Eirinn, It looks like you have been doing the in-house separation thing for some time. What systems do you use to create a separation? Do you have kids? If so, how do you handle that?
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
She is very upset over the lengths that I went to in order to expose her conduct (I got pretty aggressive). She is angry that I involved members of her immediate family in an attempt to get through to her. She was aghast that I shared the details of her betrayal with these people. She calls all of this "controlling" and refuses to be controlled.
At what point did you expose her? Had you exposed before your first post or since you've been on the board?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She is very upset over the lengths that I went to in order to expose her conduct (I got pretty aggressive). She is angry that I involved members of her immediate family in an attempt to get through to her. She was aghast that I shared the details of her betrayal with these people. She calls all of this "controlling" and refuses to be controlled.
At what point did you expose her? Had you exposed before your first post or since you've been on the board?
It was a couple of days after I joined. I was in the midst of an emotional crisis. I was still pursuing like crazy and thought I needed allies. In my world, her family has become mine. I reached out to those closest to me for support and to ask "please speak to her. Make her see!". I think it may have lifted the fog. In the aftermath of that she is crushed by her perception that these people now think less of her.
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
Quote: I think it may have lifted the fog. In the aftermath of that she is crushed by her perception that these people now think less of her.
It probably did assist in lifting some fog. Now, to see if it worked in getting her to stop contacting these guys online. (Which she did not agree, right?) It is highly addictive. She gets a rush from it, just like a drug. If she decides she will stop the online activity, she will be hit with the withdrawals, and if she is not aware of what to expect, she will make excuses to herself and return to what lures her.
The other part of this newer situation is her feelings of embarrassment and shame that her family has been alerted to her activities. It would be good if she could deal with this the way she should, although, in many cases the WW involved in online sexual conduct, turns her embarrassment and shame into rage directed at the "informer". Instead of owning her bad behavior, she shifts the blame onto you. "This is all your fault. This is my family and you had no right! I hope you're happy now, b/c you have ruined the relationship with my own family. Thanks to you, things will never be the same again".
Many WW's try to shift the blame onto the H for everything wrong in their lives, and even blame him for her A. This may very well be the approach she'll use with her family, trying to save face as much as she can. In making you the bad guy in the eyes of her family, it takes the heat off her. So, you may want to brace yourself for this likely possibility.
I think it was you who said something about going nuts and couldn't help yourself from saying too much, when you should have backed away and STFU. Here's the thing, you must learn how, b/c to say you can't help it........doesn't work. After the exposure, you then sounded regretful and said you were "controlling", trying to get her to stop. It is up to you to accept the advice given, or cast it aside. That's fine. But don't try to control her when you use the excuse of "couldn't help it" for yourself. There is only one person in this world you can control, and until you achieve control over yourself........why do you think you can control someone else? No offense intended, just want you to view this from a different angle, okay?
That is not to say you need to look the other way or excuse her online A's. I am not saying I agree or disagree with what you did, in seeking help. I simply want to prepare you for what may be coming, and also hope you will be emotionally receptive to a different method of dealing with these problems.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Quote: I think it may have lifted the fog. In the aftermath of that she is crushed by her perception that these people now think less of her.
It probably did assist in lifting some fog. Now, to see if it worked in getting her to stop contacting these guys online. (Which she did not agree, right?) It is highly addictive. She gets a rush from it, just like a drug. If she decides she will stop the online activity, she will be hit with the withdrawals, and if she is not aware of what to expect, she will make excuses to herself and return to what lures her.
The other part of this newer situation is her feelings of embarrassment and shame that her family has been alerted to her activities. It would be good if she could deal with this the way she should, although, in many cases the WW involved in online sexual conduct, turns her embarrassment and shame into rage directed at the "informer". Instead of owning her bad behavior, she shifts the blame onto you. "This is all your fault. This is my family and you had no right! I hope you're happy now, b/c you have ruined the relationship with my own family. Thanks to you, things will never be the same again".
Many WW's try to shift the blame onto the H for everything wrong in their lives, and even blame him for her A. This may very well be the approach she'll use with her family, trying to save face as much as she can. In making you the bad guy in the eyes of her family, it takes the heat off her. So, you may want to brace yourself for this likely possibility.
I think it was you who said something about going nuts and couldn't help yourself from saying too much, when you should have backed away and STFU. Here's the thing, you must learn how, b/c to say you can't help it........doesn't work. After the exposure, you then sounded regretful and said you were "controlling", trying to get her to stop. It is up to you to accept the advice given, or cast it aside. That's fine. But don't try to control her when you use the excuse of "couldn't help it" for yourself. There is only one person in this world you can control, and until you achieve control over yourself........why do you think you can control someone else? No offense intended, just want you to view this from a different angle, okay?
That is not to say you need to look the other way or excuse her online A's. I am not saying I agree or disagree with what you did, in seeking help. I simply want to prepare you for what may be coming, and also hope you will be emotionally receptive to a different method of dealing with these problems.
No you are 100% right. When I say couldn't help it, I am not taking responsibility for my actions. Very true. I WANT to accept the advice. It's the only thing that has worked so far. I will do better.
I have read more on exposure today and I am now starting to understand that it may have been my single greatest mistake. I have likened it to dropping a nuclear weapon to stop a fistfight. There are now so many variables in play. All the people I have told have the power to tell people and create a cascade of fallout that I never intended.
Also, W told me today that she is sorry for the Online EA, but then went into a lot of the "why" which is based on what our marriage was for years before she made the choice to become a WW.
She is listing a lot of the things that I am targeting with my 180. I know what they are. That is the saddest part. I know what about me drove her away. We've fought over the same things for 15 years. I just never had the skills to change. I kept doing more of the same. I know she owns the EAs. I am furious over it. But, it's a hard sell to beckon her back to a loveless broken marriage that had been on life support for years. The only way this works is if she sees wholesale change in me.
The next thing you'll say is "if it's so broken, why try to fix it?" Well, I love her. She is the woman I love. When it is good between us, it's amazing, electric. I just need to increase the number of those days. I had let them fade into memory. Well....no more.
As for the exposure she is doing as you say. Focusing on me as having betrayed her by telling people.
Regarding the EAs. She continues the conversations. Her justification: She is now separated from her husband, estranged from her sister, and her parents are ashamed of her. Who is she to talk to? She cannot talk to me. She is clinging to the EAs for the "someone to talk to" outlet they provide. I am approaching this as a WW who refuses to end the affair and following the DB rules.
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
I somehow missed your questions to me earlier. I'm so sorry. So, let me address them now.
"Eirinn, It looks like you have been doing the in-house separation thing for some time. What systems do you use to create a separation? Do you have kids? If so, how do you handle that?"
At the very core, I lie my head off and have a PMA even if it kills me. I've been in a pretty dark place the last few weeks, and yet as far as my H has known, I have had a great PMA. He even mentioned a few days ago how less anxious I am this June compared to other years. I'm not saying it's easy....it's not, but DBing really seems to work. I picture my H as a roommate, which kills me because he was my best friend. I'm light and casual with him, read Sandi's rules regularly, and I have the validation cheat sheet on my phone so I can pull it up when I need to.
At night, after the kids have gone to bed, I generally went up to bed too if I wasn't going out. In my room I would come on here, read a book, or listen to some music. As time went on and I was a little more detached, I would stay downstairs and watch some tv as he was headed to bed.
My S was actually a great way to detach. I would say hi to my H when he came home, ask how his day was, validate, and then go to play with my S. For a few weeks after I started DBing, my H would pace in the next room or text on his phone. Eventually though, he would start peeking in the room and finding out what we were doing. I would invite him to come in and play, but had no expectation that he would.
The hardest thing with the kids is helping them to understand, especially your 10 year old, why your W is distant. Is she with them too or just you? With my sitch, my H is distant with us both and has a lot less patience with our S. It's very hard for me to not step in when he loses it over something small, but as it is nothing abusive emotionally or physically, I have to stay out of it to give my H some space.
The best thing about the kids is the countless opportunities for GAL activities.
It is very, very hard to have your W still in the house but the other good part about having an inhouse separation is the ability for you to take the time to find out who the best Last is and become him. It really is a gift in some ways. Take the time to find out who Last is and what can make him a better person. Get introspective and open minded. Like Michelle says, we need to let go of preconceived notions and look at things in a new way. Your W is giving you the time to do this, while she is screwed up.
Detach, GAL, and 180. Oh and post on here lots. That's my problem area. I am always ready and willing to answer any questions you might have.
Hopefully my ramblings help somewhat,
hugs
E
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
