Another day begins with me and the kids getting up first with W appearing 45 minutes later. W hasn't said a word to me at all today. I've noticed she is continually biting her nails.
A grey overcast day, so not much to get on with. W mentioned she wanted furniture moving yesterday, so I guess she'll pounce on me with that soon.
I know it's not three calendar months, but in week terms it is. What do I notice? W is up and down most days, sometimes with conversation, sometimes not. She is resolute that she doesn't want any kind of R and keeps telling me that. Communication, other than financials/about kids can be virually zero. W's sister has become her most valued contact and her mobile phone is virtually attached to her leg. I have three children (OK, one is an adult) that are in various stages of panic/fear about the future.
Me? Well, I though the needy stage had passed, but after the counselling session went pear shaped last week, I let myself down. It was about my kids and there appears to be some concessions available from W. Still worried about how all this will pan out. Of course, I hope she'll see sense, but she has arranged for the house to be put on the market next week, so that is when reality will hit in. As W hasn't made any concrete plans for her housing post split, I don't know how this is going to work.
Another day, same old problems!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
For me this is where the detachment is really difficult. It's hard not to think about the future but only the here and now. Sure, my WW has problems and I accept I'm not here to fix them. Let her get on with it but when there are kids involved you really can't just step all the way back.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Another day begins with me and the kids getting up first with W appearing 45 minutes later. W hasn't said a word to me at all today. I've noticed she is continually biting her nails.
A grey overcast day, so not much to get on with. W mentioned she wanted furniture moving yesterday, so I guess she'll pounce on me with that soon.
I know it's not three calendar months, but in week terms it is. What do I notice? W is up and down most days, sometimes with conversation, sometimes not. She is resolute that she doesn't want any kind of R and keeps telling me that. Communication, other than financials/about kids can be virually zero. W's sister has become her most valued contact and her mobile phone is virtually attached to her leg. I have three children (OK, one is an adult) that are in various stages of panic/fear about the future.
Me? Well, I though the needy stage had passed, but after the counselling session went pear shaped last week, I let myself down. It was about my kids and there appears to be some concessions available from W. Still worried about how all this will pan out. Of course, I hope she'll see sense, but she has arranged for the house to be put on the market next week, so that is when reality will hit in. As W hasn't made any concrete plans for her housing post split, I don't know how this is going to work.
Another day, same old problems!
I've been reading through your threads along with your postings, but I've never really been sure what to add to them. In reading through this executive summary, I'm concerned that 3 months in, you are still way too focused on the W and trying to FIX your marriage.
where is the information on the work you've been doing on HUDDY? It's been 3 months. What kind of 180s are you doing? What kind of GAL activities? I get that you're dping a lot of work to spend time with the kids, but that can't be everything.
Honestly, it feels like you've been doing this awkward cat and mouse dance game with the W for 12 weeks. I know it's hard with the in-house divide, but I think you HAVE to stop dancing. Don't give her the chance to tell you "several times" she doesn't want to R. Every time you have that conversation, it reinforces her thoughts!
In my opinion, go back to stage 1. Start over with a beginners mind. Actually start detaching. Focus on YOU. Be consistent in your actions. Stop trying to control the situation; control the thing you can: YOU.
It's difficult with the kids, especially with my son being disabled. It's not easy just to start GAL activities as my S's autism can go from good to extreme in seconds and I need to be there to control his temper.
So what have I done for me? Well, I've got back into regular exercise/weights. Today, the weather improved and me and the kids went off to the park not inviting W, so that was good. I do have a night out planned in a couple of weeks.
Yes, I have been trying to fix the marriage, but haven't found that LRT has been having the desired effect in that she just gets even more aggressive and hurtful. That's when she said she was taking the kids away.
Will review my actions and revise.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
It's difficult with the kids, especially with my son being disabled. It's not easy just to start GAL activities as my S's autism can go from good to extreme in seconds and I need to be there to control his temper.
I understand what you're saying, but you do work from outside the home a lot of days, right? So you don't NEED to be with him 24 hours of every day. I'm not suggesting you need to abandon the kids to the W all the time, but I do think you need to start injecting some level of mystery from your W. Can't you go out after work one night a week?
Originally Posted By: Huddy
So what have I done for me? Well, I've got back into regular exercise/weights. Today, the weather improved and me and the kids went off to the park not inviting W, so that was good. I do have a night out planned in a couple of weeks.
These are good. How about on a personal/emotional level? What kinds of behaviors are you working on?
Originally Posted By: Huddy
Yes, I have been trying to fix the marriage, but haven't found that LRT has been having the desired effect in that she just gets even more aggressive and hurtful. That's when she said she was taking the kids away.
Will review my actions and revise.
I'm not saying LRT is required. Only you can decide if you tried it long enough to really know that it failed - and if it did, then there's no reason to keep it up. But what I do believe is that distancing yourself and not pursuing (in whichever way you tried it) is only one part of the puzzle. You can't just fall off the earth for 3 months, come back and expect that W wants to R. The real key to saving the marriage is actual personal growth and change. The LRT is just a tool to help give you the space to implement those changes.
S is at school during the day. He needs a routine due to his condition. So, he knows what time to have a bath, what time to go to bed etc. If he doesn't have that routine, he'll go into meltdown and start headbutting walls etc. It's very difficult.
Yes, I am way to emotional just now. Like a sword, she holds the 'taking the kids away' over my head and that I fear. I know she is planning on going away in August to see her brother. Maybe that's when I need to go 'meh' and let her go so she sees how difficult this is going to be on her own.
I am fitter than I've been for a long time and I am spending every spare minute I can with the kids. I've never been a control freak etc. and have always let her do whatever she wanted (although she said that at one point). She now has control of finance, so I don't know what else I can do.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
People on here have said on more than one occasion that GAL doesn't always require you to be out of the house. You can take up hobbies or read books or learn to play the guitar right there at home.
But you should also start planning in nights out as well. It's only fair that you get let loose now and again.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
This is the paradox. So, when I started doing LRT, I spent more time out of the living room, playing with the kids, reading books etc. and that just made W even more annoyed. W made pointed remarks about how I was now spending more time with the kids, why was I doing weights etc. and why didn't I do that before (I did, but I spend even more time with them as I don't know when you're going away).
I now dress the kids after bathtime (W used to like doing that, but hasn't done so since BD), so imagine my amazement when W spews at me for spending too much time on bathtime! I put the laptop on whilst they are getting dry and let them watch kids shows on youtube so we can have quality time together.
I just can't win. When I went to the hotel in week 4 (that now seems like a distant memory), I got spewed at because she didn't know what I'd been doing and just last week, she spewed because I spent a day at the library, but she didn't want me to be at home!
That's my problem. If I'm needy, I'm wrong. If I do LRT/GAL, I'm wrong.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
That's my problem. If I'm needy, I'm wrong. If I do LRT/GAL, I'm wrong.
Forget about the W for a minute. What do you want to do? She'll have issues no matter what so instead of walking around on eggshells all the time do what you think is best for you.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
