hold on! - 10

[u-turn]

Thanks V.
yes - that was hurtful when she said that - it was said in complete anger with her finger poking me in the chest. She tearfully apologized for it two days later. It does not undue it for me - I changed at that point. She has blamed me for this WHOLE situation on something that I said back in January of 2014 (that was really the BD). I accused her meeting a male friend as being a date (that supposedly sent the snowball rolling down the hill). I apologized too many times to count for that and addressed that I didn't know how to deal with jealousy (I had never felt it before and reacted in the wrong way instead of discussing it).

Well - now she wanted to apologize for something she said that is so hurtful. Something that tells me that inside her she does not care if I were here or not. Can't undue that.

I am seeing an IC and she has helped me with my suicidal thoughts and somehow they are gone and I feel good.

Abusive - I don't know, it is not really a pattern, but I don't know enough about it. Things that I remember - she did stab me with a fork once (15 years ago). At the time I felt that I had it coming - it was at the height of my working too much. I see that differently now. (I'm have a feeling she doesn't even remember that)

She has withheld sex during our marriage - I thought that was my problem, but I see that as her control now.

--but now she still goes around acting like all is well during the day without really addressing anything. I am quietly proceeding with what I think my path should be and this is where that anger came from when she said those things to me. It has taken me a long time to figure out what my path should be.

I will continue this later, but thank you so much.
And hugs right back to you!