tell him/her what transpired and ask him/her to drag out the D proceedings for as long as possible. This way, it will give you a chance to DB your W who seems to be re-thinking her decision to D.
I definitely think STBX has a lot of uncertainty. I was a little surprised that she could be swayed by her L so easily. But, I believe she has other parties heavily impacting her decisions (MIL, work friends, sister).
After I left the late lunch with STBX and the kids, I proceeded to go out and GAL. I decided that I had just spent time with the kiddos so I didn't need to call and talk with them. Plus, I didn't really want to talk with STBX again yesterday. Later, STBX TM'd some goofy accusation about an innocent Facebook post I made the day before. (STBX bought me a certain record for a gift a few years back and I was critiquing some of the songs on this record on Facebook. STBX assumed that I was doing this because it was a gift that she got for me. Get over yourself!! The thought never crossed my mind). Of course, I didn't reply to this TM.
A few minutes later, STBX calls me but I let it go to voicemail. STBX leaves a message but it is of D4 talking to me. I found this to be sweet. Then, just after midnight, STBX calls again. I didn't answer this call either.
I'm not sure why she would want to communicate so much with a man that you just told was going to get served D papers on Monday. Anyway, I think I am going to take today kind of easy just because I feel like I need it/deserve it. Even though I know it's coming, I suspect getting served will still be tough to deal with. The good news is that I get to pick up the kiddos today at 2pm. I think we will try to do something really fun to keep my mind of everything.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Wonka, In regards to Cali's response, help me understand how that example would make a difference to STBX when they have not expressed interest in working on the MR. I imagine STBX would answer with "So what?"
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
My take on the lawyer....she hired him the end of April and she dragged her rear end getting him all the information he needed. At some point she was being wishy washy and he just said, "let's set a date and if you don't change your mind by the, in my experience, we should just go ahead. So pick a date"
Lawyers make money drafting and filing documents and managing lawsuits. He's not there to talk your wife OUT OF doing what makes him money.
Kind of like asking a surgeon if you REALLY need surgery. Of course you do.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
De facto, sorry to hear about that. My ww told me she went for a consultation with her lawyer and by the time it was done she had filed and wasn't really planning on it when she walked in. From talking with people lawyers can be great at using the "you need to file first" technique. That uncertainty can scare w into doing it faster. Doesn't mean mine didn't want to file or that she never would, maybe just did it that day vs later, who knows.
As far as the talking, I saw that with my ww after filing too. She was very apologetic, in tears and it pretty much felt like she was feeling guilty and wanted to be nice,meet my forgiveness or that everything would be ok and still be friends.
I can't and haven't offered that. I'm sure it will be tough and you'll be triggered by small thing you don't realize, but it's a long process. You cantinue to use the time to db. I'm def not an expert but if she did file and you do get served, I would go dark with the exception of with the kids.
If she had an option to postpone things and still chose to file, it seems you have an answer on where she is right now. Still in a fog, still wayward. Doesn't mean she'll always be there, but as long as she is, I'm not sure what else to do besides go dark, gal and work on your own 180
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
L's are scum (if you're an L and you're reading this, you really are just sucking on the sadness of humanity) and they will do anything to encourage their client to move on in a process as this is the only way to make money. Inaction means they're not earning a penny bean. Stay calm.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Wonka, In regards to Cali's response, help me understand how that example would make a difference to STBX when they have not expressed interest in working on the MR. I imagine STBX would answer with "So what?"
I agree with you Defacto. Now would not be the time to play that card if she hasn't made any overtures of actually working things out.
However, Wonka has a point by posting this excerpt from Cali and that is that it perfectly encapsulates the attitude you should have about your marriage and relationships in general.
You're doing great.
GH31
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
