Hi Toots. I agree with you on the sleeping thing A this stage I'm letting go of it all. I have set my boundriy re our friendship and that's that. With you and H I think that your H is able to miss you and your life together With EXW and I she is able to see my changes and she accepts them but I've been their for her emtionally whenever she needed me EXW has lost a lot but at the moment she is accepting of it.
EXW has been talking to D14 yesterday and telling her she is going through menopause and suffering a lot of the symptoms
D14 asked EXW was she happy and EXW answered that she was more unhappy now than before. D14 asked why EXW didn't change things EXW said the boys didn't like her , D14 didn't see EXW as her mum and D11 was only nice to EXW because she felt she had to be. D14 told EXW that all the children hated where she worked and who she was friends with. EXW said she would change things and she and D1; did up EXWs C.V.
Hi Pink. You are right , I need to sort this out but I am worried that EXW is not in the right place in her mind at the moment so what do I do. Tonight as I was driving home EXW called and asked why I was taking S20 . S16 /and D11 to the pictures as D11 was going to EXWs flat. EXW said I was been sneaky as D11 didn't know and might have wanted to go. I didn't answer and just said goodbye.
The reason I didn't tell D11 was so she would not feel left out and change her mi d about going to stay with EXW for the night ! !!!!!
Pink. I think I will stay on the path I am on and just accept what is. I'm very lucky to have my kids around me. My Ds are a joy and my princesses My S's are fantastic and as a unit we have a very loving and caring home. I miss EXW very much and I believe she is. very lost I can forgive but not forget and if reconciliation was ever on the table it would be too big a hurdle for me
Thank you both so much for the support you give me It's really needed right now
RD, your sich seems to get more complicated every day. I do feel like you've detached a little, though, and I think that's probably best for your mental health. Four kids and a house and a job is a lot on your plate.
Every women who is lucky enough to live that long eventually goes through menopause. And some have worse symptoms than others. But, RD, your W seems to use it as an excuse for everything. I don't want sex, I want an OM, I'm a bad mother, my life is terrible.
I have a friend whose W (they are still "happily" married) uses having given birth as an excuse for not wanting sex more often. Their children are 6 and 8. Ummmm....no...that's not it.
All I'm saying is, your W doesn't seem to be willing, at this point, to take a look and see what role she played in all this. And that's a shame because you've been there waiting all along. And now you are growing weary of it. Just know that you've kept it up a lot longer than most of us would have, and we all wish you some peace here, RD.
Hi Sunny. Thanks for posting. I think your right re EXW not accepting her part in this. She will text and call to say it's allmher fault but she will always say she doesn't know why she done what she has. When all this first started , I scoured the Internet for a reason as EXW was always Very loving and caring and she wanted us to work this out. It was me who refused to work on the M after EXW didn't want to be intimate anymore.
I'm my search the perimenopause seemed to fit my wife to a tee. I mentioned this to her and she went mad and would not entertains he idea I'm not excusing her in any way or trying to blame it all on one thing as I have seen my 50% in all this , it's just the change from loving caring mum and W into moody , depressed and uncaring person was like a light switch.
I can only control me and that's what I intend to do
I have looked at your post and will be posting soon
Hi Vanillia. Just saw your post I agree about L/C but her argument is she had dealt with hundreds of affairs and cheating spoouces and she is convinced EXW is not one of them. L/C wants me to let go of what EXW is doing as she believes EXW re there being no R but just a friend with no romantic or sexual ties
RD, I've said this before but I think LC is too hung up on the R between W and OM. At this point, who cares what they are doing or not as they sleep in the same bed? She has chosen him over your M and your family. And you are right to focus on yourself and your kids. It's all you can do.
Thanks for posting Sunny. To be honest it's me that's hung up on R with OM.
L/C is all about making me the best I can be and clearing my head of thought. She wants me to live for today and it's me that keeps pushing the OM thing as my insecurities get the better of me.
I know I'm in an akward sitch as EXW left the family home and comes back most days to see kids. I do avoid her but it's still awkward EXW is in a bad / sad place of her own making and it's tough to see. I know she has no money and appears to have no emotional support
I fully appreciate EXW choose this path and it's her journey but she is still the mother of my kids and I still love her. It's a week now since a form of N/C and EXW seems to be turning to Ds for some emotional support now
Thanks for posting , it means a lot. Take care. Rd
Hi lovely RD, I think you may want to try and put OM aside as the central issue here. I don't think your sitch is primarily about infidelity, although it may play a part as a symptom.
There are two key factors here for me. One is that your W isn't asking 'what would it take to fix this?' Two is that she is currently sharing a bed with another man. Now, I suspect that unless this changes, you are going to want to keep moving forward and living your life 'as if.'
If you stick with the above - does it really matter if your W and OM never kissed, just kissed, ML, or didn't? Is it a dealbreaker for you if this is a PA? It sounds like a probable EA. And if it isn't even that and your W is truly just sharing a bed with her 'friend' and is surprised this is impacting on her M - Well, that's dysfunctional enough for you to give a R with her a wide berth just now anyway!
I'm not saying give up at all. I think your sitch is by no means hopeless, and who knows how things will turn out for any of us. But I do think you are right to set boundaries, protect and move forward as if just now.
Without looking back - on the finance front, did you and W agree financial arrangements on her departure that will hold in the slightly longer term? Was this something you discussed with your L when you met?
I imagine it is wet over there just like here, but I hope you're having a reasonable weekend with those lovely kiddos anyway. Take care RD xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Toots. Thanks for posting. Finances first , when EXW left she was earning 180'euro per week and she took the children's allowance. This gives her about 280 euro a week.
We have e never discussed money since she left and as I have the kids and mortgage my income has remained mine. In fact since wife left I have reduced my take home pay by 1500 euro a month !!!!!!
All our sitchs are unique and I think mine is up there
1 EXW left the kids in my care. 2 . EXW took nothing but her clothes and car 3. EXW is denying OM to all even 8 months later 4. EXW seems very sad and has been crying for the 8 months since she left and teeling kids she wants to come home 5. EXW has reached out to my L/C knowing L/C would tell me 6 EXWs life is spiralling down and she seems to just accept it 7. EXW appears to have no Emtional support other than mine 8. EXW seems under extreme stress but does nothing to help herself 9. EXW tells me OM sleeps in her bed but it means nothing 10. EXW tells her sister that she still loves me and I'm her best friend but she's trying to find herself !!!
At this stage Toots ,I don't know if PA is a deal breaker or not. In my opinion EXW does not want to come back to me anyway so it proberbly a moot point As time goes on I presume life will settle and things will become easier. I'm down at the moment but hope to find a bit of mental peace soon.
I am sitting on sofa with D14 , with D11 and S16 across from us We have just had KFC and we are watching Taken 2. I just collected D14 from her dance crew completion and all is good in the world
Exw was here today and we spoke for about 1 min in total She took D11 for a bike ride and then out for a spin D11 was a bit sad today but is ok now and she's happy again , playing on her phone while watching film
Nice day here today Toots Plenty of good drying weather !!!!
It's quite a recipe for stress what you have now. By one hand you are playing NC w/W and by other she is now looking for emotional support with her kids.
And, in my opinion it is not fine. D11 and D14 are just too young to be listening and dealing with W's issues. It can leave scars that won't be repaired very easy.
This whole thing with this jerk other man is a bunch of bull. As Sunny, V and Toots said, W gives a bunch of explanations about the monster, but she is not saying...My family is very important and I am about to loose it all if I don't get things straight.
I really wish that we did not need to tell you all this. That W would get real, clear her mind and make some sense, but this is not happening and she is hurting you and her family.
Please RD, try to make sure W is not filling the two little ones with too much information about her life, about OM. Even the whole menopause stuff is not something to be talking to any kid in this age.
I know it is hard to control all what comes out of her mouth, but if she is crossing the line on this, I would give a first notice that she needs to stop and if did not stop then I would get some lawyer involved in have her with control visitation.
This whole thing is driving you insane and is probably leaving the kids with a lot of insecurity, wounds, sadness.
I am dealing with almost same thing, and as hard as it is, I need to protect the kids against my crazy H.
Things may change, maybe one of these days she will snap back and will be someone more caring and not so crazy. But for now, what is most important is to maintain some sane environment.
I really feel for her, it should be very hard to loose yourself to this point. But you can't do much for her anymore, you tried a lot to help her, but she insists she does not need.
