The end

[mustardseed]

It's Friday. Deep breaths. Get through it. Don't let the assistants get to you. Two of my assistants were snapping at another teacher yesterday when we were rehearsing an end of year celebration with the kindergarten students. I was tempted to say, This is what I've been dealing with all year. I was angry at the whole world yesterday. Today, I'm not sure what I am. Fed up. Frustrated. Impatient to just get to the end. Only 10 more days. 4 of them will be 1/2 days for the kids.

[Vanilla]

Just let them show their true colours. Like crocodiles snapping and biting.

You are detached!


Home straits........


You absolutely have nothing to loose by relaxing and shining like the moonlight. No worry you got this one Msd.

Go enjoy these last 10 days, your friends will encourage, your supporters will grin with pleasure, go do it. It's your time with those kids you have mentored worked with and developed. The adults no longer matter.

Have fun and let go, enjoy your students, forget the teachers and assistants.

Go be loved by the kids and their parents, revel in these 10 days, wallow in the time you have put in.

And, oh yes, take all of those time invested materials, worksheets and resources with you, they are your toolkits to success.

V

[mustardseed]

I got his petition for divorce yesterday. I'm ready to end this now. I'm at my parents with the kids this weekend. Everything feels normal when I'm here. I don't think about what he is doing or who he is with. I have some GAL planned for the next three weekends. Some with kids some without. He sent me his summer schedule so we can avoid conflicts. I don't know what his plans are. Only when he plans to be mia. I am going to try and keep my plans just as vague.

So it is time to bury this marriage. I'm so sad. He was the love of my life. But he is no longer the man I married. I hope to once again have companionship. But I don't think I will ever feel so right with someone again. I've had plenty of relationships before him, and never once did I think it was right, just right for the moment. He was different. It's sad that something that felt so right for so long can end just the same way as those that never felt right. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust and love like that again.

[mustardseed]

Trying to reconcile the past with the present. I know I have a very long way to go. I found this post about the breakdown of a marriage I age written by gottman. https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/predictable-patterns-of-marriage-breakdown/ And it seems like the roadmap of what happened. I still believe if he could just see my side of things we can fix everything. He is the king of stonewalling. And we have come to the point where there is no trust. According to the article incompatibility is the back drop to this breakdown it really [censored] that I can be so in love with someone I am not compatible with. When we met it seemed so right. We wanted the same things and had the same values. Maybe we both c hanged or one of us changed, or maybe I was misled.or mms maybe we only saw what we wanted to see.

Attraction and compatibility don't always go hand in hand. And that really [censored]. I have and probably still would bend for him. His flaws were worth it. But not these new flaws. The betrayal is so much harder to let go of than anything we have ever dealt with in the past. I think he is right that there is no turning back.

[HeavyD]

Mustard Seed

Well, we have many things in common don't we? I just caught up on your thread.

I feel that I am at the end of my rope (metaphorically of course). The daily reminders are so freaking hard. How I wish I could just leave this awful place and go back home with my kids. Of course that is not possible, I am locked into this battle of wills.

Why did this happen is what I have asked myself over and over and yes it is POINTLESS, it did and that's reality.

Been busy today with errands and birthday parties and play dates, laundry and everything else under the sun to keep active. it is hard enough to stay distracted while not busy and even harder when I am not busy with life. Keep moving forward.

Everyone tells me how thin and marvelous I look, and I just say yeah, a new diet, thanks. If they only knew the real reason. Eating is again becoming a problem. Just do not have the appetite. I am drinking milkshakes and protein shakes and anything to put some weight on and that is easy to intake.

So I see you have been at this terrible game much longer than I have and I admire your strength and tenacity. How are your kids doing?

Yes, we talked many many times about values and how important they were to us and the children. I grew up in a non religious Protestant household, she is a pretty religious Christ oriented house hold. After our kids were born she wanted to get them baptised, and I agreed it would be a good thing. After that we started attending the church regularly and after a couple of years, low and behold I asked the pastor to baptise me privately because I felt it was a personal decision plus I was an adult.

After accepting Jesus into my life, I casually mentioned it to W and she was only mildly interested. To me it was a HUGE deal. I felt I made a lot of progress spiritually and emotionally for ME and to be a good role model for our family. Now it hits me, she never told me she was proud of me, or any of my accomplishments. Never. She only would say "You don't get rewarded on what you should do." I used to give her compliments all the time about how she was the prettiest girl in the room, how proud I was of her for XX or YY or giving me the strength I needed to be the best I could be. What does that say about me?

Now since bomb drop all of that flew out the window, just like that. I guess our values were not the same at all. I attend another church now, easier where no one knows me or my story. I am glad for just blending in.

[mustardseed]

I lost 30 pounds since this all started. The stress diet. I'm back to my high school weight. It started with GAL activities and counting calories to distract from the BS, but when I got to my goal I continued to lose. Now it feels like I'm obsessed with my weight. I have been fluctuating with being 5-10 pounds under my goal but when I start climbing up closer to my original goal now I panic. I've never been so obsessed before. Always felt comfortable with my body. But right now I'm obsessed. Must be the need to control the few things I can.

I liked being fat and happy so much better. I have a cousin getting married and I told his fiance that I hope they have an engagement party this summer because I have this dress I want to wear that I'm hoping ill be too happy to fit into next year.

[mustardseed]

My kids are struggling but don't let on. I find out that they are hurting when I hear d12 crying at night. When s13 tells me his friends keep asking why ow and his dad are always together. When d12 asks me who dad went to see when he went away because ow's daughter told her her mother was in the same state that weekend

They have all the same questions I have. I am making mistakes with them. I'm struggling between wanting to be honest with them and keeping their dads reputation in tact for them. I want to get them in counseling to help me navigate and to help them cope. I snapped at s13 for no reason yesterday just because he was behaving like h. Being moody but saying he's fine. It was unfair of me and I recognize my fault in that and I apologized but I'm struggling with this parenting piece right now. S13 feels very protective of me and it makes me uncomfortable. I don't want him to feel like I need him to take care of me. I do t know how much of it is his age and how much of it is me coming across as week and vulnerable. I need to change that. I think if I can truly detach and move on they will be better off. They love their dad and they should. I love their dad too. I just hate who he is right now.

[Maybell]

It is not fun to go through this with your kids. I am sorry you are all three struggling.

For myself, I found that being as honest as I can has been the best thing I can do for my kids. I decided on that course of action after talking to a lot of adult friends whose parents had divorced when they were kids. My kids don't yet know about his dating (the boys are too young; and I just can't inflict that kind of hurt on my daughter), but they know I am hurt and angry. They know he isn't spending the kind of time with them that other kids' dads do, even the ones who are split up.

I haven't told them what he's been up to, but I have promised them to be honest if they ask me questions. I do not feel like I would be doing them a service to keep their story a secret from them. So far they haven't asked.

This is not to tell you what to do. I sympathize with you, and as hard as it is, I'm almost glad that all this is happening when the boys, at least, are too young to understand. I'm only telling you who I've decided to be, as a parent. I decided when I was a teenager that life would be easier if I were the same on the outside as I am on the inside, and to the best of my ability I try to make myself the best person I can figure out to be. That is my goal as a parent, too. To balance compassion and honesty. They are both critically important -- for me, it is the only way I can teach my kids to be people who perpetrate the kind of hurt their dad has dealt out to his family. If my children grow into adults who honor their commitments and deal compassionately with the world, then I will have succeeded as their mother.

[mustardseed]

It is not fun to go through this with your kids. I am sorry you are all three struggling.

For myself, I found that being as honest as I can has been the best thing I can do for my kids. I decided on that course of action after talking to a lot of adult friends whose parents had divorced when they were kids. My kids don't yet know about his dating (the boys are too young; and I just can't inflict that kind of hurt on my daughter), but they know I am hurt and angry. They know he isn't spending the kind of time with them that other kids' dads do, even the ones who are split up.

I haven't told them what he's been up to, but I have promised them to be honest if they ask me questions. I do not feel like I would be doing them a service to keep their story a secret from them. So far they haven't asked.

This is not to tell you what to do. I sympathize with you, and as hard as it is, I'm almost glad that all this is happening when the boys, at least, are too young to understand. I'm only telling you who I've decided to be, as a parent. I decided when I was a teenager that life would be easier if I were the same on the outside as I am on the inside, and to the best of my ability I try to make myself the best person I can figure out to be. That is my goal as a parent, too. To balance compassion and honesty. They are both critically important -- for me, it is the only way I can teach my kids to be people who perpetrate the kind of hurt their dad has dealt out to his family. If my children grow into adults who honor their commitments and deal compassionately with the world, then I will have succeeded as their mother.

Thank you for sharing that. It is how I want to be to. I consider myself a very honest person. I don't understand secrets and lies. That is probably why I am so hung up on trying to read his mind. I also still believe things he says, and right now he is saying nasty things about me which makes me second guess my choices when it come to communicating with the kids.

The thing is they ask me questions, not him. They don't feel comfortable asking him questions or letting him know what they are thinking. S13 told me he wanted to tell ow on the last day of school things that have been bothering him about her friendship with dad. I asked why he couldn't talk to dad about it and he said it is too hard to. I advised him that dad would be a better person to talk to about it. I said, I don't like their friendship but dad and I are getting divorced these are the choices he is making. I told them that they should not feel like they need to adjust their relationship with ow or her kids based on what they think dad and I want.

I think d12 is having a hardertime with that piece. Her friendship with ows daughter has gotten much closer this year but ows daughter has been trying to isolate her from other friends. She has struggled with peer relationships and can be pushy. D12 has told me that sometimes she doesn't want to do what this girl wants but she feels pressured because of dad's friendship with her mother. I am trying to stay neutral, giving the same advice I would give if it was any other friend. I told her that she should be honest about what she wants and doesn't want and not be afraid to communicate that with her friends.

I want to give the right advice without my emotions getting in the way. The thing is h and ow are convinced that I am poisoning the kids against them. Anything they say to h about it gets labeled as being my doing. I hate that the kids are in the middle of it. I feel all three of us are to blame for that. Me for failing to k keep apoker face and talki ng about it with h in co conversations that the kids might have overheard. Them for not having the decency of keeping it away from the kids. Or to put it on hold until after the marriage is over. Part of me thinks that maybe once they n o longer have the game of torturing me to keep them going the relationship will just fizzle. That's why I have to detach but the kids continuing to be subjected to it makes . It even harder.luckily they are done with school. Maybe they won't have to see anymore of that inappropriate display.

[mustardseed]

I apologize for how awful my typing has been lately. I've been using my kindle and the autocorrect isn't very intuitive and does a lot of weird things.