Really Random Ramblings

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Bea, Wonka and Mighty.

I get what you are all saying....I really do. I'm just in a very dark and lonely place right now.

You're right Wonka. It isn't all XW's fault. It just seems like it snowballed from there.

Lost my marriage and best friend.
Lost my career.
Lost my house and car.
Lost two dogs and a cat.
Lost 2 colleagues to suicide.
Lost my X FIL.
Lost my mom.
Lost every relationship I had with XW's family.
Lost my brother to suicide 1 year before XW's MLC.
Lost my rats.
My only other brother is addicted to drugs and I haven't seen or heard from him since 4/2014.....nobody has.

Found out today that my dad was hospitalized and isn't doing too well.

When my rat died, she was resting on my chest. She went to scratch her side and then her other side. Then she cocked her head to look at me, opened her mouth and that was it. Just like that. Thirty minutes before she was drinking water, eating a grape and licking yogurt off of my finger.

Death is kind of funny. Funny in how it just occurs and just freezes the person/thing dying in time. My brother died with a smile on his face.

I don't have any friends or activities outside of work.

I'm about to reach a point...

I'm getting where I just don't give a sh!t about anything anymore.

I have no family left and I have no friends.

Therapists? I've been to three. Haven't found one that I like yet. My rats were the best therapy.

I work, sleep and eat. I don't even have my rats anymore. I rarely do anything outside of my apartment. I'd like to do some things, but can't really find anything that interests me. Nothing does. I'm just blah.

When my rattie died, it was more rough than I thought it would be. It hurt. A lot.

On the news, I saw that somebody abandoned hundreds of domesticated rats in a park here in Arizona. Rat rescues are stepping in and capturing them and trying to find homes for them. I want to help so bad, but am afraid of getting attached again. I feel guilty about that too because I'm putting my feelings first instead of helping....

I'm so afraid of getting attached to anything because I fear it'll just be taken away...It is sad, but true. My whole life has been having things taken away. In the last five years, it has multiplied.

I don't know where to go from here. Nothing interests me anymore. I have no motivation or desire for anything...